......also some Journalings about my psychic experiences.
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my life after Near Death Experiences: 05/01/2004 - 05/31/2004
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Monday, May 31, 2004

from the new york times....monday the 31st!

NYTimes.com > Opinion

What Studs Terkel's 'Working' Says About Worker Malaise Today

Published: May 31, 2004

abe Secoli, a supermarket checker for nearly 30 years, is proud of her dexterity in moving items along the conveyor belt. If asked, she will do a little dance, showing how she hits the keys on the cash register with one hand, pushes the food along with the other and intermittently whacks the conveyor-belt button with her hip. She knows what everything costs the price list on the register is, she says, only "for the part-time girls." Almost everything amuses her, especially the rich ladies who drop in to shoplift meat. "I'm a couple of days away," she says, "I'm very lonesome for this place."

Ms. Secoli's is one of the dozens of throaty, acerbic voices in "Working," Studs Terkel's oral history of working life, which was published 30 years ago this spring. When it appeared, "Working" was a revelation, a window on the thoughts of Americans who were rarely heard from: hospital aides, skycaps, gravediggers. Many of the interviews follow a similar, surprising trajectory, beginning with mundane workplace details but quickly moving on to existential thoughts. Even for the lowliest laborers, Mr. Terkel found, work was a search, sometimes successful, sometimes not, "for daily meaning as well as daily bread."

The oral histories in "Working" are wistful dispatches from a distant era. The early 1970's were the waning days of the old economy, when modern management practices and computers were just beginning to transform the American workplace. In the last 30 years, productivity has soared, but job satisfaction has plummeted. It is hard to read "Working" without thinking about what has gone wrong in the workplace.

Mr. Terkel's ragtag collection of little-guy monologues was a runaway best seller. Part of its appeal was the unusual, occasionally illicit glimpses it offered into the ways of the world. "If you work nights and it's real quiet, I don't think there's an operator who hasn't listened in on calls," a switchboard operator says. "The night goes faster." A gas-meter reader tells of the codes meter men put on customer cards when there was an attractive woman in the house.

Mr. Terkel's interlocutors also offer deeper insights. A parking lot attendant holds forth on why working people are better tippers than Cadillac drivers. A prostitute reflects that she was "the kind of hustler who received money for favors granted," not the kind who "signs a lifetime contract for her trick," or who "carefully reads women's magazines and learns what it is proper to give for each date, depending on how much . . . [he] spends on her."

It is striking how many of Mr. Terkel's subjects have found the meaning he says they are looking for. "Obviously I don't make much money," a bookbinder says, but she still loves repairing old books because "a book is a life." A gravedigger recalls how impressed a visiting sewer digger was with his neat lines and square edges. "A human body is goin' into this grave," he says proudly. "That's why you need skill when you're gonna dig a grave."

There are disgruntled workers in "Working," who feel caged in by their jobs, but many others exult in their ability to demonstrate their competence, to show off their personality and to perform. "When I put the plate down, you don't hear a sound," a waitress says. "If I drop a fork, there is a certain way I pick it up. I know they can see how delicately I do it. I'm on stage."

The 1970's were a slower age, and much of the workers' pleasure in their jobs is related to the less-demanding time clock. A hospital billing agent can take time off from dunning patients to look in on a man whose leg was amputated, who has no one to care for him. "If he's going to live in a third-floor flat and he doesn't have anybody home, this bothers me," she says. A stewardess says she is supposed to spend a half-hour on a Boston to Los Angeles flight socializing with passengers.

Three decades later, we are caught up in what a recent book dubbed "The New Ruthless Economy." High tech and new management styles put workers on what the author Simon Head calls "digital assembly lines" with little room for creativity or independent thought. As much as 4 percent of the work force is now employed in call centers, reading canned scripts and being supervised with methods known as "management by stress." Doctors defer to managed-care administrators and practice speed medicine: in 1997, they spent an average of eight minutes talking to a patient, less than half the time they spent a decade earlier.

It is much the same in other fields. There have been substantial productivity gains. But those gains have not found their way to paychecks. In a recent two-and-a-half-year period, corporate profits surged 87 percent, while wages rose just 4.5 percent. Not surprisingly, a study last fall by the Conference Board found that less than 49 percent of workers were satisfied with their jobs, down from 59 percent in 1995.

When "Working" was written, these trends were just visible on the horizon. A neighborhood druggist laments "the corner drugstore, that's kinda fadin' now," because little shops like his can't compete. "Most of us, like the assembly line worker, have jobs that are too small for our spirit," an editor says. "Jobs are not big enough for people."

When America begins to pay attention to its unhappy work force and eventually, it must "Working" will still provide important insights, with its path-breaking exploration of what Mr. Terkel described as "the extraordinary dreams of ordinary people."



this article is for me worth 500 books on "economics and politics"!

Friday, May 28, 2004

Newspaper article never cease to amaze me!

there was an article this morning about the doctors group suing the Atkins diet people over how one follower of theirs ruined his colestrol level and had a heart problem as he ate all that meat!

the doctors group is a group of people who have VEGANISM as the way to eat...No meat, eggs, diary products.

looks like a real story eh?!

the vegan people really dislike the Atkins way of eating, such emphasis upon meat, so if the group's people look HARD enough, they will find someone who was hurt by the Atkins way of eating!

there was an old word that I cannot remember, from the catholic days of philosophy....A word that means..."State your belief, then go find the reality that then backs it up"!!

basically, the Vegans have it in for Atkins! Bitter foes.
and YOU are the "peasant farmer" caught in the middle of the battle, raging on your fields!
what you eat.
funny...Being a "Vegan" dictates what you eat, what you are!

why not have a "veganistic" salad medley, on a plate next to a hamburger?! Have a tofu sidedish
with steak! Have a stir-fry vege side dish, that sits right next to the pork chop, on the same plate?!

get beeeyond "yes or no". Go beeeeyond "duality"
"a little of both"

and *that* might go, that way of thinkings...For ALL the dualities of life!


Thursday, May 27, 2004

ah Morrowind.
takes lots of my time, this game, getting it to run: I have now about 260 mods, to play in the game, adding to the game.

Yes a first person view, you are there. Like of daggerfall before it, by Bethsoft, a game where the Map of the playable area was supposed to be, in real time, about the size of England!!

someone, in fact, tried to walk across the playing area from one side to another...Took him days of computertime!
also all in first person. An old DOS game this one, though it can still be bought.

the mods add to morrowind, things like....

---the ability to write on surfaces, like walls or floors.
--to be able to actually write into your journal, a "blog" of a sorts while you play!
---adds 200 people to the game that you can have as companions, homo too!
---quests...Dungeon caves....Monsters galore....
all added by mods.

the game is becoming a bit like the "Sims" in that the Intelligence of the game is increasing; it begins to minic "real life"!!

players have begun to DREAM about Morrowind!

no doubt many of the players, when they die and go to heaven, will walk out of the "recovery room", where they awake after just coming into heaven; onto a dock with a Angelic Guard on it, who tells him to check in at the Census office at the end of the dock!
Sedya Neen will be awaiting!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

edited...From http://www.rickross.com/reference/waco/waco324.html

[edited by me!]

Remembering Waco

"It's an experience you don't want to ever experience again," he said. "What could have been an easy resolution turned out be a tragedy."

What happened that day brought a firestorm of criticism.

"It was the biggest disaster in law enforcement history," said Dave Hardy of Tucson, Ariz., a lawyer involved in an unsuccessful wrongful death suit against the government over Waco.

"Foul-up is far too mild. In a situation where you have 10 possible decisions, they consistently picked the worst. It's just, 'My God, what were they thinking?'"

Critics took the ATF to task for the way it handled the initial raid and questioned investigation. They blasted the FBI for its handling of the ensuing siege.

Civil lawsuits, congressional probes and a federal prosecutor's report that dismissed many allegations stemming from the Waco raid did little to quietthe clamoring for justice.

Michael White, president of the American Civil Liberties Union of San Antonio, said a cloud remains over the agents involved.

"I don't know how much responsibility they, the agents, had, but the way it was carried out was a fiasco," White said of Waco. "It didn't have to go that way."

On the morning of the raid, agents went to the Mount Carmel compound to arrest Koresh and serve a search warrant alleging that Koresh and his followers were stockpiling illegal automatic weapons and explosives.

Versions from critics and the government differ on the encounter, disagreeing even on who fired first.

some say bullets from the Davidians struck the helicopter he was in, forcing it to make an emergency landing.

Critics charged that ATF agents shot from the choppers at the Davidians first, and that the FBI knocked down the walls with tanks in the subsequent siege to hide evidence proving that theory.

numerous illegal firearms and rounds of ammunition found show the probe was on target.

"We didn't do anything wrong," "The media just made it look like we were the bad guys, when in fact we were doing what warranted the execution of that warrant."

"He wanted to step aside and take a look to see if it could have been handled differently," "To be honest with you, I don't think it could have. He did the job that he was supposed to do, and he did a good job."


echoes of Waco, branch Dravarians, and the FBI's "storming" the compound.

I, myself, sports fans, find "eerie" correspondences here, between April 1992 Waco/Koresh....and 2004 Iraq/Saddam!!!

more from the site......
People across the country watched live television in horror when the compound burned April 19, 1993. "Part of it is just people wanting to have a connection with things that are famous or infamous," said Philip Zimbardo, a Stanford University psychology professor and cult expert. "That may be an urge to better understand it."

Ms. Roden has a different theory about why people are still captivated by the site. She believes they're drawn to learn what she calls the truth about the standoff: that government leaders were responsible for the fire that killed about 80 Branch Davidians.

Government officials have repeatedly denied the accusation, saying the fire, which marked the end of the 51-day standoff, was set from within the compound.

Interesting reading all of this, and the McVeigh bombing, in the 1999 Apr 19th anniversary, of Waco. There are people who think that McVeigh was actually a member of the Alqueada, and this bombing *was* the act of the al-queda!

anyhoo....I am intrigued about all of this as I see a strange correspondence here. The quotes, above, say it all!! FBI agents Go In....Kill kill kill in fires, graphic images result....Accusing and denials...

and there is more to this!!

Bush spends Easter holiday at his Texas ranch
March 29, 2002 Posted: 1:13 PM EST (1813 GMT)

CRAWFORD, Texas (AP) -- The grass is green, the bluebonnets are making their seasonal appearance and President Bush and his wife, Laura, are settled in for the Easter weekend at the ranch they call home.
----from the news.
Crawford, Texas?? Why it is about 10 miles west of
the branch Dravidian camp and that ranch might be all of 20 miles apart, if that!!

I ponder, if there ARE "strange correlations".....Whether the timothy McVeigh
Oklahoma bombing....Is a kind of "prophecy" about the "retaliation" of the Muslins/al-queada, back onto us all, several more years down the time road! An Atomic bomb smuggled into Washington or New York, anyone??
or *worse* ....A rain of 10,000 a-bombs from Russia or ????, in WW III!!

history repeats.
cycles are....
wise people Listen and observe!


Monday, May 24, 2004


well.....I sense a kind of vague depression in the air, where-ever I go, these days.
The Photos of prisoners are staring at me from every mag, it seems, in Barnes and Nobles!
NO way to get away from constant exposure of them! No one else can either!

And no way to leave that Country of Iraq, either, I guess! And if we all *did*, then perhaps the Bloodbath will begin, the "thinning of the herd", will have to be accepted by one and all...

No wonder everytime that I turn on the radio in the Morning, all I hear is some talk show with that maniac laughing, laughing so so so much and for so long and so alike every day and on all the stations that maybe all of that noise will drown out the sounds of bomb explosions, all over the world!

---in the Tone of "bite the bullet"....I see how all of my grade school classmates taunted and teased me without remorse, for most of my 1-12 years of school,
and...Often in college too: I can well see that *most* of us "have our fangs retracted"
where we do not ordinarily show them to one another, but the dim moral of my posting, is....That most of us are quite capable of terrible tortures to another human being!
and do so, in some portions of our lives!

"they are us"....The guards, and if you do not think so, be sure that you have No Buttons showing, that someone can press!
then...Too...We all are also the prisoners!
take turns, I guess, as I read how 60% to 80% of children who are battered, end up battering their own children!! *that* was one of the most depressing articles that I have ever ever read, sports fans!! One would "think" that a battered child, grown up, would be the very *last* to batter her/his own child! But no....He or she is the first!

gotta git even, I guess, and the wheel spins and spins ever onwards, passing this stuff on to the next generation.

Friday, May 21, 2004



the index, from the photo page at the top, indicates a photojournal of a whole train tip!
Amtrak Sunset Limited Slide Show
Slide show of scenery and accommodations along the Amtrak Sunset Limited train route.

Slide show of my family's trip on the Sunset Limited in the Fall of 1996 between Los Angeles, California and Deerfield Beach, Florida. Highlights include a detour through Hattiesburg, Mississippi and some photos from one of the last Sunset Limited trains to travel south of Sanford, Florida.

there are many many more photojournies, on the

take a virtual vacation now!!


Tuesday, May 18, 2004

A lady asked me about "how terrible the news of the world is....and about soul and spirit: i mailed to her two of my older writings, so here are the two writings, comparing our earthly life to a "high school"...yes there is life after high school!

article one......
Monday, April 01, 2002
SO THIS IS HOW IT IS...a story!

On easter sunday, on my long
alone walk, I wearied a bit over the State of the
world: the capital of Christianity in
I made up a small story.
here it is....

Once upon a recent time...
The 8th grade school teacher
sat alone in her classroom, one day, after all of the
students had left for the day.
Grading papers and all of that,
maybe it was now 4 PM and near time to leave. There
were sudent
papers still strewn upon the
desks and scrawlings of chaulk on the blackboards...
"when will they ever learn" she
muses. Seems that the same thing go on year after
year: she has taught there for
nearly 20 years now and NUTTUN
changes! the students still have their teen-age snits,
they fight and yell and think
only of themselves: the
classroom is about trashed by the schoolyear's end,
only the repair/maintanence crews can
clean up the room during the
summer for the next years class.
"aha", she says!
"that's it"!
She realizes that nothing ever
changes because a new batch of kids come into her
class from 7th grade below her,
every year. some learn, some do
not. Then they Go On to 9th grade, a whole "level up",
another school, another
building somewheres else in the
city. she has actually never been there to see this
junior high school!
So. the kids are perpetually in
8th grade year after year after year, a standing wave
never changing. only the faces
change from year to year: the
problems and lifestyles of being "13 years old"...is a
given every year.

The teacher then thought about
her friend who nearly died in that accident last year:
had a near death expewrience to
show to her that heaven is a
reality. She also thought about the Sermon at her
church last week about how Jesus
talked about how He knew
Jeremiah before he was born and even
Concieved---lesson of the sermon was that we all
have had a PRIOR experience, as
souls, in the spirit world before we were born [let
alone past lives on earth, for
some people!]....
"7th grade" she exclaims!
"and 9th grade is heaven after
we die"
---now this teacher does not
get so upset as she reads her new York Times! the woes
of wars and the Gossup and
evils, of people, do not bother
her so much. she sees that new souls are constantly
coming into the earth and old
souls graduate, never to come
again....the problems and the lessons never change, in
this "8th grade" of earthly life!
History repeats, but with new
actors...people seem to never learn: but they DO, it
is just the same lessons but with
different students!
---perpetually 8th grade, this
earth is....decade after decade...100 years after 100

what matters is how YOU master
your own lessons!

---end of tale!


here is my second article....

kids draw

I live in a very small Upstate New York town. Very
The Grade school playground looks out onto the corn
fields...pine trees
flank one side of it.
I often walk out to this playground, after supper;
there, i can see the
open sky and smell
the fresh air.

Here it was September...school had been in session
only a week or so.
The tennis court had just been paved with nice fresh
tar only a week ago,
and none of the lines or
netting had been replaced yet. I walked over to
it...i could see how nice
and pure black it was.

But on this evening's walk, i could see some markings
upon the tar.
I could see, as i came near ...chaulk drawings on it.
I took a closer look..
Yes------some very creative second grade teacher had
just that afternoon,
taken her class
outdoors, on this nice day----and she marked off
six-foot squares, in
chaulk. Then she gave
each kid a handfull of colored chaulk....and then
assigned them all to the
fresh black pavement.
One square per kid; to draw a drawing and sign their

Now, here, i came across the 7 pm result, of this
Drawings.i could see---- maybe thirty colored
drawings. One per student.

MY!...what a difference between them! Some were drawn

with great care
and of great talent...some were done in haste...and
some drawings were only
of a cuss-word or two, and maybe some sharp angry
jagged lines. A social
might call these angry kids "dysfunctional"!

And----i recognized most of the last names. These
were the Children of
all the
townspeople...people that i grew up with.

As i stood admiring a couple of Very talented
drawings...done by some
of my relative's children....
---A Spiritual inspiration came to me!!

---As if these children were the SOULS of the
townspeople, and what was
drawn out, was an
expression of the Quality of these Souls! ---as if
the whole of their years
of living their lives,
were summerized, somehow, in these drawings!
I took this analogy further....

In second grade, one is learning how to draw...after

all, kids are
kids!----half-ripe fruit can only
HINT at the fullness of the taste, of its
ripeness-to-come, in time.
They WILL make mistakes!
Ya learn art..or life....by doing.
One earns how to Draw..by the very act of drawing.

Same as with life!
No one will "go to Hell'..for their sins or mistakes.

We are Artists....on
the lower levels of
spirit..Learning How To Draw. Someday..we all will
to becoming , I guess..what the Bible says..."to
become Co-creators, with
God...in his
heaven celestial, with Him"!!

But right now....we are just beginning.
We must be free to try anything!
Do anything!
It is "OK"!! It is ok to make mistakes and to "mess
up" the drawings! If
feedback-from-life, is
needed---life will, in due time, supply this------as
Soul reality
follows laws and rules--Spiritual laws and rules.
Many call these rules..."KARMA"!....or, "dharma.
Thus, if mistakes are made..life, itself, will give
to us some feedback.

So---we all ought to become as creative as
must be the very at the very heart of what constitutes

"one's Soul"!

So i salute all you Creative people out there..trying
New..Something Different---not
afraid of Censure by others or of failure. This
time...in the late
must be of a "Golden Age"...of Trying Something New"!
..to Enrich the collective Oversoul of Mankind,
through all this diversity
of Creations.

As i surf the net...i see many very creative posts
and sites...I am
utterly amazed!.
In my little room, on Main Street.....Interlaken..pop
---I have a window upon things that were not even
DARED to be thought
alone tried...in the 1950s!!!

the highest highs..the lowest lows...are of a mouse
click away!
But who but Spirit can say what is "good" art...or of
"bad" art!
"White and Black needs to be next to each
other"---even just to show these
sentences of PRINT!!

"We all need a Pole Star, to align our Compasses by:
if the compass is held
closely to our
Iron belt-buckle,......this compass will only point to


I have had a Dream, recently, of being taken..somehow
out of my earthly
body---to see and
experience a creative healing center/hospital, in the
lower heavens---where
some people go, after
death, to begin the healing process, and make up on
some of the
opportunities-missed, to grow-in-
Soul, while they were living, back on earth.


Monday, May 17, 2004

A post to elderscrolls.com -----

a Morrowind computer game forum, the "mod" section, where people post about their mods that they make and to play in the game of Morrowind.


hi all...

here I sat, an hour ago, with testool reporting 367 mods. There are even MORE in my data folder, but apparently Testool even has its limits as to how many it can hold in its memory! :p

Yes, why do i have so many mods? I will do tossing out aplenty with the Conflict detector and then merge some of them; i have many many small ones.

why do i do this anyway....I ask myself this. I guess it is because i want a Rich World, a place where there are lots of mysteries and lots of things to do and to see.
These 300+ mods do not even include most of the "biggies" where the "windows timer load bar" really goes to town where i copy 30megs of meshes into the texture folder, for, say, Moonspawn or Tusar! I might do these big mods one at a time, later...

In a way, even if i cannot play the game very well: lots of error messeges and a few ctds, i will have my Rich mysterious World!

almost, poeticly, as if i install nearly 300 mods onto my HD and never ever play my game because of more crashes/errors, it is as if that computer symbolizes my brain, a projectional reflection of my Soul...having all these mods "magically" increases my sense of Wonder and Amazement, in my daily life, as i have 300 very creative mods in my Soul, even if i never ever play them!!

I note that if i have a conflict between two mods, and i check the readmes for each, i feel out the TONE of the readme, even more than any size or Quality of the mod! If i see "negativity" or anger or, worse..."life-sarcasim" in the readme, then i know that it is in the mod too! and in my game. and in my Soul, if i were to use it!!

[that is one reason why I asked about the "joyful morrowind...Spring mod...of Max's...the readme sounded like the gamechanges *might* be nice! has anyone tried these mods of his??]

Yes, i admit that there is "magical thinkings" on my part: to have a kind of "magic correlation" between the stuff on my HD and in my inner life, to project out into the daily world as i walk about the city of Tallahassee! I like that. :grin:

Friday, May 14, 2004

I went back to that astral school, last night. Interesting: I spent some of my day Pondering the implications....

I have been there before, especially the last 10 to 15 months.
I "load" images of my "real" high school into my dream too, or at least what occurs is that a place there REMINDS me of some place in my Interlaken NY 1959 high school: after all, one can really see best an object that associates with something Known!
----but this here place is not of the earth! It is some type of school in the spirit worlds for afterlife souls.

I now see that it was in *this* school that a man came up to me to tell me..."It does not matter any more what you think or say"...He knowing full well that I would later in that day, after I awoke, would run into a very "radical" leftest political student and his mind was already made up to what ever I would say to him about anything: he called me a racist
because I did not see the people of the Ghetto *as* victims, and a "self determination" on their part, is not called for...We all must lift the total repression from their lives by collective, governmental actions!

a man in an orange robe with "afro" hair and short and stocky!

last night I was in the Library where I saw the books. There was a small book on the table and I picked it up. Seems it was a book like of a "pocket calendar", but it had a day by day listing, like of a astrologer ephremeris, but instead of "forecasts, astrologically, it had what looked like quotes of someone's sayings.

the title was something like...

"The book of 2005"
Sathya Sai Baba

the quotes were where there was one paragraph per day.
probably his own sayings. I opened the booklet at random and I saw the page for about the 20th of January 2005...Give or take a few days.

just a paragraph....Written in "non-attachment tones"...A few sentences apparently about what is supposed to occur on this day!
AND...Not for the earthplane, so much, as to what would happen up there around the school in *light* of the currant events here on earth, as I suppose that this booklet is made for the Staff and the teachers, who aid the incoming students from the earthplane.

*what* this "oneliner" said, will stay with me for a looooooong time, sports fans!
[no, it did not say that I will die!!!]
I hesitate to even guess if the events shown-to-be-happening-then, are literal or "symbolic".

I would say, to myself, and to anyone who reads this: do your dreams and your Finishing up, of your life's missions and hopes...And forgive and understand your friends and your enemies...


it may *not* be that any "asteroid" will blast a hole into the earth!
or that 50 volcanoes will erupt at Once: it infers a subtle

"paridem shift"

--where what is happening today, will be "last years fashions" next spring, and no one will want to Do them! Out with the old...[1960-2004]
and in with the New...[2005-????]
thus all the old hobbies could "wilt" and become "uninteresting"! Anything still unfinished will *remain* that way.....

Thursday, May 13, 2004

I went to my highschool last night in my dreams! Only thing was....I had seen my school before, in other dreams, the same school. This time, I noted that, in my several visits there over the last few months, that this school had absolutely nothing to do with
my childhood high school at all!
Tis, now I see, a school in heaven. *not* for kids or even teens. For residents of that level of heaven, probably.

lots of open windows to see out over the rollingly level pasture fields..
A library of many books.
halls and rooms full of very happy ADULT students.
a meeting hall just lined with all sorts of occult symbols!

I wandered around for hours.

Interesting how this school has this feeling of a "liveworld", like of when one visits an on-line rpg-game: of course, this school Objectively exists, in the spirit worlds.
Very difficult to remember much about what I see there, however!

But I know it is There! There for all who come. Me too, when I die!

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Interesting encounter at supper in Georgia Belle, last night!

The lady who came to sit at my table has had an unusual life. A very Intense person, she is....
She is what some people would call ..."Feeling oriented". I really got to know how this works, at supper, talking to her. She can tell us all about some wonderful life experience that she has had, then in five minutes she will run down someone that she knows with a red hot dagger of a tongue, with GREAT feeling, so strong a feeling that anyone who has the slightest bit of feeling will just accept that she is right.

how can both sides co-exist in the same person?

A front desk counselor has tried to get her to "let go of the past, to let go of some emotional judgment of someone who miss treated her 30 years ago, this counselor cannot understand why she hangs on to these judgments!

I know now why!!
the counselor is a "thinker" and thoughts do NOT change feelings!
and feelings are forever and do not change. "time" is a thinking thing and something that happened 30 years ago? Why that feeling experience is just as "now" as if it occurred ten minutes ago! No time. There is no time with feelings.

too...She has had numerous near death experiences! She has seen all of her relatives as she lay on the operating table and they told her that she had more time to live.

but why does she hold on to "negative attitudes"? Because they are real and will only change if there is a stronger feeling that will overwrite them! Thoughts will not do...Philosophy will *not* work!
counseling is useless. Besides these "negative' feelings are not negative to her, they are Rich Deep feelings of "feeling truth" and they will WILL go with her into heaven! I cannot drop mine, nor you cannot drop yours: this feeling lady Teaches me this!

Yes I have heard her tear apart something with a red hot needle of a tongue. "dis" and putdown something so intensely that one would not ever want to try the resturant that she so tears up!

yes feelings are forever....

reminds me of a true story that I read about, once.
----husband sits with wife. "honey we have one week for our vacation, so lets each of us make a list of the three CLOSEST relatives to visit, in that week".
next day they compare lists.

[they live in Atlanta, GA.]
he says..."There is Joe, he lives in central Georgia. There is bill, he lives in north Alabama. Susie, she lives in central Georgia too, 50 miles from Joe".

she says..."There is Billy, he lives in Dallas. Then there is Linda, she lives in Denver. Finally Larry, he lives in New York city".

Husband rants..."But I said the CLOSEST, honey!!
she replies..."eeeeexactly! They are my closest and dearest relatives"!
she is right, sports fans. Profound little story, this!
Know the feeling of her stand, and you then know "feelings" and why so many men cannot ever ever understand women or understand their own feelings!

and...Why with all the "negativeness' of this lady, who had several near death experiences of heaven, why she is heads and shoulders above the rest of us, in spiritual awareness and that she has a far far richer life of feelings than most of us. She might even, I think, be more accepting of the way the Troops tortured the Iraq prisoners too! *they* expressed DEEP feelings, they were honest feelings, feelings that most of us want to "pave over", deny...Repress; then we wonder why all the heart attacks and stress-diseases there are in us men as we get older! Any of us who ever Bullied kids at school, abused another...Put down other people...Are right with these troops, only the feelings are only half-expressed! Maybe some of us menfolk should pick a, say, restaurant that we do not like, and then tear it down in front of someone with the *most* venomous teardown possible, sparing not one feeling, get it all out!

---but then this lady will probably be far better "heaven material", when she arrives in heaven after she dies, then the rest of us...Even with intense negative feelings, as they might be very Honest feelings!

Monday, May 10, 2004

I wonder.....

Here I was having that dream, of the couple of days ago, a dream that I thought I would not have again! Such a short dream, just a lady, telling me in a voice that sounded "authoritarian" but yet kind and Knowing..."By this time next year, you, freestone, will be living in a place that is now *way* beyond your furtherest imaginations".

Then there was that lady conductor, on that dream train, that just as soon as I got off the train, just as soon as I stepped through the door, suddenly she said a sentence, a sentence that even in the dream I had a *distinct* feeling that the spoken sentence came first, then I built a dream around it!! That spoken sentence had a tone that was much more of a "serious" tone to it, than what was in the dream.
[November 29th, 2003]

"you have one year: get ready"

Maybe I Better pay attention!!

Sam, in his visit from heaven, he told me...[1999]
"ten years in heaven is about one year on earth. Heaven is much more amazing than even what you, freestone, have thought it to be"!

Time Passes.....

Sunday, May 09, 2004

A bit of a discouragement, there, posting to that "ana" Community, there on Livejournal!

they more or less told me to "get lost"!

Fools Step in where angels fear to tread, I guess! Here is a community where a bunch of people share their pain and their life, and I step in cold to offer a comment.
too too much pain and too much of a sense of community for me to enter.

be like I stepped into a inner city bar for the first time and everyone turns to state at me, an INTRUDER!

I apologize to this community, if anyone from there reads this, I guess, from what I read, this is an autistic trait, butting in!

but *these* days, such comments are not appreciated and probably I will cease
commenting to many places that I read as in THESE days, the spirit of the Age is that 7 to 8 am TALK SHOW on most radio stations where all there is, is unending laughter! A laughing that almost sounds like as if they laugh hard enough and long enough, maybe all the life's crud will go away! Cover it up, like paint, with laughter!

I mean....If ya grow up where you bully all the grade school kids around you, *or* were bullied unmercifully....*and*....If you now and then verbally abuse your wife and cut ahead of some little old lady in traffic...*and* racial put down some..[fill in the blank...]
other racial person....Why indeed you need all the laughter that you can get to drown out seeing YOU in the photo getting ready to torture that Iraqi prisoner!! Or maybe you were the prisoner! He Is Us, the abuser, the torturer, every one of us is Guilty, in some way!
so our "skins are thin" and no criticism is permitted!

I have different problems of my own.....As of last night, I had two more of THEM dreams!!

first one....I was sitting in a dream room, and I heard a deep woman's voice 'from the sky"!
she told me that...."This time next year, you, freestone, will be living in a place and doing things that are way *way* beyond anything that you can now imagine"! [quote"!]

second dream....I attended a session of a psychic, in the spirit-dreamlands! Yes there are psychics in the spirit worlds too. She gave to me a reading about my life. What was really the message was that sometime next year there will be a great disaster of some sort, with the earth: something very very major.

I keep getting the same message over and over again, apparently...Especially the first one....

so it matters not if the anas like my rant, out of their context. What matters is that I should not do that again! I should Prepare for that place that is way beyond anything that I can now imagine, instead!

Saturday, May 08, 2004

I note the "ana" weblogs, and even more, the more-plentiful journals on "ana"
in Livejournal.com.

"ana"...As in "anorexia". People who write about being anorexic and all for it.
then the "anti" anas post why the anas are "sick"!
"you neeeeed help".

then the anas themselves often cry out this, to themselves and to others.

and, yes, they, their friends,their relatives, their therapists, have Lots Of Answers as to "WHY"!

I have yet *another* "take" on this "ana" that I have not seen before written about.

here tis.....

---Oh starving oneself. Is it because you are trying to get free from Identification with your parents? Being "oneself"?!
is it that you are SATURATED with the ads, the all consuming ads that tell you to consume consume consume consume!

drown in other people's stuff, thrown onto you! gotta buy 100 pair of shoes even to look purrrrty! All your friends consume like Goats eating tin cans!

"enough" you yell, but no one hears you: they are too too busy with their latest cell phones, that their friends have turned them on to, so they gotta be cool and run out and max that credit card to get it, a phone that they do not even *like* but hey...tis cool, they tell you that, all of your friends! You fear that you need to get one too, even though you hate the color! You would have to lie to yourself if you bought it, but then many of your friends do just that, with cell phones and with their rest of their life-choices!

"when you begin to lie to yourself, then that is the first step to lying to others"...Peck, in the book....PEOPLE OF THE LIE!
so you Dance to 1000 tunes, none of which you have called for or even chose!
[just *try* to wear something that is different from what your group defines as "cool"!
See What Taunting and Bullying is all about. Become an outcast, good only for Detention hall!]
you Eat.
you consume stuff that you do not even like.
Bad enough that it is a phone you hate, but what happens if you are Led to "choose" a career, a city to live in, your "significant other"?!

turn on any radio, just listen to those car ads! If they were a guest in your house, why you would call "911" and have them evicted! But no, you are a pudding with the Sauce
of ads a-pouring over you!
"10,000 ads a day"....I read once, the average person is exposed to in one day!

to Fast. a good Diet, a good Laxitive!

fast from Consumption.
*that* is one message that I get from anorexia! gotta get rid of the Fat
that is not of "me"! The Fat that belongs to my culture, the food that I ate without tasting or even noticing, the Food that was Given to me by Others, who wanted to Fill me up with *their* reality!!

"to make my body and my soul to be mostly of THEIRS, *not* of mine"!
when much of my body is "theirs", then they can tell me what to do, how to live, as they own that part of me!!

"be aware of your thoughts and feelings; often they are not your own"!---anon.
They come from the people and the culture around you: if eaten unaware, you become them and you think and feel that they *are* yours!

gotta get rid of this "not-me-stuff"!!

be me.


Thursday, May 06, 2004

Discouraging to read about the "us torture of Iraqian prisoners."!!

Probably there are about 500 people in charge of Prisoners. If *you* were to buy a truck full of 500 apples, would you find a rotten one or ten?! Sounds simple does it not, but the way it is, people make it not so. What I see people doing is that if you were to find 10 rotten apples in that shipment, then *ALL* the apples are bad, and then even the truck company *and* the orchard is also equally to blame!

woooould you even like to know what might have driven one or three of the torturing guards to do this?! Would you even want to imagine, as that Indian says....."Do not judge a man until you walk in his moccasin shoes for a month"!

the breaking point.

everyone has a button or two that takes only a little bit to press to "on"! Maybe one of the guards has a bad relationship with his wife. Maybe he saw a kid cruelly killed, and this got to him. Maybe no sleep for three days, and one prisoner taunted him!

---I wonder what about the Alternative, the alternative that the Liberals/leftists want so much?!
---for us to get out, make apologies, leave in a week and never ever come back again!

if SO, I wonder what could happen if one tribe, or the Sunni Muslims, or some Faction or other, then gets a civil war going where 50,000 to 200,000 die?! *would* we all accept that the 10 million-year Law exists called "THE THINNING OF THE HEARD"?! Let them all die. Even when they Plead for redcross!

maybe Bush should just go back to his ranch. No way out, the Undertakers and grave diggers will have a good living, in the years ahead, I suspect. No matter what we do, Death rules.

Kill the terrorists?
---why "sharks teeth"!! Kill one then ten spring up with suicide belts days later. Soon, very very soon, we we have to kill every man woman child there, and in most of the Muslim world to boot, as they all will turn to become "terrorists"!

let them "win", by leaving?!
--why that is their Golden Signal! The signal that they are Right and that their terror actions are the one true way and it *works*!!

"SPAIN TRAIN BOMBING" for all of Europe and north America from then on.....

would YOU want to Convert to Muslumism NOW?! Would not you fight a bit against this?
They see the tidal wave of the Media of the West advance like a tidal wave across their desert! Toss bombs in front of the Advertising Juggernaut, that will Sexualize their whole culture!!

"detachment" through understanding......Might be the only way. In a few years it will not matter, as your undertaker measures your cold corpse, as your "old age" catches up with you, and your body lies on the cold slab in the basement of that cardiac heart intensive care ward!

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

EYE OPENING HEALTH ARTICLE that I read, in a mag, in Barnes and Nobles!

I *think* it was in New Scientist, but I am not sure.

I have to recall this one from memory.

Some researcher from Norway did some studies of overweight people and longevity. He studied 2 MILLION
people and compared their lives over a number of years.
He used the Body mass Index, the BMI index, as a base for this.

---from a page on BMI....
BMI Categories:

Underweight = <18.5
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

this researcher found that the longest living old people had a BMI of 24 to 28.
that the people with a BMI of 18 to 22 had a higher death rate than the people with a BMI of 34 to 36!!

!!!!!!!!!! ! ! !

Biiiiiig Time!

if true, what a bombshell! the longest living people were "overweight"!!
there is so so so much $$$$ involved with the diet industry, why just this am i read in the Democrat that both coke and pepsi....
Atlanta) April 20, 2004 - On Tuesday the Coca-Cola company announced it will launch a new soft-drink with half the carbohydrates of traditional colas. Coca-Cola C2 will make it's debut on June 16th.

Coke says it will have half the sugar, carbs and calories as its flagship brand. It says C2 will debut in Japan before moving to the US.

The new soda's arrival comes just a few months earlier than PepsiCo's low carb soda, Pepsi Edge, which is expected to be on store shelves by the end of the summer.

Coca-Cola creators say they've been working feverishly to revitalize sluggish soft drink sales in North America and are hoping C2 will jump-start cola consumption again.
why just last year, all the doctors put down the Atkins diet!! Now it is a way that all the food/diet people can sell us all new things!

AND....The researcher tells how people who diet and then gain it back and then diet again...Have the highest death rate of all!!

my take on this, sports fans, is this...Eat all you want and weigh as much as you want, but have it that the fat on your belly is from
GOOD STUFF, good food, food that is delicious and healthy! Not food to "fill the void of depression", or " food" that comes from a factory more than from an oven!

Tuesday, May 04, 2004


I like images and pictures that infer a mystery behind what is apparent. From the "small" like what is the history of this station and of the City of Tallahassee that I live in.......

to the "large"......
like how does the afterlife worlds affect this world that we, the living, live in?
"ghosts" are obvious, but I wonder what bleedthroughs occur?!

I remember sitting on an Amtrak, rolling thorough Mississippi, across the Blues delta Yazoo country and
[yes I can still see the painted buildings where blues still *might* be sung!]
I was in the Observation Lounge and I got to talking with someone who was from England and he was going to a certain Miss. City that he picked blind from a map, while living in England! He was going to live there for a bit of time, this area mystified him so....

just to pick a city on a map and move there.....MY!

Monday, May 03, 2004

Bit depressing there, that Autism post.

many of my life's world-events have been Canceled, or removed.....

The brain wiring must have something to do with my soul, as if my soul were a bit "larger"
than the brain could support, thus like clothes hanging outside of a closed suitcase where there is too too much in it, my mind is such.
runs in the family too...
I have a pinhole in a sheet of paper to peer at life through; whereas most people have a window!

But as long as I can accept that "little old ladies on walkers" can pass me by on the sidewalk, I am OK. I move so so slow.
there is an example, and I get flamed for this often. I say just what is right in front of me, how can I do otherwise?! Thus I use the expression...."Little old ladies" without any "sensitivity" to hurting Feelings of little old ladies!! If I were to think about what I say or write, I would end up saying...Writing NOTHING! That is the liberal "problem"...Being SO sensitive to everyone's needs and to everyone's sensitivities....Nothing can be done: cultural gridlock results!

----imagine a room full of furniture and wall hanging stuff. Imagine "redectorating" the room by moving the furniture. Sometimes when a *certain* chair is moved, everything else is SO out of place that every single of the 98 objects in that room needs to be moved! Same with "sensitivity"! If indeed everyone is linked together with everyone else, why to Consider everyone's needs is to face that Gordon Knot!
gotta have that sword to cut through that knot!

that is why Politicians cannot run wars. When they do, watch out, only a "Vietnam"
can occur! That is why a "camel is a horse made by a committee"!

Jesus did his thing ALONE! No conferring to see if that Fig Tree needed blasting!
no "intake interviewing" when he healed that person on Sunday!
no "evaluation" when he wandered down to the well of Samara to relate with that Prostitute!

---letter to a game forum!

:( :( :(

Yes, i quit Morrowind and the mods, altogether!

My HighLevelAutism cannot handle it!

Last night i loaded up MW with my 150 mods, loaded up a save. took ten minutes to load the game up, so many mods. at the *very* end of the load, the screen froze! there was an error message BEHIND the gamescreen, the only way out was to reboot.
"a missing reference".

then i tried to fix it and took another ten minutes to get to the same screen, only i tried to grope around with the mouse to click
on an offending error screen.

*THIS* time, when i began the game, i discovered that the crash; my reseting the computer, deteted the mw ESM and the mw program files and even the launcher!!!!

I treid to "repair" the game, reinstalling mw only to find that i would still have to re-install Eeeeeevvverything!


this is the SECOND time that this has happened, a ruined exe!

must be a quirk with my system, no other game has this problem and no other game gives to me error messeges behind the game screen, unreadable, unclkickable!!

toooo much!

Oh, i suppose i could just reinstall, with testool, and more modern "fixers", why i would probably get back to trying again in a week! trying to PLAY, that is.....a week.

until the *next* time that this occurs, maybe in a day or two....

uninstall my mods....toss out all my mods and backups, uninstall everything, throw out all my printed notes and walkthroughs and mod-faqs! free up 8 to 9 gigs. the boxes await a far distant trade in at EB's

maybe the Console people are RIGHT! just plop in the cd and play away!

no more.
"plain" morrowind will not work, as i have seen what Can be Done! so i will never touch this game ever ever again: another "victory" for Autism!

here i am 62, no wife or lady....no career...etc..etc....I can not even read a novel as if i DO, i have to read all of it in one sitting or else if i set it down, in an hour all the memory is gone: *most* books [ and games] i do not finish!

probably i would love a"mindless" in-your-face shooter, no thinking and no plot, as apparently the "now" is only what i can do. I cannot talk politics as there are no pictures and images with politics or intellectual stuff.

too too too rich for my blood, this mw! needs far far too much "programing hand-holding" for what i can bring to it: my social work sister tells me that my IQ is 140, but i realy function at about 90 IQ all of my life....if *that* high!

---end of Pity Party.

no more posting, by yours truly, either...

so on to SIMPLE games...like of my favorite job that i had, in the
70s....stapling 500 sheets of paper into binders all day long, day after day! that was my favorite job, i only had to quit because of the print shop fumes from the printerpress!
noooo Mind needed, there!

so on to simple games and to

CONSOLES, the balm of the autistic game player....


Saturday, May 01, 2004

From the tower, the 12th floor of Georgia belle Towers, I sit. Not *quite* an "old folks home": gotta be 62 to live here.

the photo is of some rural scene outside of Tallahassee, where I live. The "jungles" are jungles, the water ponds are not for swimming. In fact when a local brainstorm got to have a herd of sheep come to graze a city park, of its Kudzu vine, the sheepherder took the sheep to a pond for a drink and he heard a commotion in the pond. An adult sheep looked to be dragged out into the middle of the pond and then it disappeared forever!!
an Alligator had its Lunch!

appearances are like that road going into the jungle, a place where mold grows on mushrooms and where there might be more airplants growing on the limbs of trees than there are leaves on the tree. Wooden objects, like old building ruins, go away soon: termites.
Oh the mystery, this is a place where Magnolias grow wild! They are blooming now, in a forest where already the leaves are full of bug holes, even though in the USA North, snow can still fall.
And the tales......Some of which are not nice! Some are incredibly wonderful.

---a rural black church where there are cots along the walls for people when they Get Possessed by the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues and fall unconscious.
---a sinkhole where a mob-killed man was tossed and the hole swallowed him up.
---a man bought a house in March and then he went to Alaska for the summer and when he returned in the late fall, he went to his property and he could not
his house!
It was gone. All he could see was a 30 foot mound of KUDZU VINE! Eaten up entirely. Took him a month to get it off!
[they say, if you want to plant the sprigs of this stuff, for erosion control, you need 3 tools. A shovel to dig the hole, a bucket of water to water the planted sprig, and a Machete so that you can get away!!]
----a row of old pickup trucks, maybe 15 trucks. Each one was deposited in chronological order, by one person, from about 1945 until a few years ago.

I like it here, been here for over 40 years, on and off, now.

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