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my life after Near Death Experiences: 04/01/2004 - 04/30/2004
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Friday, April 30, 2004

new york times

ADULT AUTISM.......heads up, for those who might be interested!

April 29, 2004
Answer, but No Cure, for a Social Disorder That Isolates Many

ast July, Steven Miller, a university librarian, came across an article about a set of neurological conditions he had never heard of called autistic spectrum disorders. By the time he finished reading, his face was wet with tears.

"This is me," Mr. Miller remembers thinking in the minutes and months of eager research that followed. "To read about it and feel that I'm not the only one, that maybe it's O.K., maybe it's just a human difference, was extremely emotional. In a way it has changed everything, even though nothing has changed."

Mr. Miller, 49, who excels at his job but finds the art of small talk impossible to master, has since been given a diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome, an autistic disorder notable for the often vast discrepancy between the intellectual and social abilities of those who have it.

Because Asperger's was not widely identified until recently, thousands of adults like Mr. Miller people who have never fit in socially are only now stumbling across a neurological explanation for their lifelong struggles with ordinary human contact.

As Mr. Miller learned from the article, autism is now believed to encompass a wide spectrum of impairment and intelligence, from the classically unreachable child to people with Asperger's and a similar condition called high-functioning autism, who have normal intelligence and often superior skills in a given area. But they all share a defining trait: They are what autism researchers call "mind blind." Lacking the ability to read cues like body language to intuit what other people are thinking, they have profound difficulty navigating basic social interactions. The diagnosis is reordering their lives. Some have become newly determined to learn how to compensate.

They are filling up scarce classes that teach skills like how close to stand next to someone at a party, or how to tell when people are angry even when they are smiling. Others, like Mr. Miller, have decided to disclose their diagnosis, hoping to deflect the often-hostile responses their odd manners and miscues provoke. In some cases, it has helped. In others, it seemed only to elicit one more rejection.

This new wave of discovery among Aspies, as many call themselves, is also sending ripples through the lives of their families, soothing tension among some married couples, prompting others to call it quits. Parents who saw their adult children as lost causes or black sheep are fumbling for ways to help them, suddenly realizing that they are disabled, not stubborn or lazy.

For both Aspies and their families, relief that their difficulties are not a result of bad parenting or a fundamental character flaw is often coupled with acute disappointment at the news that there is no cure for the disorder and no drug to treat it.

"We are with Asperger's where we were 20 years ago with mental illness," said Lynda Geller, director of community services at the Cody Center for Autism in Stony Brook, N.Y. "It is thought to be your fault, you should just shape up, work harder, be nicer. The fact that your brain actually works differently so you can't is not universally appreciated."

Some Aspies interviewed asked to remain anonymous for fear of being stigmatized. But with the knowledge that their dysfunction is rooted in biology, many say remaining silent to pass as normal has become an even greater strain.

"I would like nothing better than to shout it out to everyone," a pastor in California whose Asperger's was just diagnosed wrote in an e-mail message. "But there is so much explanation and education that needs to happen that I risk being judged incompetent."

Some are finding solace in support groups where they are meeting others like themselves for the first time. And a growing number are beginning to celebrate their own unique way of seeing the world. They question the superiority of people they call "neurotypicals" or "N.T.'s"and challenge them to adopt a more enlightened, gentle outlook toward social eccentricities.

Asks the tag line of one online Asperger support group: "Is ANYONE really `normal?' "

Discovery: Finding Reason for Social Gaffes

In recent years, a growing awareness about autism has led to a sharp increase in children receiving special services for their autism disorders. But for many adults who came before them, the process of discovering the condition has been haphazard.

Mr. Miller, a senior academic librarian at the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee, had searched for years for an explanation for what he saw as a personal failing, at one point buying stacks of self-help books. Many others sink into depression, their conditions misdiagnosed, or struggle without any help.

Now, autism centers intended for children are being flooded with adults who suspect they have Asperger's. Since the condition runs in families, psychologists treating autistic children are often the ones diagnosing it in parents or relatives.

Often the new diagnoses involve people who for years have been deemed rude, clueless or just plain weird because of their blunt comments or all-too-personal disclosures. They typically have a penchant for accuracy and a hard-wired dislike for the disruption of routine.

Unusually sensitive to light, touch and noise, some shrink from handshakes and hugs. Humor, which so often depends on tone of voice and familiarity with social customs, can be hard for them to comprehend. Although many have talents like memory for detail and an ability to focus intently for long periods, Aspies often end up underemployed and lonely. Unlike more severely impaired autistics, they often crave social intimacy, and they are acutely aware of their inability to get it.

Those with the condition often develop a passion for a narrow field that drives them to excel in it, but fail to realize when they are driving others crazy by talking about it. And they are reflexively honest, a trait that can be refreshing or not.

On a recent afternoon at the Center for Brain Health at New York University, Louise Kavaldo, 57, who received a diagnosis of Asperger's last month, prepared to take some cognitive tests.

"Do you think my shirt is too tight?" she asked Isabel Dziobek, the researcher.

"No," Ms. Dziobek replied. "I like the way the green goes with your hat."

"Well I think your shirt is too tight," replied Ms. Kavaldo, who has a B.A. in sociology and works in early childhood education. "I think it's unprofessional."

Researchers say autism spectrum disorders are a result of a combination of perhaps 10 to 20 genes, plus environmental factors, that seem to cause the brain to exhibit less activity in its social and emotional centers. Unlike people with classic autism, which is often accompanied by mental retardation, those with Asperger's have normal language development and intelligence. First identified in 1946 by the Viennese physician Hans Asperger, the condition was little-known until it was added to the American psychiatric diagnostic manual in 1994. Only in the last few years have mental health professionals become widely aware of it.

The degree to which someone is affected may correlate with how many of the autism genes he or she has, some researchers say. About one in 165 people are thought to be on the autistic spectrum, although estimates vary.

The recent spike in diagnoses of autism in people who are generally able to function in society has prompted some to suggest that it is an excuse for bad behavior or the latest clinical fad. But psychologists and researchers say they are simply better able to recognize the condition now. While many people may have a few of the traits and just one or two of the genes, to qualify for an Asperger's diagnosis they typically must have developed obsessive interests and social difficulties at an early age that now significantly impair their ability to function.

Carl Pietruszka, 52, said that being found to have Asperger's had been a blow to a long-held fantasy. "It's been my hope for years and years that if I keep working at it, I'll find a strategy that will fix things, that if I practice enough, it'll be O.K.," Mr. Pietruszka said. "Now I know I'm working with Asperger's, which is going to be an ongoing thing. It'll get better, but it's not going to be O.K. That has me seriously bummed out."

Mr. Pietruszka, who was laid off from four engineering jobs over a decade, said colleagues had often ribbed him for being too serious and "not getting it."

"It doesn't make you feel good," he said. "It festers."

Instead of looking for work with a company where he would have to navigate office politics again, he has set up his own business as a home inspector in Harleysville, Pa., where clients have complimented his thoroughness.

Inspiration: Trying to Learn Hidden Curriculum

Pretending to be normal, even for a few hours, is mentally exhausting, many Aspies say. But for some, the diagnosis is an inspiration to master what autism experts call the hidden curriculum: social rules everyone knows but could never say how they learned.

A class taught by Mary Cohen, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania's new clinic for adult social learning disorders, is crowded with people whose conditions are newly diagnosed. The subject at a recent session was basic conversation. As the class watched from behind a two-way mirror, pairs of students tried talking to each other without lapsing into silence.

Then came the review: had it been a dialogue, or had someone gone on too long about the early history of Russia? Did they lean in? Eye contact, Dr. Cohen cautioned, should be regular but not "like you're boring a hole through them." Moving the eyebrows can help.

Gresham O'Malley, 33, a computer support technician, said he hoped the class might make it easier for him to find a girlfriend.

But classes like Dr. Cohen's are few and far between. Mostly, parents, siblings and spouses are left to explain such everyday social rules as which urinal to select (preferably not the one next to another that is occupied) and why a prospective employer does not have to be told about a punctuality problem.

At a support group for parents in Dix Hills, N.Y., the two-hour meeting runs late as more than two dozen participants trade notes about adult children who always had trouble making friends but now face more serious problems. After flubbing dozens of job interviews, many spend their days playing video games.

"Don't you get the advice, `Give him a kick in the pants?' " one father asks.

"Exactly," answers a mother. " `You're spoiling him.' "

"Our relatives will say, `He looks fine to me,' " adds another parent. "And he does look fine. That's not the point."

Some of the anger is directed at mental health professionals who as recently as two years ago failed to identify Asperger's when they saw it. But some parents also complain about the lack of tolerance for "weird" kids, and the weird adults they grow up to be.

"If my daughter was in a wheelchair, people would be opening doors for her," said Larry Berman, a salesman who attends a similar group in Philadelphia. "Wouldn't it make a quantum difference if instead of it all being on our kids to flex to meet the rest of the world, the rest of the world would meet them halfway?"

Aware that their missteps seem all the more shocking because they show no visible signs of disability, some are choosing to disclose their Asperger diagnosis in hopes of heading off social mishaps or because they are in the middle of one.

When Eric Jorgensen, a programmer at Microsoft, confronted his boss's boss in a group meeting, his colleagues told him later that they were cringing, and he received a reprimand from his supervisor.

"I talked to my boss and said, `This is an example where I need help,' " said Mr. Jorgensen, who realized that he had Asperger's after his son's diagnosis of autism. Mr. Jorgensen's boss at the time, Ed Keith, had never heard of Asperger's. But he assigned a team member to form strategies with Mr. Jorgensen. In public meetings, they agreed, someone would throw a pen at him when he was going too far. Privately, they would tell him directly, rather than hint at it in ways he might not understand.

"They cared about me and I sensed that," Mr. Jorgensen said. It may have helped, too, that he is what Mr. Keith describes as "one of the best guys that I've ever worked with" at finding defects in the design of software. In the argument with their boss, Mr. Keith said, Mr. Jorgensen was clearly undiplomatic. "But he was right."

Not everyone is finding such enlightened responses.

When John Hatton, 40, of Boston, began to tell friends about his Asperger's diagnosis, they were skeptical.

"Almost everyone I contacted about this were either sort of perplexed or I don't want to say hostile," said Mr. Hatton, who said he had been fired from more than 26 jobs over the last two decades and now received federal disability assistance. "They thought I had found an excuse or something."

Results: Saving Marriages, Ending Others

For troubled marriages, the diagnosis can be pivotal.

One Los Angeles woman remembers the precise angle of the sun coming through the library window when she first read about Asperger's. She had wanted to leave her marriage for years but blamed herself for failing to make it work. When her husband refused to discuss whether his condition contributed to their problems, she said, she was able to leave without guilt.

But for Janet and Eric Jorgensen, the diagnosis helped smooth out the rough edges. Ms. Jorgensen, attending a conference to learn more about her autistic son, said it was like "a light coming on" when she heard that adult family members were often given diagnoses only after a child had been identified as being on the autism spectrum.

"It just sort of hit me, `That explains Eric,' " she said.

He still says things that are callous, at least on the surface.

"She'll say something about how terrible her clothes look," Mr. Jorgensen explains. "I'll say, `Yes, honey, those are terrible-looking clothes,' when really she's wanting some affirmation that her clothes don't look terrible."

At those moments, Ms. Jorgensen now tells her husband that he is acting like an "ass burger," a running joke that defuses anger on both sides. But such exchanges have mostly disappeared because Ms. Jorgensen knows that she is unlikely to get what she wants that way.

Learning to be more direct herself was not so horrible.

"I would just go change the clothes," she said. "If I want affirmation I need to say, `I'm feeling a little insecure, can you give me reassurance?' "

United by their newfound identity, Asperger adults, so used to being outcasts, are finding themselves part of an unlikely community. Through online and in-person support groups, many are for the first time sharing the pains and occasional pleasures of feeling, as one puts it, "like extraterrestrials stranded on earth."

Emboldened by the strength of their numbers, they are also increasingly defying, or at least exploring, how to bend the social rules to which they have tried so hard to adapt.

Some brag about their high scores on the "autism quotient" test, developed by Cambridge University as a measure of autism in adults. "What's your `Rain Man' talent?" asked a recent subject line on an Aspie e-mail discussion list, referring to the movie starring Dustin Hoffman as an autistic savant. Answers included perfect memory for phone numbers and "annoying people by asking awkward questions."

At a recent meeting of the Manhattan adult support group, a woman explained that she "just wanted to see if I fit in the group."

A longtime member replied, "None of us fit in with the group."

Neurotypical friends had been invited to serve as "expert" panelists to field questions on the evening's topic: flirting. But the best advice came from the Aspies.

"I find that sometimes shutting up and just not talking often makes them think you're a good listener when in fact you're just not talking," said one participant.

Michael J. Carly, the group's leader, suggested: "How about, `Hi, I'm Michael. I really stink at flirting but would you like to go for a walk to the library or something?' "

The next generation of Asperger's adults may already be benefiting from an earlier diagnosis. After the condition was diagnosed in her son Jared at age 12, Nancy Johnson of Edmonds, Wash., was able to persuade his public school to provide a full-time aide who coached him on social skills for the next four years. Ms. Johnson learned how to rid Jared of some of his behavioral quirks, like his tendency to walk over to other tables in restaurants to get a better look at the food.

Ignoring his mother's concerns about his special interest ("I wouldn't have picked lizards," she says), Jared, now 19, has his path to becoming a renowned herpetologist all mapped out. After a rough time in middle school, where he says he finally learned the social consequences of picking his nose in public, he describes himself as "practically popular."

"It does seem like people with Asperger's, once they click, have a lot of advantages in life," Jared said. "It's like we stay tadpoles for longer, but once we're ready, we're no less of a frog."

Oh that "sweet little old lady" at Georgia belle, the other day!

I was afraid this would happen....

she is so so so sweet. So gentle in voice, and self effacing. She merely asked me, in the hall, if I could help her buy a new computer, take her to the Best Buy! I told her that I had no car, a "put off", as she was so uncertain about everything.

she wandered if her AOL account was still good.

turns out, sports fans, that she has an old computer but has not used it in a month: the Son paid for an internet provider
but he had discontinued it. She thought that there might be a disk around her room of AOL.
[I would install it!]

turns out that her daughter had posted her BABY'S photo onto her site, and the old mother wanted to look at at.
zeeeeee-ro computer knowledge, of course, and I would have to do it all...

of course, in her generation, the 1920s generation, ladies never were supposed to do anything for themselves and if they DID, it would be proof that they were not loved! And not worth much.

a wakeup call for me too, as to just how people can have different values in life: what is important! 99% of this old lady's life is in Involvement with her children and the immediate family: family *IS* all....
nothing else is important or even real. Her wall is lined with photos and that is all she thinks about, surely.
I am not saying this is "bad": just a wake up call that there are people out there that have really REALLY different "important focuses" in life!


---Search over 80, 000 alternative health and spiritual web sites

Thursday, April 29, 2004

Sai Baba!

----Interesting article, one of many that I have read, in the Tallahassee Democrat, the other day, about the
"concern of Christians about the books that show Jesus married and have kids and a Bloodline".
this really worries Mainline Christians: Jesus is *only* a man, like you or I!!.

Baba, too, has been accused of "childsex" and "homo-behavior" with many kids in his college programs and to visitors at his Ashram!
"feet of Clay"....Bigtime!!

I have come to a conclusion, after I have read of the "unpteenth" description of someone, in a near death experience, having seen Jesus in a strange way, I have Come to a "summation:" over this...
The NDE person saw Jesus, but this Jesus did not look *anything* like the Jesus from the Bible or from all the icons/pictures, out there!!

I saw, once, in one of MY astral Dreams, such a personage who I think was "Jesus"...A short man with white curly hair and a round face! Not "quite" Sai baba, and not "Jesus" either!

Perhaps Spirit is doing this "bloodline" thing, as it NEEDS to be done, the "deconstruction" of Jesus! *make* him only a man who shits and has sex and may not even have been killed on the cross! *make* him only to be seen *as* a man, ONLY!!
----because Love, Truth, Goodness is formless, shapeless!
and Jesus is an


a "thing"!!
Jesus is a coffee cup, containing the Christ-Spirit, and too too many worship a thing, the empty cup!

"kill the Buddha if you see him sitting along the road"...The Zen people say!
"God has no form, do not use pictures or icons"...The Mohammad people say...

Jesus is a form, a cup: thus a person with not a single picture of Jesus on the wall....Not a bible in the house, and not even "saved, or a church go-er, can be filled with Love, Truth, Goodness, and be filled with the Christ Spirit!!

my Christian aunt tells me that one of her inlaws she cannot understand. The lady is very Moral, very caring, very loving, and is not a Christian by profession and does never go to a church, and yet this lady, my aunt tells me, is more "Christian"
than most Christians that she knows!! My aunt cannot Understand, as she dwells upon the Form of Jesus!

Sai baba recently sent out a letter to all his Staff and inner devotees, at the ashram, that "there is too too much
focus, of the devotees, upon his body and form, and something must be done about this"!
*then* the sex scandals began to surface!
Baba might very well wants to be very SURE that no one ever ever again hangs a picture of him on their walls ever ever again!

so I am all for this, the deconstuction of Jesus! Make him only a man. Make him a family man. Make him only a "myth" created by unhappy Jewish people who lived under the yoke of Roman imperialism!
make not even a "Christian heaven...Have the Guides deconstruct even that, up there!

If "coffee" were served, in heaven, in anything BUT a "coffee cup", like in a jar, a vase, a bottle, or maybe even just by itself, with no container at all: *would* you recognize this stuff *as* coffee?!! Otherwise you might be given an empty coffee cup with nothing in it, there!!

---all ya need!
Love, goodness, truth....They have not a "shape" at all! After all, what does "truth", for instance, LOOK LIKE?!
what does "Love" look like? "Love" just by itself, not manifested in anything.

*that* is much of the problem of the Christian church of Today: they crunch, with their teeth, ground up empty coffee cups!! They lost the allegiance of the younger generation years ago and yet they do not know it!!

Monday, April 26, 2004

---sign on the church Sermon board, along a side street, in Tallahassee, FL.

"a man who moves the world, is not moved *by* the world"!

Interesting take on "non-attachment"! I pondered a moment on..."Why a man"? Why not "people"?!
---of course, is it that this Baptist church is still in Stereotype thinking?

Somehow the Alternative is a bit "disturbing" to me as then there are no clear cut "boundaries or terms"!
Autistic people NEED boundaries! Else everything is everything: I learned this right off, when that college server, in the caferteria, served me a heaping of juicy cole slaw right next to the white rice! All the juice was soaked up by the rice!
thus the rice-taste and the coleslaw taste was together and the same!
imagine a blender mixing up all your meal's contents, on "maximum power, until a grey mush forms...The cole slaw, the rice, the apple pie, the cheese omelet, and the salad. With the coffee too, all in one grey mush!

when you "appease" all people's Pet Bias's, you get a grey mush.
"People"...What about the Animals; many "animal activists" equate animals as being *equal* to humans!

What could I say to the Canvasser at the steps of the public library, who was getting Petitions to raise the minimum wage?
I tried to say something....something about....."You really ought to have a petition to LOWER the minimum wage instead: what do ya want...Have *all* the jobs go overseas?!!"
[I could well imagine a factory owner having to pay $8 an hour for ALL his 200 beginning laborers: he chooses then to outsource to Asia, instead!! No one have a job, in that factory!!
gotta bring the co$t of living down, instead, to be competitive with most of the world...Rents for $30 a month, rice for three cents a dish....*then* we can pay the fifty cents an hour that is about the Gold Standard for 3rd world wages all over the world and then jobs will stay here in America!!]

On a computer game mail list, of 600+ people, this muslin poster keeps trying to get everyone to Convert, no matter how many times that people on the list try to get her to stop!
I entered the fry.....Here is my reply to the list!!
--- xxxxxxx wrote:
> Women in Islam
> Sexual Politics
> Imagine this world where companionship , this
> sheltering cloak for man and for woman. Imagine such
> a world, and you can enter it. This is the world of
> Islam.
ya know.....I Treat this post like I do all the Fundamentalist Christian posts! I go right to the end of the post, the last line or two, and I read what the "payoff is"!!

I never ever will have to think about choosing anything ever ever again: all choices will have been made FOR me!
actually, some who might read what I just wrote, will AGREE with this!

not me!

I remember a Game, some nameless RPG game, or adventure game, where I ended up following the walkthrough as a "first action"! That is...I would read a line in the walkthrough, then play out the action, then consult the walkthrough for the next step!! Be like taking a walking tour through the streets of London, with guidebook in hand, and following the walk-route *by* the guidebook, and not deviating from it!
In my game, I started the game innocently enough, but the game was so written that I had to do this: I uninstalled it soon after!!

reminds me of "RPG-lite" games where all the choices are made for me!!

here I recently installed the Big Picture and and then all of the mods that are "compatible" with it, the weidu series, maybe another 80 megs....along with the Romance mod!

I have to pitch the walkthroughs away, toss out the weapons/item lists, and Go Cold!!
this excites me!

Unfettered from faqs, using only my own Mind and Soul...to choose.

I want my religion to be the same!

what I *slightly* fear, sports fans, is that our ever-increasing complicated age, coupled with the *perceived* "too too liberal" mores and morals of our
society [read: "Sodom and Gomorra come to be here in America"!] that an ever increasing number of people will "pitch in the towel" and sign up with a Cult that will prescribe what to DO, what to think, what to feel, as the Choice actions are too too much for many to bear!

I still remember that 1958 tv-special, on the history of Pre-Hitler Germany. I recall seeing that shot of the middle-class German man with his wheelbarrow full of money, full to the brim, just to take to market so to buy a pound of potatoes!
the Inflation, there, then, was SO SO SO increasing, that merchants had to close three times a day so that they could raise their prices on the stickers of all their items!
the German middle class said "all-of-one-mind"
"eeeeeeee-nough" and they elected Hitler and the Nazis/SSS troops, To Set Things Right!! They gave up all their freedoms so that they could Function!!

so this person will continue to post the Muslin stuff, surely, and I can understand well, WHY no one can "convince" this poster to leave!! I do not think that the convincers Understand why this poster does not takes the hint! The critics are Clueless!!
when one has a certain "rightness" all critics comments fall off one's back like water from a raincoat, as now ALL of the uncertainties of choice and "rightness' are GONE! It is seen as "everyone else's problem" why they do Not Convert Now!! It is *your* problem, sports fans, all 600 members of this list, as to why you do not Accept the offer of conversion! The poster is *the* most rational, here,
UNDER THE MORALS OF MUSLIMS, thus no suggestions or critics can change his/her minds, the people who post here, to convince us all of the wonders of Muslimism!

unfortunately....Probably 95% of the readers, of this list, *would* choose some "cult" that would promise
Deliverance from Choice and uncertainly!!
take "diet plans"! Most people who diet Bond to a prelaid-out system that takes the thinking away: they do NOT listen to their body, they do NOT allow that their body might have individual Needs for nutients
[jack sprat could eat no lean, Mrs Sprat could eat no fat"!]
so dieters "swallow whole" the whole diet plan bag, without any choice!! When that Plan fails them, why they just go on to another Plan, and do that one.
betcha some of these dieters, on this list, critic this Muslim postings!!!!!
if so...They are "secret believers" then!!
maybe they should Convert, and then be happy!


Saturday, April 24, 2004

I went to an "all you can eat" place, just now! A smorgesboard, one plate for meal and another for salad and 30 items per bar and you can go back!
mmmmm good!
there are *very* few thin people there who come to eat, I see many 250 pounders. I am probably the thinnest one there, at 6' 2" and 134 lbs!
Interesting, how one's dreams can tell one what to eat.....Like that Seance that I read of, one day, in a book about a psychic.
she went to the meeting and the night before the teacher's guide told everyone to bring a clean drinking class with them, as
the spirits were going to try to APPORT, materialize, a fluid into each glass. They all were told that the fluid would be different for each person and this personal apport would be a liquid that contains some essential vitamin or substance that
they are in the need of MOST!!
so that night, she, along with all the other 10 to 12 people, were instructed to set the glass behind their chair, during the prayer and singing and then each would look at his/hers. She wrote that she could hear a dim sloshing sound during the prayer.
Afterwards each person turned around to see......

see a glass full of "something liquid"! Hers was green colored. Tasted like bitter stuff. The next person over got a chalk-like water, that tasted sweet.
each was different. Everyone got something.

so my dream told me, about a month ago, what is best for me to eat. I will not mention it!! Too too many people out there who would not want to know, as they hold their diets *SO* personally! Some people eat-by-philosophy!
"philosophy-first", then eat, no matter what their body tells them.

I think that the best diet for anyone is the diet that fits that person's genetic and needs! Some people need 300 times more, say, vitamen C than the next person down the block!!
do not listen to the Diet Churners, they make money off your worry!

better to blow up like a blimp and Die happy.....

that man in the DoNut shop who told me....."I recently had my 3rd Bypass surgery, and I live here in Gainesville by a "choice"
made over how Sands hospital is the best cardiac hospital around. I have to eat by striiiiiiict diet, I have to weigh everything and keep it under Control! But I come from Louisiana Cajun country and my young adult Cajun diet has it where *everything* in it is BANNED: oh I wish that I could go back there and eat to my heart's content and die in a year"!!

he did not go.
maybe he SHOULD, sports fans!
---there are many who eat with carbo-gram-calorie, book in hand, with scales! Eat *precisely* what they do not like
and live another year or two, unhappy!

cousin to that person who undergoes "HEROIC" chemotherapy and loses all the hair and ends up not being able to eat, from then on drinking only diet mixes, for food; lives a year or two in utter misery!

I intend to go often to the all you can eat, place!!

Friday, April 23, 2004

---from Kevin Williams site about Near death experiences, this slogan:

"The best way to get to heaven is to take it with you." - Henry Drummond



Greetings to you! My name is Kevin Williams and I am the owner and webmaster of this website. Over the years, an increase in the public interest in near-death experiences (NDEs) has helped make this website the number one ranked website on the subject. It is my goal is to transform this website into the "Grand Central Station of Near-Death Experiences." My mission is to help connect people with information and resources about NDEs and NDE research for the purpose of understanding death and thereby understanding life in a way that brings tremendous joy and love.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

a night ago I had a small dream. I could tell what the mechanics of it were.....From my astral experiences. My friend Sam, who died in 1999, and has come to see me often, came to see me last night. I "built" a dreamstage for his visit: my childhood home....
He came and sat with me and the only thing he said to me was,

"many Viet Nam vets are bothered by deceased, killed, soldiers coming to them and obsessing them. Soldiers from both sides and also from other wars."
that was all......

That is enough!!
why Sam knows now, first hand, about how many killed soldiers cannot come to terms with Death, dying so young, and they may not be able to really enter heaven. They could be "stuck"! stuck on the earthplane, or just below it! And they are angry angry, angry at their death, angry at life, as well as death, and nothing is "worked out".
Christians would call these souls...."Demons"! They would be Right! These Tormented souls cannot let go, or enter heaven: they come to live through their embodied victims, here on earth: get them to get angry so that these souls can FEED on that anger and make them feel more awake and alive, as they live in a dim limbo, and need earthly emotions in order to keep awake and as they have little Love, in their soul-hearts, anger will do quite well!! Thus they need to cause
conflicts and anger, in whoever they obsess/possess!
Sam was a Viet Nam era vet.

later that day, I sat near a lady who shizo-ly has conversations with herself, all in anger! Probably Sam KNEW that I would sit near her, later that day! A good lesson!
thus many Vets are "multiples" Truly, as their might be 2 to 50 souls hovering near their Aura and influencing their feelings.

reiteration: "be aware of your thoughts and feelings, often they are not your own"!

----if these "other feelings", that are not yours, do NOT come from demons, they come from the friends around you, your family, your culture, perhaps!
....Those car ad pitchers OWN YOU, otherwise!!!

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

The other day, I went looking in a list of sites that are supposed to be to help one with search engines. I found the one, below, that looked interesting.
Upon reading it, I thought that I knew a little bit about how to set my my weblogs so that they are "search engine friendly".
I *thought* that I knew.....


this site, below, has, for one, a link to a "keyword checker", where one can enter a keyword and then see how it ranks in Google. Then other similar words come up, some of which might be better to use: tic little use if most of one's keywords only rank a "8 hits per month", whereas words that you did NOT use, scored 841!! Then they list that word, and others, so that you can use it too...

also...I see they have a checker and low and behold I made a mistake in my header for one weblog: NO search words were listed!

....The hidden "name" of the site is all .....too! Choice of words is critical.

anyways....I copied what I placed at the bottom of my page, most of the words are quotes from this site...Go Learn About How To Place your weblog or site into the Limelight
of the Internet, for all to see!!!

If you want more people to visit your website, you must know how to create search-engine-friendly webpages,
and then submit your URL to all the major search engines. That's what this link is all about.
Here you will find all the information, keywords, and automatic submission tools you
need to do the job properly!
Using this resource,
you'll do a much better job of promoting your site.
And best of all, it's FREE.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Well I am going to edit and remove that "political" post!!

I better Listen to my Dreams, sports fans, myself, included!!

Here I sit, on the 12th floor of Georgia belle, they just last week have an internet computer installed. Here I sis, looking out of the window, over this subtropical city, with a "antipolitical dream"!
It began innocently enough, it began in my hometown high school. A "teaching dream" probably, and the dream was vague and it seemed to be with the usual stuff, like that never never to be finished exam with Mrs VanDusan, my 8th grade teacher, where I *always* failed at math, no matter how hard I tried, an "old school" teacher, who in 1957 was a terror to me! She taught my father too!! Rumor had it that she taught until 1980, and even after retirement, she would substitute teach until the early 1990s!!
I was walking out of the principles office, in my dream, and up walking to me was a man who looked out of place there.
He was about five foot tall and looked like a woman, wearing an orange dress that came down to his feet, a robe, really.
His hair was "afro" but not afro, just very curly.


he says, on this, to me....
"IT does not matter anymore what you say or do"...Referring to some previous "something" that had to do with a dimly recalled something, just before meeting baba, where I was a bit "political" in the principles office!
------does not matter what political stance I take, the mind must already be made up and any emotionality, on my part, is useless!

Later that day, after I went out to do things, at the coffee shop, that leftist student leaped out of his seat, in livid rage, calling me a "racist" as I had mentioned something about "black kids in the Ghetto each one trying on his/her own initiative to change his/her life, to take personal action". *that* was what inflamed him as he saw them as VICTIMS, victims, basically, of "whitey", in all all all ways possible and it was up to government to change everything! Police brutality, oppression...You name it. He saw me as 100% racist.
my seatmate told me, later, that his mind was already made up long ago.
Baba Knew, in advance, this would happen.
tis hard for me not to "leap in" to saying something, and if I were even to live another ten years beyond my 62 years, all this political stuff is "nothing". nothing.....As mostly the mind has already frozen into dogma and fixed. Cannot convince, cannot change...
these radical people, after all, are out to change *YOU*!! They are not kind...Loving...Gentle, they are abrasive in tone, abraxive and abrasive: you would NOT want one of them for Lunch, with your meal, as they *want* to make things as unpleasant as possible for you so that you will have your "consciousness raised"!
we all would still be living in the 'cave man days" if it were not for these people! They are the Changers!!
like it or not!
I would be called "autistic" or "high level functioning" or "aspergers"! I think in pictures and cannot even grasp a political statement! Cannot eat coffee with a fork: I think in story images and metaphors only! I just have out of body experiences where I have talked to all of my relatives and friends, in heaven and often in two way conversations!
People have been Killed just for quietly telling tales like this, though!

you would not want to read some of my comments!! "weirdo". "Crazy". "You need a shrink"!!
ah well....Funny, the Christians are the MOST critical of my dreams, as my experiences are *not* quiiiiiite like their Dogma
of salvation. I have to LIE to my Christian aunt and to my relatives and to most people , "lie" in that I never talk about my dreams or experiences!

So I will have to follow Baba's advice.....Stay away from political rants......

Monday, April 19, 2004

I went to Lake City, the other day, for to have a medical test done at the vet Hospital.
I passed by the town of Madison, a photo is here, from someone else.
Interesting, I find, how each and every town is different, even if they are only one county apart! Even 10 miles apart! The vibes, the economy, the "happiness quotient"
might be radically different. Lake city, itself, does not put on airs. The houses are small and the small businesses, outside of town, that cater to the machine tool trade, are very cluttered and dirty, the owner's house trailer might be in back, with no "grace" of "beauty, at all...
"beauty" is in the "functionality" of the clutter and the junk, around the building, see...
rusty tractors....Old decrepit cars and hordes of rust-colored parts to machinery, all laying in the dirt and weeds...The parking lot is cracked and the metal building needs paint very very badly. But if you want to have your Catipillar tractor fixed???? *this* might be the very best place to come for help! Probably the owner eats grits for breakfast and weighs 220 pounds and can and DOES eat a whole bag of cookies in one sitting and "dinner manners" for him, is in taking off his grease-covered coveralls, for supper! Might Smoke too...

a blacksmith.

does not belong to the Kiwanis club or to the 1st Baptist church.
wears a suit only for his own funeral!

But he will make your cat run right, or maybe craft a gear for your grain harvester, on his forge, where if you ordered that gear it would take 3 months, while your wheat rots in the field, HE will forge and install this gear in an hour or three!!

not only in the south....

in my hometown, my own father...All of the above except the grits!!
later in life he would eat his desert BEFORE the meal to make sure that he eats it as desert is the best part of it all...
drag him to the doctors or drag him xmas shopping...

here in the big city of Tallahassee, there are many who FORGET....Forget that the "coffee is more important than the cup"!! They are more interested in the form and prettiness of the outside of things and people!!

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

There is a political rant, I read, in a newsgroup that is involved with the game
BALDUR'S GATE. 600+ subscribers, and there is/are someones who throw political statements into it, over how RIGHT the Iraqians are and that America should leave and that we all MUST, in the west Convert Now to Muslimism!

I entered this fray.....Here is my post, to them!
--- xxxxxx wrote:
> Crimes in Iraq
> Will Fallujah Be Leveled?
> By Firas Al-Atraqchi
> Freelance Columnist
> 06/04/2004
> US forces seal off Fallujah, Monday, April 5, in

well I will Enter this Fray!

interesting......I am beginning to see that the whole world is like this....The Ghetto kid who is oppressed
by the police, the city, the whites, the corporations, where the rap music for whites is nothing but rage or
tis the Time to take a stand, and "go orbital" on anything and everything and NO middle ground permitted, apparently!!

I try to see both sides of everything and *that* gets me in vast trouble! Why the KKK has Truth to teach, as well as what truth that Al-Queada has for the west....al queda is the Shadow of the west...

the west has no law of anykind, let alone God's law!
that is...I mean not the legal law but the Meanings of life, that each person has!
no one looks at that tombstone, approaching, as they travel along their road of life: is it a Door, or is it a dead End?! If a dead end, then the heat Death of the universe is Real, and any positive thing that you do is just a climbing bug, climbing up the walls
of a descending elevator!!
if *not* a dead end, then Ideals, love, Goodness, Truth...Count for all, but then the very next thing that you see, after you go through that door, is a MIRROR, that reflects back to you, your entire life, with no holds bared, as to the truth of it!! No longer will you lie to others or to yourself, as you wear your life, all of it, for everyone to see!!

There are Inklings of this, in the Planescape worlds, of
Bauldurs gate/neverwinter nights. Worlds upon worlds, dimensions upon dimensions, of ways of life that, *if* real, then an open mind and heart, is the only way to go!
In Baldurs gate, often the mages/wizards, think only of themselves, and they try to defeat all other wizards around them....These games reflect our ways of life!

sad thing is...If you take away that big hamburger
"Golden arches" company, another would take its place!
same with Countries in power..If America goes aaway, then maybe the Chinese will rule the world. If the Chinese go...Then maybe Russia.
even the "noble savages" the American Indians, were *not* pure as the new agers would like!! I read just now, that the Iroquois loved to Torture very *very*
cruelly and awfully, the people from the next door Huron tribe!!

if America leaves Iraq, then the Iraqians will Do it
to themselves ala HAITI!! Each tribe and sect will
war with each other, and any despot that emerges better watch his back!! Mr Castro, of Cuba, disposed a bad tyrant!!
the Americans leave Iraq: *SOMALIA* may be what will happen....The ever thinning of the herd will occur!!

yes, these days everyone is "political"!! I had a man stand up, in a coffee shop, last month, standing up full of rage rage, like he put on gasoline for Colonge, and I lit a match because he overheard just on line that I spoke, about the "hope that the Detroit
black ghetto kids should try to Raise themselves upwards by Individual efforts, and self awareness and self advancement"
ooooh that set him off...He called me a racist, as I did not concede that these kids were VICTIMS and that is due to eeeeeverything oppressing them and all of that oppression must first go away!! [read: white culture...The police, the schools, the government...Everything of the west, from religion to values!!]

the great values of the "hippie movement" of the 60s and early 70s....The ARCHETYPE that I see, occurring, is just this, in its degregation....Go look at any newsgroup, even this one, and see that if you look at any long post, where many many people reply, the very best answers are always on the first 3 to 5 replies, and soon soon afterwards, soon flame wars break out as someone is deeply offended over a small "nothing" and some of these wars get real real NASTY!! Soon, the thread is nothing but Snits, nothing but ego-wars!
today, anything that you say, WILL offend someone deeply and they will DO something about it!!

I fear that soon each country in the world will be like Iraq! Every kid, in school will NEED a gun, or die! All over the world!

where oh where is "synthesis"?! Where is the Understandings, that has it where a person can back off from Identification with what they are involved with?!

Yes, America is "oppressive' in Iraq...Did you read what the British did to 1840-1948 India? What the Japanese did to Chinese women? What the 50,000 American runaways kids endure with the sex slave trade, bad enough that there is a sex trade but much WORSE that men go for it!! That is...If you arrested the gangs that are behind it, why other gangs will spring up to sell it, as there is a very very very great need, for many men to 'child sex" and sex with runaway sex slaves, apparently!!
---but would I want to live under a "puitanical"
Christian or Muslim law system?!!
the Extreme of something is just the mirror image of what is extremed from?!

what is probably needed is to have everyone live Honestly, with their own Souls, knowing that there is an afterlife! Peck wrote, in the book, "people of the Lie"...."First you lie to yourself, then it becomes easy to lie to others". comparmentilazation occurs, in one's soul, over the lies.
----and would I want to go back to, say, "1700" frontier days? Women cook and clean and stay home and die worn out at 30, men, each person, has at least
ONE intestinal parasite species!!
no no no!
*this* is the Golden age, but you have to Live it by your own choice!
life IS a RPG game and there are precious few walkthoughs for it! You create your character, and now there are no "trainers", no "cheat programs", called "THE ONE TRUE WAY TO LIVE"!
you have to truly do it all yourself, grow your soul yourself, and as that guard says in Sedya neen, in Morrowind...


so life is a role playing game. Near-infinite options, but most people just choose one or three!

why NOT see what the Klu Klux Klan has to offer and to find the Richness of some of their truths, discarding what is offensive?
same with Mohammad! Does not anyone sense the Intelligence of the face and of the eyes of
Ben laben?
--I wonder what he thinks...Maybe there are things, in his soul, that I could use, in my life?

gayness? What truths lie there?!
the First Baptist church?? Same there!

I am 62 and live in a "senior residence" but I listen to Modern Rock, play neverwinter nights, and Buldur's gate...And read the writings of Sathya sai baba! But I "understand" some of the fellow residence people, like of that man who now is 80+, who flew over Germany, in ww II, as a fighter bomber, dropping bombs...and the "Conservative" mindsets, of many of the residents, *and* of how a few of the visitors, who are younger, rant against these mindsets, as these visitors are "very very Liberal". Some rant SO hatefully, against the older conservative ways of life, that I see that these liberal lefties are *just* as onesided as the extreme right people.

one thing I saw right away, in college, years ago...As I visited the clubs of the extreme socialists and of the extreme John Birch right students groups...


life was SO serious!!

old souls laugh a lot!

end of rant!


Saturday, April 10, 2004

Tallahassee. The Heart of the South. For years and years, they did never celebrate
the may 30th memorial day, at all, as they celebrated *the* memorial day for war vets...

the confederate memorial day!

[---when that Senator spoke, in the hall, and he says...."The United state has never had a war on it's own lands"...There was Polite Coughing from people in the audience, recalling Sherman's march across Georgia, burning and pillaging!!!]

these people, in the photo...
Report From Tallahassee: Victory for the FL Sons of Confederate Veterans
Reported by Sally Ellen - 04.01.01

Judge denies SCV bid to march in
Springtime Tallahassee parade

... but they were there anyway
Related Story Here
I was there in Tallahassee for this... and it was a wonderful day. I would say over 90 percent of the participants in this parade as they came by, were waving at us, giving us thumbs up, blowing their horns. Many picked up flags and proceeded in the parade with them. The judges (across the street), were so frustrated that they finally had an officer get in the middle of the street and try to make everyone look to toward them and the cameras stationed there. The officer had little luck... most of the people did not seem to even see him there. I believe he finally gave up.

If you were not there... you really missed it. I am sure there will be another chance. We showed these people, we are good upstanding (nonviolent) people. We only want to honor our heritage in the so called "Land of the Free".

Commander John Adams letter is below and will give you more information.


Ladies & Gentlemen,

As many of you may now know, a Federal Magistrate denied our request for
an injunction to force Springtime Tallahassee to allow us to march in the
parade. This is only round one, and I expect many things to come to light
as the suit proceeds. The very fact that the City provided over $46,000
for this parade may yet be their undoing.
Our March 31, the Florida Division, SCV came of age, and proved to the world
that its members WILL NOT continue to be abused, maligned, or denied their
rightful place in society. To my dear friends who endured the long trip
to Tallahassee, I will forever be in your debt. I was never so proud and so
pleased to see so many faces in attendance. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF

Friends, over 150 of your brothers and sisters came to Tallahassee and
filled a city block with Flags of the Confederacy. Probably half were in
uniform, and everyone had a great time. Morale and camaraderie is at an
all time high. Add to our numbers the fact that we gave away OVER 400 12" x
18" Battleflags to the Tallahassee General Public!!! These additional,
(and unexpected) supporters accomplished several things:

the south was invaded.
*NOT* political correct, now, to Honor this!!
the sons and daughters of the confederacy were not permitted to march in the annual
parade. tis the Liberal 'thing" to put down all things "confederate"!

Ask the Indians about "invasion"!!
Ask the Iraq people, too!!

DISTURBING article in the Psychology today magazine, of this month about "bullies"!
they find that bullies are *NOT* the "feel bad about themselves kids"!! Bullies are the most popular and the strongest and the "best" kids, in the school!!
Moral: "The Weak Must be Eliminated"...The Law of Genetics, must not pass those genes onwards, so that the weak must be culled!
Bullies make sure that the weak give up.....

you might be happy to read this if you are on the winning side, but if you are a
[fill in the blank] ...Then you Lose!

as each of us can claim to be "oppressed" in some way, by "someone/something", each of us surely OPPRESSES someone else!!

trick of life, as I see it, is to find the best in *any* way of life and celebrate and Treasure this "best", and make it part of one's soul...*if* you can stand the catcalls from the Bleachers, as surely someone will be offended!
whether of the Old South.....The Iraqian people/Muslin.....Blacks...skinheads....meateaters....vegans: each and all have Something of value!!

Friday, April 09, 2004

---astral traveling we shall go..........

An Interesting night of astral traveling to ?????? Some place!!

I "awoke' to see me flying through the air, across the landscape, with about ten other people! Seemed to be flying along at about 80 miles an hour, all of us. Each person seemed to look like they were about ten years old.
[astral body is ten years old-looking, even if the person might be 60 years old: each person was about three foot tall]
Everyone flew, parallel to the ground, across a green-field landscape, along a road, but about ten feet off of the ground.
Off in the distance, I could see another road, but this 'road" was a ribbon of sorts, that was about 100 feet in the air and I could see "beings" on it. "beings"....As they were not of the human race!! They were walking along this off-the-ground road, in single file, maybe 100 or more, of these entities. They were walking in the same direction as we were.
they appeared to look of a yellow skin, and near-naked.
[I could dimly see that their faces were "human-like". Imagine a "human being "....But a human that came from not
"monkeys"...But from another animal species, and a species from another planet entirely!]
yes.... race of sentinent beings from a planet from another solar system!

There seemed to be a "guide" of sorts, for me, as I now heard someone speaking to me. This Speaker told me about the vast open empty field that we all were now approaching: the speaker was telling about the Race of beings from another Vibration and another planet, who were gathering here, and that they would be invisible to us all....
[yet a third race...Not of the yellow-skinned race that was on the Road!]

an empty field, but I could dimly see vague "ghost-like" forms.

I passed over this field.....Later,in this poorly remembered dream, I entered a building.

[endless problems with dreams like of these....Often there are "dropouts", where only bits and pieces of the dream are remembered upon awakening, rendering much of the interpretations, of these astral dreams, to be worthless!!]

---some "master" figure talked to me and showed to me a strange-looking pile of what looked to be sheets of wood. They looked to be like of SHINGLES. There was a name of a person on each shingle. The Talker told me that each shingle had a Name of a person who "instigated the beginnings of the idea of "Peace" on earth, peace as an option to war---beginning in the late 1930s". He then showed to me, shingle by shingle, apparently in time-order, these "cards".
On each was a person's name, and, no, I cannot recall who they were!! I dimly recognized the names...names of writers
and Politicians...People who spread the idea that there are Alternatives to war. One name per card.
Somewheres near the early 1950s, something S_T_R_A_N_G_E began to appear on each card, along with the name of the Peacemaker: another name superimposed over and on the card, over the person's name, another name that was dimly inscribed as to not overwhelm, in black-ink-color, the name of the person of the card. But this "overshadowing' name was the same name for each card!! As IF some person, incarnate or *not* incarnate, on earth, somehow "inspired" and influenced each and every peacemaker, after about 1950!!

----then yet to go see yet a THIRD place where there was a different race from another Vibration, or another planet, had gathered!

why the "meetings" of the races?????
what Convocation??
Who inspired all the peacemakers????

How little the Intellectuals know, about Reality

Thursday, April 08, 2004

---political rant of the Moment:

...."Bush went into Iraq to dispose of a regime.

a regime will be disposed of......


-----through the Process of Voting him and the Republican party out of office!

well, I have my "afterlife files" site "made more pretty", now.
Be easier to read what dreams I have written up, now.....


"I have *very* strange dreams: at least three times a week, I am taken by guides to experience places in the Spirit, afterlife, worlds!! I have even talked two-way conversations with most of my "deceased" relatives, there!
From these dream experiences I have learned much about
how to live in *this* earthly
life: even more
than having these dreams prepare me for heaven!"

these are some of my writeups for some of my astral travel dreams into the Spirit, afterlife, worlds!

*not* your "standard Christian heavenworlds" either!! Yes, some of these places are not nice, either!
I learned more about living here in the world, from these Visions....

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

OH what a computer drag that hour was, yesterday!!

Some lady, at the Georgia belle senior towers, wanted me to help her get a free email box at Yahoo, through the internet computer, in the computer room, there. She wanted me to sit with her to help her sign up.

oooooh boy!
total utter "newbie", she was!
she admitted to me that she was "kinetic", that is...She could not understand any verbal descriptions, she has to actually do it, before it sinks in!

she could not even click the mouse on a link or on a program, utterly utterly too much for he to do!

I had to walk her through *each* tiny step, with infinite patience on my part, which I fear that I failed miserably on!
she wrote down each step, I just know that when she goes to get the letters from her relatives, she will not be able to do anything, even the very first thing!
I really really "need" to do it all for her, each and every time!!

Score ONE POINT for our collective shadow enemy, the enemy who has the greatest advice for us, as that is the Saying..."Listen to your enemies, they will tell you truth about your shadow, a truth that your friends will never tell you"!

----"a woman's place is in the Home, caring for the children and her husband"!
I have seen many older women who are utterly at sea and rudderless, sail-less, wheel-less!
their husband has died, they have no one to tell them what to order, in the cafeteria line, they have to now choose and they have no way to do that! What they want is to have a strong trusted man tell them what is good to eat!
These women have spent all of their lives with FEELINGS, never developing their minds and that actually they are not supposed to have a mind as they are there to
LOVE, and to be loved!
love their family, love their husbands and children, the social connection is all....

coffee gotta have a cup around it, these women are utterly coffee.

ah..."New age ladies" who read this..Are you disturbed by what I say?
my take is....This:
If a soul is not more advanced then the archetypes and stereotypes, that are around them, in their culture, and from their childhood...They will only
these stereotypes, archetypes!
--as they cannot rise above them. Thus many women cannot Stand Alone, like coffee cannot just sit there, in a
pile, in your table, without that cup to contain it!!

men too, have their Shadow: they cannot LOVE, cannot
all coffee cup and only dust at the bottom of it!

we should Listen to what the Muslim extremists have to tell us all, about ourselves, in the West!!

Monday, April 05, 2004

Hello Blog Search Engine Members,

Daniel Jorg, a student from Switzerland, has put
together an excellent survey for bloggers and blog readers
which should lead to some excellent research results.

Please take the blog survey here:

And please blog about it or link to it on your blog,
such a study is quite important to blogging and


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