......also some Journalings about my psychic experiences.
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my life after Near Death Experiences: 12/01/2002 - 12/31/2002
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Tuesday, December 31, 2002


yesterday i sat down at the table in my trailer living room with a large, new, empty, journal. i began to write a bit in it...some of my dreams and a few comments about my "one year to live"

poignet actions. i live alone in a rented housetrailer that is owned by my good friend of some 20 years. If i were to die, he or my cousin "joe" would probably be the person[s] to have to come to my trailer to deal with my personal belongings.

he would find my dreamjournal, of course.

here are two friends that i might never never breath a single word to, about my "one year to live"!! i have not said anything...to my tallahassee friend as he has a life with five kids and an old father and all of that...

so he or joe or my aunt....

So i am a bit "forced' to write this journal With An Audience In Mind!!
he does not really belive in "fate". i have *tried8 to tell him that free will is the cornerstone of the universe but that for some people, their free action choices were made BEFORE they were born, by their
oversoul, and once incarnated, they cannot reach that "button" now, as it is in spirt...thus they see it as "fate"
why would i want to change my fate unless i knew *ALL*of the particulars about this choice and the ramifications of what i choose and much of the interwoven stuff about my death is probably IN spirit world so to "tinker" with an extension would not be wise!

the hanged man. living, i am, with my feet in heaven reality, not on the earth. thus i see earth utterly differently, after all of my psychic and Spirit experiences!! NO ONE would probably accept all that i have seen...

why...just that vision i had about how our
CONSUMERISM, our being obsessed with material consumptions...

IS MANDATED BY SPIRIT....set up by spirit...

would make all the new agers turn away from me!!
they are clueless, these new agers, that life is a school and *would*
these new agers want 5 colors of crayons...or 100 colors of crayons, in their "soul-art class 101", in the high school of life?!
each "object' that we buy is a potential for us to grow our souls with...IF we can use it to Imaginative purposes!

ramble...ramble...time to sign off!

Monday, December 30, 2002

well my autism more or less strikes yet again!

i have gotten some flack about what i wrote yesterday, about the South...bias and bigotry...and the hamburger! I seem to always be surprised when i get this flack, from the RACISTS! i define a "racist"
as someone who is obsessed with race *as* something to defend or is important! a race, as i see it, is only a group of people where souls from other races incarnate into! thus people who devote so much energy to hitting upon all "put-downers" of their race...why they are more interested in the classroom walls than they are of what is taught there!
the american indians...one spirit guide wrote....that currant race is largely made up, now, of souls from the white race, especially those who had some Relations, good or bad, with the Indians, while they were alive. thus they chose the Indians race, this time around, so to Use this race to Learn some lesson, in this lifetime.
many 1600s to 1900s Indians are now incarnated into the white race.....
....so this guide writes.

yes, i see people, who has become a "heat-seeking missile", looking at *everything* for some slight slight putdown of his race, going to "flame mode" back to the writer or speaker, to "raise the counsciousness" of that biased person....why i see these people as being "racist" as probably "race" is all that they think about all day, all year, long!
---they kicked the tar baby *real hard*!!

well there is about six months left, to my earthly life, assuming my Guru-vision giving of that "one year' is true and not to be Overwritten by Spirit.
In my weblog/journal future writings, i ponder a bit about how i shall write, in the next six or so months. My autism makes it hard to write clearly and i do best if i describe literal, physical things! objects and events and images.
alas.....each and every thing that i see is loaded oh so so loaded with bias and bigotry! must be......cannot be otherwise, thus i will step on someone's toes with each post, in the future.

just how, for instance, can i enter a donut shop and choose, or even LOOK, at a donut that is of one kind?! my liking of a cherry donut, is only a personal bias, and what about that chocolate donut next to it?!! i put it down, just by "denial" if i choose cherry, then i reject everything around it. life if choice and choice is bias! any choice. every choice. then the bigotry comes in.....if i say that the "cherry donut is a better donut and you better try it"!

maybe these liberal leftests see only "grey" in their visual seeings.
then they are blind! to see one thing...is to isolate that thing from its "surround"! all the colors together is "grey".
even if someone were to have *this* philosophy.....*that* philosophy would still, in and of itself, is a biased philosophy as it is set off against all the other philosophies that exist! if it exists....then what about all the others?! even the person with NO philosophy, HAS one...a philosophy of "no philosophy"!

probably in a certain egroups mailing list, i will CEASE to post anymore lettercopies of my Journal entries as this list always gives to me someone to reply that i am "biased"! i cannot help it, any thing that i see or think about is a "stereotype and a bias"! will be, must be....I cannot sit at *all* the tables at a coffee shop, at the same moment! I can only think one thought at a time. each thought infers a denial, a putdown, of all other possible thoughts.

welcome to the Dualistic world!

Saturday, December 28, 2002

"MSN "slate".......an article from David Gallagher...

he has a weblog

[GO TO THE MSN SITE TO SEE ALL OF THE LINKS TO ABOUT 20 PHOTOLOGS, that are buired in the article!!]

Picture Pages
Web sites for people who hate to read.
By David F. Gallagher
Posted Monday, November 18, 2002, at 9:00 AM PT

In the movie Smoke, Harvey Keitel's character takes a picture of his Brooklyn cigar store every morning, a routine he has followed for 11 years. The resulting albums, which he mostly keeps to himself, form a photographic record of small day-to-day differences over time. "It's just one little part of the world," he tells a friend, "but things happen there, too, just like everywhere else."

Harvey has lots of kindred souls on the Web. Across the Internet and around the world, people are working on similar never-ending photographic projects. They are making photologs, a kind of Web site that is a combination of photo gallery and visual diary. Photologs, also known as photoblogs, are similar in format to Weblogs, but they are built around regular photo updates instead of commentary and links. Unlike standard Weblogs, they have been largely ignored, perhaps because they make no claims to revolutionary status. But photologs are a powerful idea in their own right—they combine some of the best aspects of Weblogs, such as instantaneous self-publishing, with a big dose of visual stimuli. As the concept catches on and the tools for making photologs become easier to use, they might just become the standard format for presenting personal photos on the Web.

How is a photolog different from a plain old Web page? Many people who have digital cameras find themselves churning out a constant stream of images because it is fun, easy, and cheap to do. Photologs are built to handle that stream, with the newest photos right up front and older ones receding into the background. Traditional online photo galleries lack this chronological structure and can be harder to update. And like Weblogs, many photologs are updated every day, making individual photos less important than the regular flow of images.

Photologgers tend to take their cameras with them everywhere, and this pays off most often in New York City, arguably the photolog capital of the world. Many of the city's photologs carry on the tradition of street photography, chronicling small things noticed amid New York's constant visual flux. Quarlo.com, for example, documents lonely urban landscapes inhabited by shadowy figures. Todd Gross, the man behind Quarlo, is one of the few photologgers with the patience to shoot his pictures on film and then scan them. Sometimes he even adds soundtracks, but there are no captions. In a similarly minimalist New York vein are Rion.nu and Slower.net, which focus on the colors and textures of the city's streets.

Unlike Weblogs, photologs leap over language barriers, which is a helpful thing when global log-hopping. The Beijing teenager behind Ziboy.com doesn't put captions on his photos in any language, but the faces in his shots say plenty without them. Fotodiario is a simple site that offers enigmatic glimpses of one man's life in São Paulo, Brazil.

In contrast to these mostly wordless sites, there is plenty of writing on Hunkabutta.com, a photolog by a Canadian expatriate in Tokyo named Mike Clarke. He specializes in surreptitious portraits of city dwellers and explorations of Japanese cultural quirks in journal-style entries.

All of the sites mentioned here have a certain aesthetic self-consciousness about them, but there are plenty of less artsy photologs whose creators are not much interested in attracting a global following. College kids and parents, for example, use them as a place for friends and family to check out their latest doings or their newest baby photos. As is the case with Weblogs, most of these sites will be of interest to only a few people. They document a very small part of the world—but things happen there, too, just like everywhere else.

Related on the WebMaking a photolog is more complicated than setting up a standard Weblog, although a free service called Fotolog.net is a simple way to get started with a basic site. Finding photologs is largely a matter of following links from one site to another. Photoblogs.org makes a good jumping-off point.

GO TO THE MSN SITE TO SEE ALL OF THE LINKS TO ABOUT 20 PHOTOLOGS, that are buired in the article!!


I was in Publux supermarket yesterday and i heard something there that AMAZED me! there were two girls at the checkout line, the cashier and a friend of hers. they were talking....no one else was around being so quiet and slow, just after xmas. the two, maybe 20 year old, girls were laughing and talking about xmas and new years, and one of the girls was laughing about how she was going to do something on new years eve...THURSDAY! "maybe it is wednesday, not thursday...new year's eve...i just doooont keep track of days..i do not even know what day xmas is"!

a nearby "entire town school system" got a "D" rating, from a state that ranks....florida does...ranks, someone told me..."number 38" on the list for Quality of education!!
---this is a city, tallahassee, where i heard one man infer that he did not know his left from his right, hand! several years ago, i met a donut shop server that gave me a plain donut when i asked for "chocolate"...she told me afterwards that she did not know that chocolate was dark colored!!

the University Intellectuals, here at FSU, and "mind-driven northerners", who move here, constantly put down the "redneck stupid southerners"!

I noted that these two girls, in the grocery, were laughing and really really happy. They were filled with happyness and Love, love toward each other and to life in general.
which would i want if i had to choose between: a lady who is smart but has no feelings and no love for anything....or...a lady with a deep feeling for life and Love for me and for all of life?!!

My perception about "Bias and Bigotry" is that the most Biased of all people are the Mind-centered northern Intellectuals....as they consider the mind to be *THE* measure of what a person should strive for. mind only! no music...poetry...Kinetic motion movement
strengths [ read: "sports", like basketball!]...arts...Devotional singing...etc..etc.
they would turn the Hispanic and the blacks into "North European White-ies", without permitting the Strengths of the races and racial subgroup peoples to even BE, let alone to grow!!
talk about Bias!!

someone told me once about how the North and the South differ,
in America! he told a story.....

"Go into a hambuger stand, in the north, and walk up, during a busy time of day and order....order a *very* complicated hamburger, a hamburger that has to be made up special and have hardly *any* of your wanted ingredients on the normal menu. like, perhaps....a bit of lettuce with some ice-cream mix with double ketchup with cheese and a scrambled egg too! the server, a middleaged lady who looks like a old stern "schoolmarm"...gives to you a dirty look, as her
routines *is* interrupted...she scowls and gives the order to the kitchen. when the burger comes out, she hurls it onto the counter in fron of you, the dish clatters across the counter loudly loudly so that everyone can hear it and it is *if* the air has suddenly cooled to 38 degrees: she stares at you with a frowny stone cold silence frostedly.....

the south.
same hambergery type of place, same time of day. you explain the order to the two servers, young girls in their early 20s. your first get a "Duh" or a "say what?"...you try again. and again. they finally get it and they laugh and laugh..."we all never seee anything like *thaaat*!". laugh. smile...you just gotta smile and laugh too, as the order goes into the kitchen and you can see the cook laugh too.
when it finally comes out, maybe six employees will have had their day made, in laughter, by your order. you end up talking to several
people behind you in line too, maybe even sit down with one of them afterwards, to eat together and to continue an Interesting Conversation started during the long hamberger-making process!
Soon, the Hamburger comes out and is set before you, by a wonderfully happy smiling young lady.

But it will NOT be what you ordered! it will be "wrong" in some way!
As you accept what they tried to make for you, you may even find that their mistake made a BETTER BURGER than what you would have gotten if it were done right, to your specifications!!!"

which burgerplace do YOU want to go to?

Thursday, December 26, 2002


---the photo on the front page of the new York Times, showed about four soggy inches of trafficed snow, on times square[?]
the caption read....

"be carefull what you wish for"!!

I was a meteorology student in college at FSU....WEATHER!
On about a couple of days before xmas of 1974, the ground in my hometown, where i was, was bare. usually there is snow on the ground by then...all the kids in town were lamenting about the non-white xmas to come. i saw the weather map on tv, on xmas eve...no chance of snow, they said.
but I SAW...on the map, a strange little pertibation in the jet stream over Ohio! a little "kink" that sometimes bcomes a low pressure center.
about 8 pm, on this xmas eve...snow began to fall, and christmas morning saw about six inches of soft wet snow on the ground and all over the tree limbs in the very very BEST "new england fashion"!

I KNEW, then, that the collective thought forms of all of 20 million kids and adults INVOKED this snow!
Christmas would not be christmas without snow....everyone just knows that, especially if they are TUETONIC in background or of eastern european background! or from the northeast!

so i see that this storm brought up to 30 INCHES of snow to some places, and places that are the "heartland" of christmas...the northest and the middle atlantic states.
no matter how much trouble this snow caused...no matter how many flights were canceled...Christmas *must* be white and the weather Responded to the collective Will!!

---as my theroy goes....our weather is *not* independant of the people under and in it....we affect the weather by our thoughts and feelings, in addition to the usual culprits of global warmings...etc...etc.

be carefull what you wish for...Real Magik!!

Tuesday, December 24, 2002


I entered the University library sharply at 8 am, this day-before-Xmas morning. i just came from the Macdonalds across the street; morning coffee, and by now the library had just opened. In the lobby, i met an aquaintance of mine, he grumbled mightedly about how on Christmas day he will be bored and he will be down and depressed, everything closed and the "city TOO quiet"!
---I can see somewhat his point! he is an intelligent India man who is stuck on the bridge between two cultures and cannot claim "insider-ness" to either...and his tolerence for *any* way of life having to do with religion is ZERO!
...he is single at 45 years of age...in *any* culture on christmas time, single and family people are "severly" judged as "lacking"

but i thought of my hospital stay of about 20 days, back in 1993!
I nearly died, they took over 9 llbs of pus-crud out of the side of my chest! weighed about 118, at 6' 2" tall....when i got out.

On the first day or so, of these 20 days....I dimly remembered a phrase that i had read, jusr recently, before my sickness...a phrase about "healing", that i read in some medical writings.
This article wrote about the modern concept of the "healing team"
that is of modern medicine.....where there might be 30 or more people involved with a patient's stay in the hospital. There are the X-ray technicians and Interpeters...the nurses, the primary and secondary doctors....there are the cooks and food-servers....on and on....
This article then stressed that ONESELF must be part of this Team, too!! That you, yourself, must take an active part in your own healings!
So as i spent my 20 days there in the Ithaca hospital....i noted several things.....
----- On the second day, my new nurse came into the room and noted that the rising sun beamed into that east window and thus she went over to draw the blinds. i asked her not to, telling her that a bit of sun each and every day would be GOOD for my own healings: upstate new york gets so so little that i would need all the sun that i could get!
----I asked SPECIFICLY for "no flowers" I used to work selling Carnations and cut flowers and i knew the chemicals that were sprayed upon them! sure enough, that second day, a nurse brought in a huge bouqet of carnations, from my aunt. the nurse's
nose was running: she apologized for the running nose as she set the flowers down. i then told her..."NO!! take the flowers O-U-T!! maybe the front desk would love them; and your nose is running because you have the carnations with you"! she did so....not only did MY nose feel better, that nure's nose never ran again!
[and i had a lung condition....flowers?!]
yes *most* people would have suffered in silence as the gift, itself, would be so so honored that "in the name of socialness", the allergy reaction would have to be endured, for the Aunt's sake, as she Cared!! NO! I come first, not my aunt.. and in that very very small Isolation ward room, those flowers would have been Much More than "too much"...for my dangerious Empyma condition to bear! [ i got that condition from formydyhyde fumes!!]
Point is...I chose to make a difference, here.
---- one more example...one day, about the third day, my lunch came on the tray. food was faily good, at this hospital, but they often served a "cassarole" or a 'stew", as the main course, a serving of stuff with about one tiny hunk of meat in it. I wrote on the menu-preference-for-the-next-days-meal, sheet, that somthing must be done about this as i needed a very very high protein diet by doctor's orders!
so their dietician came up to see me and an understanding was made where the kitchen would substitute a large hamburger for me, anytime that they would be serving such a meal as "meatless"
stuff! yes, a two inch thick real real hamburger. i had it about once every three days, for lunch!

well, the point is, from all this, is that I took an active part in my own healings and welfare!
And, now, today...I like that phrase, and try to apply it to all of life....
"one should take an active part in one's own life"!

do not let the sauce of something like of "Television", pour over you as you just sit there before that tv! DO something: stand back in creative magic awakeness and "think out of that box" to create your own reality!!

thus this depressed guy could CREATE something for his Christmas. even if it is only a long walk, or maybe if it rains all day, he could write letters to people, listen to music, read something, or go visit with everyone that he knows that is home!
[he does not believe in computers!] In other words, he could "take charge" of Christmas day, and use it FOR something , instead of just letting the "reality" of...."I am alone and i am bored with everything closed"...be the Ruling condition that is the "given" for that day!

Monday, December 23, 2002

oh the city is quiet after all the students leave.

a good time to walk in peace and walk in Meditation, about how that Vision, last may, gives me that year to live!
---least that is what it was, a India master reads my liferecords *before* i was born, read them years ago, apparently!
these "records' must the be Intent of my incarnational plan....

probably this is what my mother also saw, as she, Dream tells me, she was my mother in my past life too.....in India!
same master or another master, as her master would have seen her records perhaps from 1900 or 1904.
but the same soul-group!

in THEORY, i might have the power to change this death-date! or at least pray about it....in theory as this date could have been set, back there in "1938", before i was born-----but NOW, today, there might have been changes, thus i could change it, through prayer.

but i would have to know WHY....why was it set up then?!!
better not to Tinker, even if i could...so my prayer *must* be..."do what is right Lord"...."do what benefits the most people in the most way...including myself"!!

Friday, December 20, 2002

there is a scientic article that *really really* impresses me!!

The article about "dark matter"!
the science people are finding that the Galaxies are receeding at ever a faster rate, than they thought, and that eventually the galaxies will expand apart from each other so that each will be alone, with all the stars burned out from old age.
Dark matter is ever increasing, causing the Mass that is accelerating all of the galaxies...no one knows what this matter is, as it is invisible and only-recently been Detectable and Proven to exist!

I was even the MORE impressed by what a Spirit guide or a Psychic wrote about this dark matter!
----"the Universe is transforming, from matter to dark matter, and this dark matter is the Spirit-world! soon, all of existance will be nothing BUT this dark matter, transformed via the counsciousness of all the entities of all the inhabited planets in all the galaxies!"

To me, the idea of the "heat death of the universe" is FALSE! this dark matter is made up of all the "material" of all the "physical scenery" of the heavenworlds! millions and billions of heavenrealms, created by the residents, who died, from the planets thoughout the Universe!

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

my profound insight gotten from Dicken's "Christmas Carols"!

yes from Dicken's tale of Scrooge and the Clerk and [?]Hackett, the crippled kid, that son of the clerk who had one leg and a wooden leg. As i recall from my childhood tv watchings, the ghost of Christmas future took scrooge to see the living room, in the near future, of this clerk and the Boy. Scrooge was shown an empty room with the wooden leg hung up on the mantle, the boy is not there. This was after scrooge was shown his own tombstone, in the graveyard: inference....is not good folks! Hackett is dead and dead because of the way that Scrooge treated his clerk father, probably the boy got sick and died!
Scrooge repented! he gave everyone around him a merry Christmas and gave the clerk a big pay bonus and a raise and brought a turkey and great cheer to the clerk and his family. As i recall, near the end of the film, Scrooge went to see that clerk's family again and to see that wooden leg on the mantle, hung up, as hackett was sent off to a special London school for crippled kids, for Apprentice Trainings and a better leg!

BUT IT WAS THE SAME SCENE!! the visual prophecy was utterly correct: leg on mantle, but the *reason* it was there was utterly different, due to Scrooge making a change. scrooge's raise made it possible for this boy to go off to school, but the leg was still hung up in the same position. Moral: a prophecy can be given showing a scene. but their might be four ways to GET to that scene, same end-scene for *each* path, but the meaning of the scene would reflect the path chosen. *that* is where the "free will" would enter into play!

from my own life's prophecy...
on december 4th of 2000, i had a visiondream where i was shown scenes from my Very First "hours" in heaven, after i die and arrive there!!
---the Greeter.
---the Welcome, by him.
--being told that my sister, who died in 1986, had gone on to a higher heaven and that her house, there, in this lower, first arrivee, heaven, was now occupied by another incoming spirit.
---being shown my OWN cabin, a cabin that a spirit left behind as it went higher, in Progressions. left to me, Assigned to me. There it was, a simple Mountain cabin with my name on a signboard...
..."freestone"! there were two numbers beside this sign.
120 420
*one* interpetation: 12 4 20 ....dec 4 2000

this Guide then told me....."this cabin is *right* on the very edge of heaven, *right* next to where the incoming souls enter, from the Earthsphere, after they die"!
[I had one other dream, weeks later, that showed to me that this entery point is only where good souls pass onwards up the hill, from the Gate, but that there are a *lot* of souls here that live right next to this gate, in a city-type of community: they are too "undelveloped or dysfuntional" to go higher. in life they were the "negative" people who had no spirit life. the air was dull grey, in perpetual fog...the "sun" only shines on the pleateu above! the people all were depressed and "grey". mostly they sat around and mopely hung thier heads in a depressed dull funk! or redlike bitter rage!

I did not "like" that "prophecy" that i would live literally *right* next to this gate, as close as possible to it and still be in the heaven!!
surely i was not *that* earthbound in thinkings, in 2000!!

but today i see this "edge of heaven" in another light!!
According to the "Teachings" of the Dicken's Carols, above,... this cabin and its nearness to the edge of heaven is like that wooden leg on the mantle. an "end-state' gotten to by several POSSIBLE means.

maybe it is up to me which Meaning i choose to put to this cabin!
Up to me which meaning that this cabin will have.

my Choice, right this minute??
well, i could be a Greeter, or a healer, to other incoming souls!
I could go to heavenschool, after i get there, and Learn How to do this. surely the POOR, in heaven, will need this "greetings"!
they will need all the help that they can get!
[the poor? they would be the people who spent all their lives focused on Materialism-as-an-end in itself, not as-a-means to grow their souls! thus they could well arrive with NO "spiritual soul-possessions: Poor!]
Thus i would "live" in that cabin and for a long long time, but as a healer/counselor/guider...much like that greeter who greeted me!
same cabin, same scene, same place, as foreseen in 2000.

I suppose this "lesson" of "Hackett-leg" could be applied to *any* prophecy: personal or earthchangely collective!
i e..."California breaking off the mainland and falling into the sea", foreseen by Cayce!
1.....California is Judged and a great earthquake tears it away from the mainland and it sinks.
2...California people Overcome some "condition" that leads to this "judgement" and thus GRACE is applied. Thus in a million years the Continental Drift tears the california away and it sinks beneath the ocean at 1/4 inch per century! but as time does not exist, from the vantagepoint of spirit, as it is seen from here, Cayce's Seeings would be TRUE, but arriving from a different path, than from a "sodom and Gorromorra" Judgemental process of spirit!

merry Christmas....freestone

Monday, December 16, 2002

tis amazing what stories lie just beneath a surface of an "ordinary" encounter!!
---one of the Lessons that i have learned from playing computer
role playing games!-----

In this same macdonalds where i overheard the jail talk[ previous post], i was standing in line to order my coffee.

This was Saturaday, the day after the last exam. there is a college Motel just across the street, and behind me, in line, were several people from that motel.
three of them.
all of one family.....father, mother, and son.
father was dressed up to the max, and even he muttered to me as i looked at him..."betcha you dont see ME in a suit but three times in a year"...or something like that.
Son was suited too.

Suddenly i realized that this saturday was graduation, for some of the Semester people, and the son was graduating.
father was a "working man", i guessed. mother was dressed up too. their accents placed them all in "south florida". tallahassee, the home of FSU, is hundreds of miles from their home.

I was struck, as i waited to order, as i listened and watched them....i was struck by the SULLENness of the son! i would niavely assume that the son was to be happy *at* his graduation....he even looked a bit "old", like it was for a Master's that he was getting, not his batchelor's.
never smiled....never laughed.

I pondered a moment at my table, paper and coffee in hand, before
reading...."why was he not overjoyed?"!!
probably some Family Dynamics that i could never solve....

I could visualize them all, the three of them, in a kind of "time demensional matrix" where there is a "depth" of time going backwards from "now".....in this "space" their would be Conflicts...sya like the father was a guarge mechanic and wanted son to become one himself, but the son wants to be a History professor instead!
---or maybe the son has a degree in business administation where he wants to manage a resturant....here son OVERSHADOWS the father, in Achievements!
---or maybe the son got his Degree through family pressure and they see "success" but he sees "failure" as he wanted to play music in a band but father wanted him to become a Degreed and Certified professional man! he had to bow to family pressure and the family has also hiw wife-to-be already picked out and Arranged for him!!
? ? ?

I read the paper and left the thoughts...as there were no way ever to reality-check!

but hey!
I realized, yet again, how even the most "mundane" of everyday
events have layers and layers of interwoven unknowns hidden away! neat, for me, to try to find some of them, *without* just projecting my own bias into what i see!
*that* is a Lesson
of learning in and of itself: trying to See without projecting
my bias-assumptions into what i observe!

Saturday, December 14, 2002

macdonalds at 7 am.
at the table drinking my coffee, there were two men sitting at another table nearby and i Listened.
I only heard some of the conversation, mostly from just one man telling the other about his life.

seems that he just got out of jail. not long ago. I Paid Attention, a bit!
I turned to look out of the corner of my eye, to see a older, maybe 35 year old man who looked "Intelligent"!
but what struck me was the "vibes" coming from his voice! everything that he said had the feeling of "jail" in it!
i do not mean that he talked about jail, so much ; i meant that there seemed to be a feeling about his soul that "jail" would be a natural outcome
of his livings!!
---a little like that Peanuts character "Pigpen" who radiated dirt where-ever he went.
thus this man radiated a life that probably he would BE jailed for, eventually!

---reminds me of other people who emit GOOD VIBES...a bit of "sun on a cloudy day"! people smile when these rare people come into the room, or into their lives!

a Spirit guide, speaking through a medium, said
once, i read....."the vibration of any one particular soul will be the Signiture of that soul throughout all the ascending heavens, as the soul Journies up to the Throne levels of the Celestial realms! And...that no two souls are alike; each soul has its own Vibrational Aura, and this Aura will remain for Eternity!"!

Friday, December 13, 2002


exams are nearly done with. at this university town....

peace perhaps.....Final Judgement is over, for the 35,000 students.

getting a new computer overhaul soon, *just* to play Morrowind!!
they tell me that this a huge huge game. 100 to 300 hours, they say. then there is the 40 hour expansion pak!
I very well could DIE before i finish!

ya know...i have maybe 30 unplayed games on the shelf, why do i play? spend mucho $$$$ for a new motherboard and vid card.
why why??

maybe it is something about the game, vivid graphics....but be anything you want to be...??

may be new years before i play though!

Thursday, December 12, 2002


---a next door aqaintance just came back to tallahassee from visiting his Mother, in St Luis, missurri. had not been there for two years. She is old. her health had gone down a lot in the two years and down a lot in just the last six months: that's why that visit.
while at the house, he opened the medicine cabenet door, over the bathroom sink, to shave one morning....and found to his SURPRISE about 60 bottles of medicine!
60 different KINDS of prescription drugs!
ooouch! wiiinch!

"--all Interacting with each other no doubt"...he thought!!
He was shocked that she took nearly all of them, in a week's time.

I thought about this, folks.....
I will have to tell him, when i see him the next time, that there is ANOTHER side of the situation!
....there is *always* another side of any situation, i find: that is what makes the difference between Pain and happyness, where *you* have to choose which side is the REAL side, of any situation!....

why...in, say, 1910, or even1961, she might be DEAD, if she did not have the pills. worse: she might be in *such* pain and sufferings, that life would be all of that and little else!
Too...these 60 kinds of pills could actually be what is keeping her from living in an "end-state" Nursing Home! now, with the "crutches" of these pills, she can live yet for awhile an independant life of her own and actually enjoy life. walk about...cook...eat...talk..think.
she could forgive one of her sons and learn to Love him.
she could grow her soul a bit more.
she could Accept death and Accept life, in her Life's
end's Reflections.....
....all due to 60 pills in a medicine cabinet!

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

---a post to a rpg computer game forum.

Hi xxxxx

I like your post reply to me! it is very very Intelligent and it helps this here newbie a LOT!! I have had a 333 pentium with a xentor 32 vid card and i SUPPOSE that i could have play MW but oh the slide show! do not even think of using mods or tribunal!
Finally...an upgrade to a 1.3 athlon with a gainward golden sample 450 vid card, is soon-to-be, *just* to play MW!

[i fear slightly the Shop will install the "very latest drivers", in spite of what i told them..."use the detonators 30.82". i read that the 40.72 was TERRIBLE! maybe if they end up installing the latest, it would be "41.xx" or later, and it might work, they being now certified! next week i might have this here new system!]

so i approach MW with a kind of awe and anticipation! and a slight fear of a letdown! i read how so many loved the game and yet others complained BITTERLY about the "empty npc dialogues" and the " graphics first, storyline last" mentality of bethsoft!!
---probably MW's review will reflect the character of the player
who reviews it: tells more about the player than the game!

I do not intend to use mods that add armor, add god-qualities to my character. i would want only mods that add yet more atmosphere to an already incredible-looking game!
----more npc dialogue
----maybe a house
----maybe the teleport ring
----maybe potions/scrolls.
----weathered or real signposts.

if tribunal is "only" 40 hours and MW is from 80 to 100 hours
and then i add yet more "quest mods" later, to add another 10 to 40 hours, and i play only 5 to 10 hours a week....lets see....that will be
I could DIE, at my 61 years of age, before i finish this here game!

lets NOT talk much about my VisionDream, where a Master told me that he read my life-records, in spirit, and he tells me that i have one year to live!!!! *that* was given to me on may 13th of 2002! less than six months away!
? ? ?
maybe MW is a warmup for the Ultimate Big Gameworld: HEAVEN!
when i arrive i intend to treat this here huge mod, to be lived like a first person RPG!!

and.....with my 1.3 system, there will be
ARX FATALIS.....DIVINE DIVINITY...GOTHIC 2....LORD OF THE RINGS [*if* they come out with a *good* version!!!]
and yet more...

yes, i am 61 and Play RPGs! i only use my computer for games...
never too too old for creative rpgs! never too too old for Imagination and Wonder. as long as an old tree spouts New Growth, it is alive and growing! i have seen very old men, they being only 50 years old!

If there are any more suggestions, from others, about how to play MW-TRIBUNAL....i will eagerly read.

but in the End, it must be MY game, played my way: not to choose a character *just* because some Guide says that this is "a super winner"!
a character i like.
probably a fighter at heart, but with a good mage ability, using maic mostly as a support backup, like of heal, teleport, levitate, cure...etc..etc...with maybe one or two "fireball-type" of spell, for those far off monsters!


Monday, December 09, 2002

I am now sitting in the University library: Judgement is soon very very soon!

oh yes..."caps" once caps is on, what can i do but leave caps on...i have a choice, a choice that AUTISM gives to me...pay attention to the keyboard, OR my ideas: not both at once!

a fulltime job just to keep track of my possessions as i walk about!
takes me up to ten minutes just to unstuff all my pockets when i get home, of the receits, the papers, the stuff stuff!

not bored!
i guess only boring people get bored!

a light insight!
"why do kids leave the lights on"?!!
yes kids and teens are yelled yelled at, all the time, as they go from room to room to garage, leaving the lights on, behind them: i have a threory about that! it is that they are just getting ready to LIVE and that turning out a light *is* equivilant to dying, of death, the symbol is...!! thus no light would be, ever SHOULD be, ever turned off!

i even go as far as this: that if you have a kid or a friend who begins to make a big deal about turning off not-used lights, he/she may be getting ready to die! either in the Timing where it IS His Time To Go, from spirit...or else..."suicidal or depressed"!!

Sunday, December 08, 2002


well well well.......a very interesting, if small, dream last night!

Seems that I had a long talk with a lady, and this dream had the definite feel of a Spirit place dream!
I sat in a room, talking to this lady, we talked about two things.

One: that the coming winter will be mild! she said that. she says it as if SHE KNEW! yes, as this was a Spirit dream, she did know!
[I am always interested in weather. I have felt that this here winter, in North America, would be very very severe. already, on the 8th of december, Baltimore had a low of 5 degrees!
But the New England people DO have a saying: "if a pond's ice can hold a man before xmas, it will not hold a mouse after"!
already winter is in full swing!]
so, as winter seems to be Here, in the eastern usa, she may be telling me otherwise, that the "real" winter will be mild! that, as "winter" is offically two weeks away, winter itself might be milder than things look now!

TWO: the second thing that she tells me that is to come is this....
That in the spring, people will be very very upset and agitated: there will be many many Demonstrations, maybe even riots!
she seemed to infer that the [?] american people will be very upset about something, or upset about their quality of life, after about the end of march; and thus before the middle of June! she did not say what this anger and agitation was about.
---end of dream. A talk with a Spirit guidelady who foresees the future.....

Thursday, December 05, 2002

"Evil" dream last night!

Oh these dreams, dreams where i go to places that may or may not be in the astral or lower heavens, or on earth. Here, in this dream, i followed the fate of one person through an Experience; perhaps to teach me something about life!

some nameless southern small city, i was "with" him for days. he was in the Thraos of finding that the city he was living in was EVIL! He spent much time wandering the streets all disturbed and i could see and sense NEGATIVITY springing up everywheres! he muttered over and over and over about how terrible it was to live here; he needed to move back North!
i could watch how he seemed to attract this negative people and terrible vibes to him. the angryer he got, the more disturbed he became, the more the evil seemed to increase. Soon, i could see shadowy forms of demons hover in the very air, attracted like of a moth to flames, *his* flames of negativity! A black hole sucking in matter and getting bigger and bigger so it sucked in even more badness, thus justifying his stance completely that "this city IS evil", and thus he got even more angry and thus even more of the
surroundings began to Come To Him, as "evil"!

feedback Loop...in music, the microphone vs the speakers...it goes till they HOWL!!
naturally he sees quite correctly in this, I could not doubt him a bit!
I wonder how this began?? i was not there to see that. probably just one small event started the "snowball rolling down the mountain" to cause this Avalance of evil!

he Probably had the mis-fortune to have had moved to a city that is "Psychic Amplifying" to *any* feeling or emotion: i have seen and i have lived in such cities myself! I live in one now: TALLAHASSEE! an exceedingly Dangerious place to live in, such a city, for many people; as *what* you feel, will draw to you, in everything around you, i have found...draw to you what you are...faster, quicker, and more powerfully.....than if you lived in a city or place where the vibes are "neutral"!
If one "had his/her act together: *what* a creative place this could be for one to live in!! why, to draw happiness and love and creatively joyfull people to you....why that would be like of a "heaven on earth", while living.....but you would have to Prime The Pump"! you would have to make the first effort, by sending out into the city, vibes of happyness and optimisms!

---yet another example of "True magik"!!

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