Friday, September 09, 2016

Talking too much?!

My last nights dream was not nice, though.  The nurse woke me up at the end of it, a not nice dream.

It was a play on my standard.....going back and forth, Interlaken, to Tallahassee....etc...etc...
Only this dream was where I returned from Tallahassee  and went to childhood home and found father living there alone. The house seemed also to be my aunt Betty,s house next door too, this brings a "spiritual" vector into the dream, objectively true, too, in some manner.
Father was out back chopping down dead trees into firewood.  All of the trees are dead.  The sky was dark gray, the atmosphere was oppressive.  The farmhouse felt like one of those horror stories you read of, a reclusive old man living in a run down farmhouse in poverty and filth. He lives alone, dies at 90 years old, then rhe relatives or the county find out how messy his house is!  
Filth, dirt, overflowing toilets, half eaten food sitting there for months .....

I wished I could just turn around and go back to Tallahassee!  Alas, I have now no money, having spent it all.  No money for gas, for rents.  I am stuck here.
Inside, father was baking some kind of black biscuits.  More like cakes.  Hundreds of them, in several pans.   As the nurse comes in, I resigned my self to helping him, gritty accepting my dreary future.....

After the nurse left, I lay back and dreamed a few more minutes.  Here now I was Told, Shown, by a faceless Someone, that I should take a pan of these cakes and go to the local school and go to the first grade and distribute them to the children in that first grade.  As this segment ends, I was doing just that. soul giving me a solution to my dream problem!

When i, went to breakfast, I came into somethings strange but very very telling.  I have trouble swallowing if I talk and eat.  Often I just want to sit there and think, not talk, while eating, or to enjoy my food, as it is food OR talk...or think!
  My 93 year old seatmate  , the only other person at my table so far, asked me if I were angry with him for some reason!  I  Then he have SUCH interesting stories and life experiences and while I have had these too, like of walking across part of Europe in ww ii, your tales and stories, of your life experiences, I find so interesting that I want to hear more and of late I have seen that you have stopped telling them to me and not talking with me!

I then told him about my chewing and swallowing problems and then I said...." You know, R....., in a way, I have had the distinct feeling, here at the health center, that as most people cannot respond to conversations, but that they can hear me, and that they want to pay attention to life and the living, that I really OUGHT to give hours of constant discourse, endless talking, even if about the weather, so to give Comfort to all of these wheelchair, often dementia, people!


So I told him some stories....I mentioned too how my talking often got me in trouble, like at Suannas mountain home, down the road a couple moved to a cabin on a mountain top and I would often see them at the store.  He fought her here from the big city.   I was told, just as I was packing up Suanna,s stuff to move, told that he really disliked me!  Why?  My talking to his wife, got her to pine for her urban days and now she wants to leave him to return to the big city.  He being a controlling type of man, I can sense trouble coming!

Ah, the dream!   The dreary house and surroundings is the health center, people's and the cakes are me bringing them to first grade as most residents here are in spiritual first grade.  

I guess I should talk more.....sigh...and maybe to begin to talk more like a preacher, a minister, that good old time religion.  That is ADVANCED STUFF , that fundamentalist religion!  It's way way way above most people,s spiritual development!     
Most people here cannot understand a thing, of course, often not their fault at all as the monkey on their backs, eating memory for food, the dementia  ....
Thus maybe just to .Talk.   Minutes upon minutes of just talking and maybe asking questions to get them to open up a bit to answer me.  

I am not good at giving discourses!

Some people have criticized me for talking too much!  I guess I really should talk far far more!  But more about the person that I am talking with!  But I can see this coming now...that I really "should" give discourses to all of the people waiting in line for mealtime, for instance, much like some India Guru giving discourse to his devotees!   They , here, tend to be lonely, and want stimulation and companionship, even if one sided.   Like that lady who cries like a baby, often, crying for her daughter to come to see her.  But she was just here yesterday!  Alas, five minutes after she left, the short term memory is now GONE!  Thus she never visits.  The only "solution" is to have that daughter be here with her every single second of every single hour, all day, week, months, long!

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