Tuesday, October 17, 2006

autism and my life


---a rant about my autism, to a support group.


hi all....I give to you jarl, permission to use this article in the newsletter if you wish to.

So here is ole freestone, just sitting down at the library computer.
Ihad just come from the Georgia belle apartments and for the unteenth time, when I talked to a Manager about something, i had the distinct feeling that he was talking to someone who was about 16 years old.
Suddenly I realized that nearly all older men and women seem to
act towards me in a *slightly* different way than someone, anyone, else!

I am not speaking so much that they detect that i have an autistic condition, it is of something else that is tied up with this condition and now i have a handle on what this is, everyone!!

It is as if they ARE acting towrds me as if i am about 16 or 18, even if the speakers are 30...50...70+ years old!
As if I am always to be about 16, to them.

then I realized that in my heart, I act as if they all were really a Mother or father to me, *everyone* that is about 10 years older than i, or even people who are younger than my 65 years!!
That is....it is as if my "self image" is stuck at 16 years old, and i subtlby emit a vibe that gives signals to everyone that I am not mature, not grown up. What is more important, is that my own IDEA, not
really at the surface, is that I act to most strangers of any age as if i were still about 15 years old!


ah Autism. the same reason as if i "get" someone's name wrong at the very first introduction! if i think the name is "lill", instead of "bill"! it will be "Lill" forever, even unto a heated argument as if will find out that i will DEFEND my calling him "Lill", as that is the very first data into my brain and it is there for keeps, thank you!
same with when I first got my 14 year old time period of "self indentity"! This identity will ALWAYS be 15 years old, and i can sense deeply that anything that i was interested in at age 6 is still right up there on the front lines of "now", today, this minute!

but it was a small revelation, people, to see this in action, thus to these men and women, they sense my "age" and thus take me as
seriously as they would a 14 year old. and treat me as such.

and...to me
adult = stop! fixitate. settle down. do not grow, do not imagine.

Thus here i am at retirement with no job hisory to speak of, no wife, no career, no children...etc...

I remenber in Barnes and Nobles as i stuck my finger into the coffee cup to get the last dregs of brown sugar, in the empty cup, a phd college professor was talking over at the window table and his voice "quivered" slightly as i then licked my finger to get the brown sugar into my mouth!
I guess i will never ever Arrive at the top of any NCO, officer, or
authority position, ever.

but i have all of the fun!