Monday, December 13, 2004

somewheres near Albany, ny.

I am going to write out all of my xmas cards with *this* letter in them.
so i post it here too, and wish to you all a merry xmas!


well this year, you all, i am going to do something with my xmas cards that i once gritted my teeth over...a "group letter"!
I write about like a drunken chick with ink on its feet walking over a sheet of paper, with this, you can actually READ my card!
As i type only 5wpm, i will do this just once so that i can actually write a GOOD soul-filled letter, instead of just thrashing out some quickprose for each and every single person, a quick scribble that says absolutely nothing at all! I will probably do this from now on.....
yes i live here at Goergia belle apts now, a kind of "senior home". tis nice. most of the days are warm and sunny and that is real important to me, as i feel depressed on cloudy days. tis not that i was so up north in the 200 cloudy days a year upstate new york as i was out in the countryside then. here i am in a city of 300,000 and there are so SO many depressed people on cloudy days that i pick that up!
soft breezes and blue skies and green vegetation. the first frost might be in a few days, the fall colors have just finished, a place where spring shakes hands with fall. Someday i might visit my aunt in upstate, but the Choice of traveling is so expensive these days that even by train it is $300-plus.

[I shudder to think about the "funeral notice" where it is supposed, by the relatives, that i am to come up immediately, within a day or two, for a funeral, like for one of my uncles. i checked then, and was told..."$1200 and you, mr wilson, must know that is for one way and it does not include taxes...baggage handling...fees...surchargeS"! {for a one day notice in 1999}] thus i will not ever come for funerals!! maybe not even for my own!]

yes, merry Christmas to my two aunts...and my friends who i also write to. In my young days, xmas lasted, after the xmas days, seemingly for weeks and weeks! there was our family tree. then the three day extravaganza of my mother's family, the Freestone's, next door. this package opening lasted for three or four days with a thangsgivingly dinner on the last day. one present at a time, delivered by me or sis taking turns: opening was watched by all with comments and comments, by the giver and the other relatives! thus one gift could really take as much as half an hour to open!!
there were at least six of us. from 9 am till 4 pm. Of course my parents had their own tree, with lots of gifts, hours of similar Openings.
*then* after the dinner, in a couple of days, it was Time to go to the other grandparents, on their farm, to have another day or two of Openings!
7 or 8 of us there. She had a wood burning kitchen stove and a secret baking of a molasis cookie that when her daughter finally got the recipie she could never ever even come close to making those cookies just like mother could make them!
Her daughter continues this tradition somewhat, but with 22+ grandkids! a packed living room for sure with lots and lots of love to go around!!
then a sorgasborad dinner for 35+ people!
[my sister suanna once went there and actually became *very* depressed as she felt so much love there but none of it was directed to HER! of course! coming to a family that was not hers and she being single, she was invited to come to my aunt's, then with maybe 10 grandchildren for the 6 kids that my aunt had, maybe 18 to 20 people at the house. I lived with her the last few years of her life so that there WAS some love in her life at the end....never married though, i guess when your IQ is 140+ and you Blow Whistles in your job, aggressively demanding that your Profession Clean it's House [social work] you have little love, as a woman!]
these days, in the Time of microwaved xmas cookies, if even *that* as there are 60 foot rows of commercial xmas cookies made with
Extenders...SB6 probenzardine additives to prolong shelf life...corn syrup for sugar...cytane #4 red color...cloropentane yeast additive....hydobroxtane for Stability....welll .........yum yum, in this day of Blended families and no time to cook!
and...often one minute after midnight on xmas day, it is ALL OVER. ya want that too, as you heard those Carols in the stores, since halloween and are sick of them!
thus xmas, for me the "smoke and the sizzle" but not the steak, as 99% of xmas is in the hieghtened love and celebration that really begins in late november. not just the commercialness in the stores, even at its best, but the extra love and happyness of all the people in the coffee shops, the cafes, and the stores. Georgia belle has a formal xmas dinner hosted by the staff, on the 13th of dec. no blue jeans please, candles and formal silverware! actual xmas day, what is the 25th like?? On that day it is usually cold and or rainy and nothing is open! nothing going on at georbia belle as everyone is off for the day: thus xmas for single people IS the smoke and the sizzle, of a steak on the grill, 99% in the preparatiopn and 1% in the eating thereof!!
So on xmas day, i may listen to music, write a letter...fiddle with my computer. *not* go out to eat as if i did that
"stupid" thing, i would go to the one place that is open only to find about ten other single people who want me to BOND with their depressions!!
bond real good and uttley too, as they talk about How they are Judged by society for being single and that on xmas day they are Found To Be utterly Wanting!! and the "sentence" for being judged so?? sit in a greyhound terminal cafe, the only place open for miles and miles, ALONE
and for these poor souls...xmas is the one day of the year of "utter ZERO!" in their lives!!
[no! do not ask me to go to try to "warm them up"..i always just become just like them, like a sponge DOES become the color of the tea that it is soaking up!]
the clue to these poor soul's depression has to do with what is the Meaning of Chistmass! not just in celebrating what about a baby being born 2000 years ago, but what is the meaning of that Birth for THEM! "salvation" is the name of this, what is the meaning of that word, they might Ask of them selves. and "saving' from "what", is a good beginning place to begin to Look. ah the pity of the Academic, Intelligent, professional, person!
this person prides him/her self on "OBJECTIVITY"! that means that nothing is real to the "spiritual life", there is no afterlife and no angels and no personal God! they might even think that as the universe will some day burn out to blackness in a billion years or so, that in essence anything that ya do is just of an inchworm that is climbing the wall of a descending elevator! ultimately, see, sports fans, these people see life as closing out to blackness as they see that everything rots, decays, goes bad and down! all good tv shows go bad and the neighboorhood goes down and then every single house IS eventually for sale sooner or later!! you die. become senile, a 6 year old kid again, where someone has to wipe both ends for you! AHA!! if heaven IS and the gift of salvation is Yours, then every good thing in your life will be there for you in heaven when you arrive as every bit of goodness, truth, and love is added to your soul, as you live these experiences, so that they will be Yours in heaven, as you sit on the porch of you cabin in the heavenly mountains. *that* is the Meaning of salvation and the real meaning of Christmas!
thus these poor souls sipping a very *very* long cup of coffee at the greyhound station snack bar cafeteria on xmas day, all self-pitying over "no xmas", why they might really need to Confront Death, their oncoming eventual death, and whether or not there is an afterlife!
so this, for me, is the real meaning of christmas, all of the "family loves and get-togethers come out from that first action: the bestowal of the Lord
in body form upon the earth, to make it possible for each of us to have an individual life after death, in love, truth, goodness.

but then too, salvation is not just for some dim far far off in the future afterlife, salvation is for NOW, here in the world as you live! even if no angels "magicly" appear with wisdom or love, from jesus's commands, instantly....why just knowing that Love, truth and goodness are Real and permanent in the afterlife, that means that they are more the REAL here too now!! they will not disippear at the heat death of the universe. then just look at all the Inspiration at your "disposal"! a personal Jesus to be with you every day!
*this* is why many intellectuals are bitter and sarcastic, in life!

so i am 63 now. probably not too many more months and years left here. I have seen heaven in my Dreams, and know that it is for real. and salvation too. so i tend to "look through" all of the commercial aspects of xmas. i try to enjoy the echos of my childhood, and ponder the meanings of what i wrote, above. if the day is sunny, i will take a walk or 20, during the xmas days. pray. meditate.

so i wish you all a happy christmass, and to have it in your hearts year around!

freestone wilson