Friday, January 30, 2004


well I have begun going back to the Lunch, there. Food is so so so good! People are too!
But I still Weary of "warming" a certain person, there!...

It is hard for me to 'warm' someone!
"warm"...As in "holding their slightly, and not-so-slightly, depressed hands, and telling them that everyone is OK and that life is wonderful"!
Old ladies from the 1920 generation, seem to be afflicted with this alot! Often they are now Alone, husband dead, and family is 1200 miles away.

but I can go to any of the two Tallahassee malls and find around the seating area, a dozen or more depressed people and they are not old either!
If I were to "play my cards wrong", why I could end up "warming" people from dawn to dusk all day long: every moment filled!

Cult leaders thrive on this, as most of the people who look outside of themselves for this "warmings", end up projecting the NEED onto the person who warms!
places all the power onto this person, in fact! Then if the warmer 'fails", in someway, then it is the warmer's fault, not the person who looks up to the Counselor!
a trrrrrrrap!
more than one counselor is trapped by his needy clients, for sure! Some of them end up STALKING him! "I am nothing without you", they rail......
of course!
tis that way if they give all their power to "him"!

no wonder Sathya sai baba wants to be "known" that he is a "sex abuser"!! gotta get the people to not use baba as a "warmer"!!! If One is Connected to Spirit, by the Guru, then the Guru should fall away!!

you do not get 'wrapped up" in the life of the phone-installer, who installed your home-phone, do ya?!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

I had to leave that wonderful church lunch, yesterday!!

every day the Episcopal church, near this library, has a lunch....I go early and eat the desserts, real whipped cream....

they hired a new janitor.
he is of the "if one measure of cleaning chemical cleans, then TEN measures cleans ten times better"!!
They seem to now require him to swab the floors *just* as I eat!! Of COURSE!! What spirit "really" needs to have me do is to have him sit with me as I eat and he tells me his life-story and I rapport with his pains....and he talk non stop for a day!
bond with them, his Pains!
My lung conditions does not allow this....*this* is why I call myself "disabled" and draw a disability pension even though I can walk 4 to 5 miles at one walk!
no perfumes...Chemical fumes..Paint..New rugs..etc..etc..
so I will have to not come there any more.......As they now want to swab the floors before everyone comes in, I came in early partly to avoid the Perfume of the people!

does NOT help the social life one bit!!
so it is Time for me to leave the Lunch place, I guess I will go to the Park and eat where many of the Homeless eat, or just sit.


me too....They, the homeless, refuse to fit in with what "they" want them to fit into, so they vote with not belonging! And WHY should they get help when the Givers require, perhaps, them to take "thorbenzibene", for their mental condition, for life, SIDE EFFECTS and all...
So I will sit with my raggy clothes that cannot ever ever see DETERGENTS [bottle brush reaming up and down my throat, the chemical irritation remains on the clothes for weeks!] in the park, with the other Outcasts, I guess....On this grey cold day.

Monday, January 26, 2004

---from the e-library of

"Claude's Book "

someone writing through a medium, as to what his immediate death is like, then he writes about his slow progressings up into the higher heavens...sort of "journal from a foreigen country, chapter by chapter, as to what it is like to live there"!

soon...he was taken to see Jesus....


.......light and hope through which will help mankind, for I have explained
to you the creative power of thought. At present the earth is
enveloped in what looks like a thick grey mist caused by the
thoughts of cruelty, rage, grief, and pain that are continually
I KNOW why you are all thinking especially of me to-day, darling.
It's an anniversary, my birthday into the spirit-world, I mean. I am
not going to call it the day I was "killed."
I do truly feel hundreds of years older sometimes. I seem to have
learnt so much since I came over, and yet at other times I sit at your
feet and rest my head against your knee, and it seems as if I were a
little boy again, and all these things had never happened!
Yes, I have seen Christ once, Mummy, and, remembering how
awe-inspiring the occasion was, cannot help wondering how any one
could imagine at death they would go straight to His kingdom, when
most of us have done so little to earn that beatitude!
I was told I should be allowed to see Him, but honestly at the time
I did not realize or appreciate the fact. I thought it would probably
mean going to a very high church with an elaborate ritual of pomp
and ceremony. When the appointed time came, my guides provided
me with a plain white
robe to wear (you cannot attend the court of an earthly king without
suitable garments), and we passed through connecting shafts to the
My general impression was that of brightness, almost dazzling;
the air scintillated like diamonds—it almost crackled, it was so full of
electricity; my feet had not a very firm grip of the ground.
There were bands and processions of people white-robed, all
going in one direction. They moved with uplifted faces, singing
beautiful music.
We joined the rear of one group, and were almost swept along on
a tide of intense feeling.
We came to a building without any walls. It consisted of a roof,
which seemed to be composed of interwoven rays of light of
different colors, supported by pillars which looked as if they were
made of mother-of-pearl.
There were crowds of people all round, and raised above all others
stood one glowing, radiant figure. I knew at once it was Christ, and
instinctively fell on my knees (though He is not like any picture I
have ever seen). I was so conscious of Him that I felt as if He was
bending over me. His eyes seemed to penetrate me, and produce a
wonderful glow. I felt uplifted in a culminating thrill of
ecstasy. He was speaking, but I could not hear the words.
As I knelt there, many events of my life passed in review through
my mind. I could visualize them as pictures. My memory seemed
stored with records, not alone of the life I had just left, but of others
in the far-away past; and as the various scenes presented themselves
I seemed to realize the different lessons I had learned through these
experiences, and to know that all the events of my life had been
leading up to this.

"Required reading"....someone could say!!
Another strange Incident with Food....

I always have this, this occurs whenever I eat in a public place or with someone!
Yesterday I was carefully to try to stop this from occurring, as I sat in the cafeteria on a crowded Sunday dinner.
No matter how carefully I arrange things to eat my first bite of food, that first taste, of that bite is "given' to someone as I *MUST* [ as in "forced to"] talk with someone next to me! As I put the bite into my mouth and that first taste sensation reaches awareness, I talk with someone and I am not aware of what the food tasted like!

always occurs....

once I moved back to Tallahassee in the fall, after being away for years and I took a walk and found "the first pecan nut" fallen from a tree, at the beginning of pecan season. I carefully shelled it and put the whole nut-meat into my mouth *just* as someone TWO BLOCKS AWAY yelled to me to ask me what time it was!

he got my first taste rush!!!!

I have a theory as to why this occurs 90% of the time....Do YOU, sports fans, ever notice this?...Ever turn to your friend to talk *just8 as he is eating his first bite of his burger?!
that this occurs as for 100,000+ years the human race worshipped their ancestors and there was a family alter in the house, for these dead ancestors and the reality of spirit, back then, was that the dead were only awake, in the spirit worlds *when* the family on earth was paying attention to them!

they came first.

so now....That first bite belongs to the Human Race, I am not supposed to be "selfish" and to have it for just me!!

---yet *another* indication that we all are very very interconnected in ways that no psychologist can ever discern, by material methods!!

Friday, January 23, 2004

Interesting, trying to WRITE a journal! my autism seems to get in the way!

I have found, over the years, that i "am a story-teller"! that is...that I tell stories to someone or to someones. This is *not* the same as writing a story or of an account.

[oh so so so many people tell me," oh, freestone, you should write down your stories; write a book even!"!]


I find that the story that i tell someone is crafted to that person as if i am the water and he is the cup and the story is crafted to fit his soul. does not translate into writings!

too...there is the technical hurdle of the technical thing of the handwriting. i have well enough trouble getting an image translated into words, as i have to utterly leave one reality, and set it aside, then to find the word for an image and then to speak that word.
three processes! be like you are in the middle of baking a cake, then the phone rings and you leave this cake mixing to go aside to talk, and then the mailman comes with a complicated form to fill out and to return to him right there and you merrily go from phone to cake to clerk to cake to phone, over and over.

writing. the actual penmanship or the typing speed of 5 wpm is yet another step that ruins the story!
worse...each and every statement needs about an hour of talk to "soften it".!!
thus what happens, in my own writings, is that i am dismayed utterly, when i go back to re-read my writings, to see and to feel the anger that oozes between the lines of everything that i write, in my journals!!
anger that is there as i have to fight fight with the means of communicational writings!! nothing is doing what i want it too, and if it DOES, if i put more effort into "form", then 99% of my efforts are nothing but..
"the weather is fine"
"i am good"
sky is blue"!!

so I weastle [ I spell as the word *SOUNDS, dammit!!!!!] with the Python of techique and my anger is just the frustations of trying to get three or four things done at once!!

too...i get angry in my writings as i find that if i make *any * statement about anything, that one little statement needs about 6000 words to explain it!! at typing 5 words per minute, that is not an option!!!!
thus much much of my writings are just ripped apart snippets! "ya want to look at my frog and i rip off a leg, of this living frog, and give it to ya"!!

"blacks suffer, collectively, as they are one of the gateways for Young souls to Incarnate into the world"!
oh boy, that one sentence got me very flamed, once...but this "racist' statement SOUNDS so so much different when spoken as then i can give all the 38 variences and subtle meanings of this: in "writings", see, i can only write out that one line and oh it reads..."bigot"!

so much of my journal reads like it is written by someone who is a bit 'schizo"!
broken ideas unrelated to one the wall statements that NEED 50 more sentences to explain them, each statement really really needs 50 more lines, to explain it....

I think in pictures and everytime that i have to leave the picture to look at pen or paper or even to try to rummage around in my brain for a corressponding word, the picture is GONE!

"what did you eat for lunch on july 18th of 2001"?
" cannot REMEMBER?!! did eat lunch, so the memory is there.....what do you mean that you cannot recall?"!!
when i leave a picture to scribe very very carefully an "e" in my handwriting letter, "poof", the picture disapears!
cannot do both!
i write.
i create.
an eternity between them, in time! if i can do both, then you can recall what you ate back then!

then there is the curse of "punctuations...caps....etc..etc."! this is why, if i do not use the spellcheck, i write in small letters and do not punctuate: gotta remove the non-essntuals, in a hard drive of one GIG, my brain, in the 80-gig world of brains of "normals"!! if i remove all of these punctuational conventions, i can get a bit of 'slack", and thus can perhaps get a better connection between thinking, imaging, translating into words and then getting the naked words down onto keyboard/paper!!

---ruminations on my autistical laments of writing my journals......


Thursday, January 22, 2004

Interesting, how I said something, recently, on some game forum and I got a "flame-reply"!
criticize anything, or even make a statement about something, and this WILL offend someone deeply!!

on the net or off of the net!

people have been stalked for 20 years, or killed, just for saying just one remark, about something!

I see the "terrible truth" about this, in a doughnut shop one day!!

here were about 50 kinds of doughnuts, all in the rack, and just what one do I choose?
do I choose the strawberry filled, or the plain cake? If I take the cake donut, I am ignoring all of the


other doughnuts!! Not "politically correct", I am! How about them, the other 49?!
dooooooo I have a problem, sports fans, here, as I am so FIXED on how one donut is better than the others? Why I should raise my counsciouness, perhaps, in trying each and every one.
better yet, buy one of each and take one bite out of each, or perhaps put them all into a blender and run it on "maximum power" for 10 minutes and then drink the grey mush; not offending any donut, OR, the lover of that flavor, if I do so!

thus, if I choose that plain donut, I actually am "offending", a bit, anyone who likes the chocolate donut! I am a bit of "putting him/her down, by taking a bite of my plain, why...right in front of this person! Denying his "reality" even!

why maybe I should just walk in, next time, and let the strongest, most persuasive
person there, talk me, force me, into buying and eating *his* donut favorite!!


just accept that I will offend someone, somewheres, by each and anything that I do...say....think!
and get Over it!

And to buy that plain donut!

at least I am not "bigoted"!
that is where I buy my plain donut and then try to talk and to even force everyone in line and along the counter...To eat MY flavor, telling them that "it is the one true donut"!!


Friday, January 16, 2004

So here I am, about to re-begin the Game of MORROWIND! I also have the Expansion packs...BLOODMOON and TRIBUNAL. ["total landmass bigger than the earth", the promo says, for all three games added together!

Zengamer:"Morrowind was great. The scope, the graphics, the complete departure from linearity if you desired it, the sheer amount of STUFF in the game made it amazing."......."Reviewing the Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind has been the most daunting task I have faced in the five years that I have been reviewing video games. Morrowind is enormous, grandiose, even epic in scale. There is so much to do, so much to see, and there are always more possibilities. I have always wondered what a massively multiplayer online role playing game would play like if you gave it a real story, a lot of quests, and made it single player; Morrowind is the first and only RPG available that answers that question. It provides the same sense of scope, the same ability to change the game world, to interact and grow in whatever way you choose, that every MMORPG strives for. In short Bethesda has proven with Morrowind that you can create a game and a world so large, so detailed, and so involved that one could conceivably play it for many months, constantly finding new and interesting things. Morrowind succeeds by creating a game that is uncompromising in its vision - it may not be for everyone, but it accomplishes what it sets out to do-allow the possibility to play the game any way you choose. In that respect, Morrowind is one of the truest 'role-playing games' ever released.

then there are the MODS!!

unlike *most* other modded games, the mods for morrowind are placed *into* the gameworld, AS you play the game. Bethsoft, the developer, thought that most players would use maybe 5 to 10 mods at one time: they were a bit flabbergasted to learn that once the game came out that some people run 50...100...Or even 250 mods at one time, with the game!!
I have about 150.

if I assume that you reader, have played mw, and can recall that village of Sedya neen, that starting town by the dock of entry, why in MT sedya, there are hogs in the pond, chickens on the ground, a rooster on top of the lighthouse! I can see off into the distance a whole another town: HALDENSHORE, a mod! There are about ten times more NPCs roaming about, than in *your* Sedya! The sea is full of fish and the speakers emit bird sounds, rooster crows, even the sound of horses running! The cat next door, the lady tells me, listens right up to the walls, whenever I play!
a world.
creating a vast world, I have added islands, whole factions...Quests...
150 to 200 hours of game, at least...

and that is only in the Morrowindworld of vanderfall....
there are the expansion packs too...TRibunal and Bloodmoon, with *their* mods added!!

---to readers of the forum....Please come visit my weblog
"my life after near death experiences"

Thursday, January 15, 2004


if ya wonder where i have been to, this is where: getting my morrowind game to run!!
downloads...files...reading....consuming my time: soon i will play!

one can have mods with this game, actually put other people's worlds *into* your game!

sooon, back to Postings!!

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

hi all....

middle of january now.....
time goes by quick.

I was struck, yesterday, by the "incongruity" of my living here at georgia belle apts!
Tis a bit so, to me, as i feel like i have always felt, as if i were "only" 30 years old!

ah...but the body has its Clock.

soul does too....

Oh that little lady next door, all stooped over, probably "osteposis"....
but i feel that the body itself is actually Mallible, to an extent, changeable and Moldable.
What i mean by that is...that if one is happy and smiles and laughs a lot, the body can reflect this...even when 80 years old!!

Friday, January 09, 2004

" Enter your email address below to subscribe to my life after near death experiences.
Whatever entry that I post, will also be sent to your mailbox!!
powered by Bloglet "

signup for my weblogs, is BROKEN!! The settings seem to reset to "disabled" about ten minutes after i re-check the boxes to enable them!!

can anyone here recommend to me a good outfit that has a working
sign up subscription service??
put it in, your suggestion, in the comment box!

Thursday, January 08, 2004

happy new year all.....

There was a message on the front cover of the monthly calendar folder/activities, the Georgia belle apt senior tower place I live in. A message from the Director, welcoming in the new year..

I cannot recall the exact words, but it went a bit like this....

.....Be thankful for what you do *NOT* have, and be thankful for what you did not get, for the Christmas new year's season! For everything that looks good, that your neighbor gets, there is a downside that goes with this:
---living on the 12th floor with the wonderful view? Be thankful that you do not, as the airconditioning equipment is just above you and the noise is like of a plane in flight!
----living on the second floor with the good elevator access? Be glad you do not live there, just in front of the Pull In, where the weekly ambulance pulls up at 2 am, reminding you of your very very soon-to-be Appointment with Mr death!!

those are not her examples, but just look at that photo from the AP wire showing a
photo of Misery in Portland, Oregon!
Probably *they* are glad that they do not live in Tallahassee, Florida , where I live,where there are 89 days a year of 90 degrees and 26 days a year of 95 or higher, with Tropic humidity!

yes, be thankful for the things that you do not have or did not get for Xmas!
Each of what you have needs care!
like of that lady, true story, who was offered a
she had three acres of land so she said YES! Oh she had to buy and build a fence and then the water trough and feed box and then the vaccinations and then it got sick and then the usual feed bills: took over $3500, that year, to care for this "free goat"!!