Friday, October 18, 2002


Perhaps the medical term for how my brain is, "high level functioning Autistic"! I
think only in images, so much so that i have great trouble eating with someone as i *have* to
choose: food OR talk! not both.
i have now seen how the field of counsciousness is like of a hole in a sheet of paper, where
one peers at the world and at life through that hole that might be three inches wide. naturally,
one does not see beyond the edges of the sheet, one cannot be aware of *everything*
in the envirnment, at one time. holds true for the mind too, one tends to see the world in terms
of one's life only, thus "bias' and predjedices" are natural.

I have a pinhole for my hole! just a tiny pinprick of a hole in that sheet of paper. what that
means to me is...that i can only see and do and think one thing at a time! if i am tying my shoes,
i am NOT buttoning my shirt! that sounds simplistic, but try me when i eat. takes all of my
attention to look at that slice of tomato and to bring my fork up to it and sense the utter area of
the tomato-slice for to put the fork onto it where this slice will not fall off and stain my shirt red.
i cannot also be thinking of what someone is talking to me about....i might be on a street in new
york, in my imaging, as this person tells me of his trip: there is NO tomato slice on that street
and no street on my tomato plate!! why does not anyone understand that?! thus i have to
ignore him or eat; i have whole meals on the cafe table, utterly uneaten!! no way that i could
find the food, as the person talks of Interesting things that require *every* byte of brain hard
drive space!

this akes me utterly utterly bigoted and biased on *everything* of course, as when i see some
person that is "different", that is ALL that i see, and if something comes to mind, it is the very
very first cultural bias that i have been Saturated with since childhood, and also the very air
that around me has that bias too.
---"cannot you, freestone, back away from this perception and make your own intellectual
stand, to over come this"?-----someone could ask me.

i cannot.
if i try that, i become unaware, completey, of the person that i am looking at! ...or the concept
that brings up that bias!
if i concentate on concentating, that is all i end up doing...concentrating! and being utterly

this is why autistic people often tell ya in your face some perception that Wounds! if you
weigh 350 pounds, the perception, to him *is* obvious and he cannot cannot also see the
"social graces" that would keep him silent! in fact, that may be *ALL* that he can talk about to
this fat person, as that weight IS.......fills all of his limited hard drive of a brain, to be NOT aware
of it, is also not to be aware of the fat person at all! thus the "proper" autistic talk, to the fat
person, is to talk of nothing BUT how fat he is....!!

the "hell" of autism.

this is why my journal often is filled with "biases and bigotries"...for such an old soul...and
probably will be until i die. and after i die, i will go to ONE heaven not to all heavens. and
everything in that heaven will be a bias to other heavens...the music heaven is not the science
heaven....for instance!

what is the politically correct donut?
why it is....buying one of each so that no donut is offended. take a bite out of each, if you buy
a cherry donut, you are biased and bigoted against the strawberry...the chockolate...the
better yet: put them all into a blender and blend at maximum power for ten minutes, then eat the
grey mush...but you will not offend!

---what is the xmas gift to give to a liberal professor?!
a persian rug, knitted of one color thread! tell him of the intricate pattern on this rug, but one
cannot see it, as the dye is one color. "yellow" dye is not "red" dye and thus as each color
does not take the other colors into consideration, there is bias and bigotry there. no offense is
made if the rug is one color.