Thursday, September 19, 2002

that "ana" site...the Futurebird site! [ ]
Yesterday i went to it and found many links. there are also links in the "Faq" section, links to dairyland
dairies where the pain is raw raw raw.....
there is a "forum" too....someday she is gonna mail me the password and i will be tempted to post there!
Perhaps i will....
this letter, my "letter to ana-people"!

here goes, here goes what I think about all of this....Having stared at "Eating Disorder", myself, in the face, in my youth!

This morning, at my coffee cafe, they had NPR public radio on and the classical music had a nice
quiet Numenious sound to it. Then the young college kids came out of the kitchen and they changed the station to an, to me, Obnoxious country music station. mostly talk show, at 7 am...a talk show of jabbering monkeys on drugs...gibber...gibber...gibber, like of a metronome on the fastest setting....and the Advertisements!
the ads were nothin but the car ads that i dislike, the most bassy, brassy..."if that person were a guest in my house i would call the police, citing intruder, to them"!
these college kids love this stuff, and today i can see why. because they are *like* that inside. that is the quality of their souls so that for them, this stuff is balm and lifeitself! they are hyperkenetic, without direction or focus.

so what does my mornings observation has to do with Anorexia"!
---everything!! the perfect metaphor!

Oh yes, i have read the books...know the psychological reasonings as to "whys".
Control. power. Addiction. pain. lack-of-selfworth-feelings, brainchemicals-highs-due-to-starvation, worship-by-culture-of-"thin"...etc...etc.

My reason has nothing to do with these!
for....I feel that Anorexia is a metaphor for a secret that is buried in the American way of life!
which is....we ALL are Anorexic! even the "350 lb fatties"!

these two college kids in my cafe! they react and act very very snitty-emotional *as* a way of life, to everything. positively or negatively. there is no depth to them, either due to age or due to what is in their souls....and *that* is my point!
we each have a starved soul! our souls are not being fed, by the way we live! all the changes of the last 40 years has "we fly to california but our souls travel to there by slow covered wagon"!
and the culture is not feeding us soul-food! only outer superficial experiences and that perhaps "the purchase" will fill the void, the hollow empty feelings. thus we react and act, to everything, without a center of gravity within! Tis all "outer" and superfical, where appearances count and the wrapper on the box *is* all, let alone the box----and inside this box, of most of us, is a starved starved soul!
got that?! "empty hollow feelings"?! "life's a bitch them you die"? just listen to "X-105" and hear the Songs and the Music...over and over and over and over.....
the Pain of the ANA people is the pain of a person with a withered soul. Most of us "healthy people"....even if they weigh 500 pounds....and PERHAPS that is *why* they weigh so so much: they try to fill the Void Within!!
yes...perhaps much of our collective overeatings is each of us trying to fill a Void. eat eat eat till we puff up like a balloon, by none of these calories can be assimulated by our souls! so we over-compensate by eating ever the more!

Most of us are Anorexic in our souls. there is little soul in us, it is "56 lbs"...each of us: THAT
is the parable and metaphor that Anorexia is, for me!
we are not taught, in school and college, how to grow a soul! or what is "soul-food"!
"religion" does NOT work! all religion is..... is some group's Control-freak trip, on ya!
"soul" has also to do with Spirit and life-eternal, the afterlife world, after you die. soul, with spirit within it, is the only thing that "goes with you" into the afterlife! And we are taught to put the care and feeding our our souls....LAST, in every life-choice and life-action!!

thus "ana" people are the "miner's canaries", to us all....they KNOW the emptyness within, and accept that...but most non-anapeople do not even know that they are in Pain, of *that* kind of emptyness-pain!!
They feel that their pain has to do with "box problems"...not "soul-problems"!

most of us feel that life has no meaning, and that there is no meaning in anything....a classical symptom of a withered, anorexic, soul! cynicism and sarcasm abound.....
thus a person with a anorexic soul, on a walk down the street, he cannot appreciate the mysterious sound of a train whistle, miles away...the sounds of birds chirpping...the pretty clouds in the sky...the feeling that everything, "out there" is interconnected and interconnected to himself as well!
he is on the cell-phone, in his car, in traffic, in a hurry: he has not a moment to spare, anyway, even if he was on foot, for the birds, sky, trainwhistle!
---and our culture, our way of life, in the Western world, is NOT training us, in the school system, or in the
family, or in the value "trainwhistles...birdsongs...skies"!
so our souls grow the ever the more EMACIATED, as we grow older, losing that Innocence that was our childhood-soul, as we each grow older....growing ever smaller, not larger, our we age!

there. my metaphor for Anorexia! we all are Anorexic, and are clueless! it sometimes takes a death of one's loved one[s], or a Near death hospital experience, in Intensive care, where "mr death sits there and looks through his rolledex/notebook" to see if it is *your* Appointed Time, awaken one to Things of Soul/Spirit!