Monday, June 17, 2002

well today on the bus....THE ANGRY MAN! i rode three miles with a man who Dumped.....
---tis too too long a story to unfold here....but What Comes out of It?!

Here i am, innocently and unawaredly, putting onto bytes, my journal and diary entries about how i how less than a year to live.
oh how unaware i am!!

Unaware that my subject matter is THE LAST UNSPEAKABLE UTTERENCE, the last "dirty word" to be accepted as being acceptible!

There are, actually, a BUNCH of "unmentionables"!
---death, yes.
---that there IS such a thing as "fate", a fate fixed in stone and Titainium steel! that if i were to claim this fate as being so, this opens the Door to all fate for anyone and everyone! that a person CAN have something that must be accepted, NOT changed! Thus if i say..."my life is utterly fated and i want it that way"...many people see a "red flag in front of the bull"!! they do not want to accept fate in any way possible! "if my life is fated: so is theirs"...they infer!!
---the afterlife! not only that there IS such a thing: that also what i have experienced is True for me, but often SO unacceptible for others to experience! like that dream of a few days ago where i was interviewed for joining a white supremecy group! that I might WANT to favor being IN such a group, after i die, For Very Good Reasons [for me!] . that i might, no matter how i feel about such a group now [yuuch!]: that i might HAVE to accept being a part of their group's world, after i die and Enjoy that!
let's not talk, shall we, about the dream about six months ago, where I, in the spirit world, was in the process of becoming a "inner circle person" [Don] of the Mafia!! many many people, i fear, in hearing all of this "group-joinings", they would think that my Experiences are being pushed upon them as being FOR THEM, as well!!
these experiences are mine alone and indeed i might find that i will bond with many many groups. I recall that astral experience last year where i went to a Gay men orgy! 20 or more men, naked, having an intense orgy on the floor, writhing together like worms in sex-estacy. me too! And i am NOT even "gay" except in Sympathy and acceptance: no matter, this is a world that i have access to, after i die!
----the afterlife: i get real real bad flak from christians over this! my heavens to come, are NOT the offical heavens that xians
are supposed to go to! no matter if i see Jesus take my Sister to a higher heaven: if not "scriptorial" then "it is Satan decieving me"!!
thus i have given up talking to xians over what is in my two journals!

What i am saying, here, is that these two journals seem to be more "radical" than any political or social extremist group!
more "dangerious", perhaps, for me, if i EXPECT to have approval from anyone about what i write about!

so far i have had at least two people toast me Real Good over being "racist"! One person wrote to me over how wrong wrong wrong i was, in every little word that describes what heaven is like! then there was the guy who wants to convert me to christianity...."convert and if you suffer greatly for it, then that is quite worth the suffering as otherwise you will go to hell for eternity: worth all the suffering there is, rather than hell-eternity"!
[ hmmmm....seems i heard that one, from the xians, about 800 years ago: called the "inquisition"!!]

so i will and MUST write what is, in my days and weeks to come. describe my heaven astral experiences as they fall. if i lie, what use is the journal, what use is my life?! there may be something here to displease EVERYONE, eventually!