Thursday, February 07, 2002

well, I had a *very* large Smallshock yesterday!

I went to eat my supper in Piccadily's cafeteria, yesterday, and as i just got ready to begin to eat, i sensed a flurry of activity near me....and "that" old man was coming to join me.
[the old man who seems so so hopeless and needed someone to light his stove for him!]

we talked about his bowels. his going to the bathroom only once per week or so, his medications, his eyweaknesses, his bowel exam, his shits and his eating habits.

I think he is about 85, though i know at least three 85 year olds who look more healthy than he does.

he then told me his age.


yes 63 years of age and he looks near death! I could hear him mutter to himself,m from time to time...
"oh poor poor me"..."that wont work"....."stupid me"....I am 60, he looks like death warmed over and LOOKS 85, at least!

I am Troubled. I love to "help people", but i sense that what i NEED to do with him, is something that i do not want to do! what i "need' to do is to tell him..."OK, i will try to get you going in your life, but you will have to do this: become what i say and think...get up when i do, eat what i eat and follow my instructions to the letter and DO NOT Question what i say! Become an extension of my arm, let go of your self and let yourself become ME!"

---tis is what you get when ya bond to a puppy! the *only* bright hope, in his depressing monologic-grey
speech, was when he asked me all excitiedly..."are you coming to dinner tomorrow at this time: i will join you"!
---retired stateworker.
---an alligator in the Okeefonokiee swamp knows more about computers than he does.
---take sedatives to sleep, as he cannot sleep.
---wears grey...talks grey...IS grey!

[a counselor friend told me that maybe he needs to die, that there is nothing to be done for him, that actually he should have died years before but medicine keeps him going beyond His Time: perhaps it is best just to let him be, until his physical clock runs down, as his soul has left already!...."
so i have a choice!
1---see him in the caferteria and tell him never to see me and never to sit with me ever again: that will hurt him REAL BAD! kill the only joy that is left for him.
2---become the very life for him: be GURU! let it be that i *become* his life and let me actually be like his externalized True Self where he gives up his ego to become my ego, then empower him with my Self, probably will need to actually, soon, LIVE with him in his house, to complete this!
3---stop going to eat there. period!
4---tell him, in the cafeteria, that my throat condition cannot have talking with my meals, so i must eat in silence and spend an hour with my meal, or more. that i must, from now on, eat alone.
[i DO have this Condition, i must cut up every bite into very very small piecies and chew chew chew]
this bothers me as i am using my condition *as* an excuse, *as* a means of escaping from him!
[nerousis bonding with Spirit]

i will probably do # 4. use my condition as an excuse!

----and there are 100 more of these guys behind him! the malls and caferterias and do-nut shops are full of these people!
my own assessment of this guy?
---chronic great Depression, life-long. so vast that it has now gotten to his nervious system and causes
actual physical symptons. it would do him no no good at all to have me take him to the senior center to show him What Is Possible, for retirees, as he is not interested in anything! it would not "take": any advice, any counsel...
[he tells me that what he does in the evenings is to turn out the lights and turn on his radio untill he finally goes to bed!] every night.
probably really needs a psychytrist.
he is beyond Spirit counsel!!

---and what does this event mean for ME, symbolicly??
maybe to see that my own time to "help" people is at an end.