Monday, December 24, 2001

coffee at mcDonalds.

sorta depressing there at 7 am, my usual place to go to is closed for the holidays.
[that is another rap in and of itself: the extra cost incured, for single people, during the holidays when everything is closed!]

mcdonalds at 7 am, near the homeless shelter, MOST of the customers are the homeless that must leave the Shelter at 6;30 or so. there were about six guys there, getting warm and having coffee.

after my coffee, i went to the bathroom, and there inside was a man who asked me for money for breakfast. I had 1. 003 seconds to assuge and to choose what to do, on this day before christmas! do i give to him money, probably several dollars would do....or do i not.
first. assuge the vibes. in that one second, i could feel the DRUGS...the booze...the awfullness of "needs" being met..."ya goota have sex man, and drink is of life itself"
"no one pays attention to ME ME ME and my NEEDS"....i got the feelings from him that these were of his life!

reminds me.....

a few years ago, i lived in an apt complex that was mostly of Single, Black Women, with Children with no father Present. the Man next door was a farmer from the "old school"...from south georgia, and worked probably on his land all of his life. he was 70 or more now, and dying of throat cancer. slowly.
his ex-wife's daughter, now in her 30s, had three kids of her own: i helped the mother and kids move to a house about four miles away, once.
this daughter, probably had each kid by a different man, and no man present now, of course.
kids were very very hyperactive...i think this old farmer, Fred, called them "monkeys"!

It was the day before Christmass. Fred told me, as i entered my own door, that his food stamps were late and had not come and the welfare payment was late too!
---I resolved.....

I resolved to walk up to the supermarket and to buy him a bag of groceries for Xmas. i did that. i brought the big sack of groceries up to his door and knocked and he yelled for me to come in. he yelled from his bed in the back....for me to sit the bag on the table and that he would get to it when he felt better, later. he thanked me. i left.
As i entered my own door, about ten feet away, and took off my jacket, i heard a car pull up in front of farmer Freds. it was his daughter and all of her three monkey-kids! they went in to freds.

Fred told me , later in the week, that they came in and ate ALL the food! there was not a bit of it left for fred!


I then just KNEW that she heard that bag hit the table from three miles away and that she jerked into spasm IMMEDIATELY! she jumped into the car and came!
she could tell that there was something there for her: you do not feed just ONE seagull, in a second twenty will appear! she knew "psychicly" that there was food there and she wanted it!
Fred got nothin! she and kids consumed it all........

"does not she have NEEDS"?.....the do-gooder might ask! and the kids too? they will take all that you give and then next week need yet more! the more ya give, the more they need: try to water your lawn every day and then stop: the grass will die even faster than the wild grass in the field next to your yard, as now the roots of that yard-grass is set-dependant UPON your waterings!

---I did not give this homeless man anything! sorrey readers---even Jesus , i think, says somewheres that there is a limit, there is a time that the rolls are closed
for Aid and Salvations....
for if this limit is not SET for "outer world panhandlers that want want, but they are percieved to have no self respect and self disipline....if you just give to these
bad vibe people, IN THE NAME OF GIVINGS


then you are really just saying that *ALL* your own inner negative "lesser ego fragments", or "sin natures".....have *just* as a real need to be fullfiled, as the "spiritual" part of you!!
again, in other words....
I see it that if I were to give to these lower vibe people, in the name of Giving, i would be saying to myself that all my own inner "waeknessess" and
"animal natures" and "unspiritual self-centerednessess": that they have just as much needs to be expressed AS my higher natures!
the weeds are EQUAL, in importance, to the crops, in my garden...i must never pull out a single weed, ever, and give to these weeds all that the weeds need, for growth,
IF i were to give to "bad vibe people", in the name of Giving, symbolicly put!!

there is The Geart Divide: the needy person who comes to me for aid and counsel and help....can i give to him a fishing pole for him to catch his own fish with, or does he
be unutterbly unable to fish for himself and would "need" me to do it all for him?!
just as...
any inner qualities that are "sinfull" insides of me, in my soul: is there a bit of Spirit insides such a "negetivity", so that this "lower nature" can be Transformed into a higher octive of itself, or should this "self-weed" be starved for water, or outright pulled out, of my soul-garden?!

One must learn how to kill, in a way. One must decide WHEN those nice apples, under the tree, have ripened so much that ROT has set in and while one can cut out some of the rot, there comes a time that one MUST say that the apples are not worth it!! After all, if you "validate" the rot, there will come a day when ALL of any apple will be nothing BUT that "OK"?! you gotta choose, you gotta draw the line, or else there is only rot, eventually.

there. In this rambling long entry, i have answerd my own question about "giving", and thus i feel not so torn up that i did not give on the Day before Xmas!
I would now ask, in a kind of prayer, to Spirit.....for to give to me Discernment as to be able to detect when to give of my time, Talants, and resources, to people in need;
to be able to tell whether there is a "bit of a fire in the clunker coals" of their souls, so that any help that is given to them, will be of any good for them! If there is some "fire" there...then they can "fish for themselves"!! If NO fire: then this person who comes for help... or of some inner "negativity", of my own just a "tick" or "Leech" or a "Flea"! A Parasite, only!