Monday, November 05, 2001

being autistic always seems to find me out of it, in the social order of things.

today, someone asked me at my lunch place..."why were you not here to eat friday?"
[i went to a church sale then]

but to answer her was nearly impossible.....what i WANTED to tell her was..."I went to the place for the sale"!
I have 100 picture images for all of what i did that friday at the sale. but to actually TELL someone and have a meaningfull commicative messege: oh BOY!!
first i have to image the church. then to name it...names are not picture images so i have rummage rummage rummage through my brain. then i have to tell her WHAT kind of sale it was...garage sale/ xmas sale/ craft sale/ bazaar/.....each word out of 20 words for "sale" has a subtle meaning that utterly differs from the other 19 words for sale.
by then the kitchen helpers needed her for something: i had not even got to the "church' part, of the "image-into-words" Conversion!
I think in picture images, not words: translating takes up so so so much time that no one has the patience, today, for such a thing!

when i think i cannot speak. when i speak, my thoughts are "Zero"! thus i have to very very slowly speak and everyone can outrun me, out-talk me. how can i ever verbally defend myself or win an arguement when i have to always reach for a thought only to find that i can not find it and by the time i do, my oponent is ten sentences ahead and has won the arguement and he has taken the spoils and has left!
ah well......good thing that i never have told anyone my heaven vision experiences: take an hour or two PER tale to do so!