Friday, September 16, 2005

disturbing dreams

Last night I had a bit of a "disturbing dream"!!

In that Twilight Zone, at 5 am, when half awake and half asleep, and sometimes I can actually dialogue with spirits somewhat awakedly, I tried to ask of a group of "Spirit guides", questions about the dream I had previous to this. I ended up asking about why I did not die in 2003, as per that India Guru telling me of the Life Record indicating this to be so, set up before I was born.

"broken contract"....Was their reply, a cryptic short answer to a ever ever growing suspicion that I have.

Sometimes what happens to one's childhood, in very Important moments, sets the tone for the whole life to come, not merely "psychologically", but Spiritually too, in a symbolic act, often Predictive in nature!

July of 1959, I went on a short canoe trip to Canada, the church high school youth group went to the Minister's cabin that he had, on a lake in a park.
Early July of 1960: One day at church, this minister approached me to ask not only was I coming this year, but could I be a Leader, his right hand man to help Lead the Boys, as I was not only the oldest boy going, but that I was his most "Favorite and trusted" person.
Of course I asked mom, and she said "NO"! She told me that she had set up ten dentist appointments for me, in late July, and that they were for to get me ready for the college, to FSU, to go in late August, and these appointments could not be changed!
"Oh no", I muttered!
[this trip was, even then I knew, very important to me! This trip would have been the High water mark of my childhood, as much of it was having to deal with being the class object of teasing and bullying all through the 12 years of school so far!]
When I told my Minister, he was aghast, he said that he himself would come to visit her to try to change her mind.

he came the next day. He must have spent over an hour with her and she did not budge one inch!
So all of the end of July, I had ten dentist appointments, they all had a wonderful
canoe trip, the LAST one that they had, it turns out, as he had to leave the church the year after and too, the cabin caught fire and burned down!

yes, a high water mark in my life, that never occurred, I ended up telling this minister, in the end, the next time I saw him, after his visit to mom, that...

GOD HIMSELF COULD NOW SWAY HER!!

hmmmmm....

Canada = heaven, the "upper country"!
Mom = the physical life on earth, "mother earth"!
canoe trip = my life in heaven after I die, I will help the angels,
be a leader, help the younger souls progress, there.

so.
someone else was his right hand man, on this canoe trip, I did not go.


"broken contract"!
---Mom wins! No matter *what* the guides will tell me, from now on, about another "one year to live", their posturing Will Not Work, as Mom will "Win" every time.
Thus I could either live on and on until my genes run out, coupled with Modern medicine, or that I would die in some collective epidemic or earth change disaster, and then arrive as one of the patients in need of healing, *NOT* as a leader or helper!
Someone will, or has, taken my place in heaven for to do this action that I was to have been set up to do, back there in the late 1930s, set up for my lifeplan before I was born. In other words: other souls will pick up the "tools" that I was to be holding in heaven, as I am not now there to use them; they will be the leaders, helpers, healers, of these younger souls, from now on.

No wonder my life seems to be of a kind of "perpetual on hold" there last few years after 2003! There is no more life-plan future, I have finished my Acts upon the stage of life, but even after the last line is said, my feet seem to be "glued" to the floor and thus the lights cannot be shut off, the curtain cannot be drawn, and all of the "support people", like of the
"Prompters" and the "orchestra" cannot leave either! I must remain on stage, forcing even the guides and the angels to care for me, and that they cannot Fetch me to heaven, so that they must still tend to me too!

As the "ascension" people write about how much of the human race will never ever incarnate again, after about 2011/12 as the new age begins.

[the RA group says...."Every 25,000 years there is a mass graduation event. The first one no one was ready. The second 25,000 years only 200 to 500 were able to Ascend, but they all renounced this to help with the rest of humanity, you can read all about their lives all through History! Now is the time for ALL of humanity to ascend, ready or not"!]

all ascend?
I am beginning to wonder about that, with this thinking about my missed heaven!
I might be here for at least another 25,000 years of incarnations, everyone else goes on...

so until ????? I may just take walks, read, computer-internet, meditate; until the eventual end of my life. I have nothing else to do for my life missions. I will take the heat for not "suffering" like of so many others who work dawn to dusk and do not have a moment to "live", and they see me just walking about the streets!
I might not even join with the "great outpouring of spirit" that Guides tell me in my dreams that is supposed to be occurring in a year or three. [2006...2009]

I wonder what I *could* do, in heaven, when I eventually get there? there will be no
"assignment" waiting for me there, as I had missed that one years ago, the assignment that I was set up for when I was supposed to have died in 2003!
By now, 2005, my autism and ADD is such that I would fit into NO groups, in heaven, be an outsider to all and *any* angelic order! I am not a "team worker", thus no
joinings with the temples of healing, counselings....etc..etc...

maybe I will reincarnate Immediately, no heaven at all.....
or, wander around, a perpetual Tourist, alone, an outsider.
[even years ago, I once astral traveled to a Class of souls who were all being taught
to use their psychic abilities, according to this lady teacher's way. I waited outside of this class until the class was over, then I talked to several of these afterlife souls, telling them that they did not need this lady telling them to do the psychic stuff HER way, as each person could do it far far better on their own using their own soul-knowledge! [no one needs the priest, to talk to God]
Oh this lady teacher was MAD MAD! She attacked me; I dove back to earth to my body, as she came to hit me with her fists! [validating, to me, her Power and Control issues!!]
Thus I could do this in heaven, be a acid minded outsider, against the "system",
even getting demons to come and to take the temple down, if I thought that this temple was somehow "outdated", or "controlling"!

??????

a strange one, this Position, this is why I write a BIG blog entry on it. Just ponder, sports fans, this alone: that I have "Trapped" my guides too! I have, by default, also forced my Angels and Guides to not do *their* heavenly duties either, as they also are Stuck to their tasks, their task of Prompting, helping, me on my stage of life, but now the Acts are over and Mom wins, and thus all of my guides and angels cannot leave their positions for to do *their* "post freestone 2003 heavenly tasks" too!! Thus I Force dozens, hundreds, of souls to be stuck too!

I guess I will have to assert my "slight new York City Acid Jewish sarcasm of intellect, and then give a bunch of heavenly critics the "raspberry", the "Bronx cheer"! Make it all "Their Problem", and then feel and think and act what I Will, no matter how many toes get stepped on!