Tuesday, January 07, 2003

XMAS NADIR

I reflect back upon my Christmas day. That day was perhaps the very nadir, the very pits, of all the xmas days of my 61 years of life!
that day was right from A book, a classic event of America Gone Strange.....

well if ya live alone and all my distant relatives are 1200 miles away and all sisters...mother..fater, are dead,; so what do i do upon waking up on xmas morning?! all the stores are closed, but i can take a nice AM walk. i checked out the 4 mile away Krispy kreme last week and they said that they will be open on Xmas day!
well the temp is about 35 degrees F. and the wind is blowing...all is very very quiet, on my walk. to make a long story short, on the
way there, i found that all my single friends had gone away to their FAMILIES far far off....

the krispy Kreme was closed! oh the sign said that they would open at 6pm.....*that* does not count! I guess on xmas day you GO to your family even if it is a family from hell as XMAS *is* for families and families *rule*!

I ended up in the GREYHOUND BUS TERMINAL!

the snack bar was open...i had a cup of coffee and read the paper. not even a single bus was in the gate. then a "runaway-looking"
late teenage girl came in with her suitcase with a rope tied around it and sat, she did, at the next table. just the two of us sat there, with the one coffeeshop server, behind the counter looking bored, a poor guy who probably had the least time in job-grade so that he was the One to have to come in!
I tried to talk to her, like trying to talk to a dish of jello! or trying to datestamp a cup of coffee....like talking to an amorphoius blob who had nothing to say, no feelings, no thoughts....like of a kind a lady who the man *must* do ALL the talking to and she is *warmed* by what he says, by the *tone*, alone, of the talk: matters not, uttterly *what* he talks about!

what i SHOULD have done was to invite her to come with me to my trailer and we two spend the day together. i have no car. tis a 3 mile 40 degree walk, i cannot affford a taxi.
alas....not to be done.
TOO....she would be, and SHOULD be, i guess, very very hesitant about going home with a strange man from the bus station!!
"rape for sure"......would be her fears.

alas, i will cant the sails to even a deeper level of Imaginations....that if i were to have had her to my trailer,
SEX is just what is called for! two alone man and woman souls communing like some shipwrecked group of men and women did....i once read....when they all got out of the lifeboats onto this small island, they all had constant sex with each other, for hours and hours...

to affirm to each other, the Touching of soul to soul, the Bonding, in the Face of utter Aloneness!

I am impotent. And Know too too much, in Spirit ways....
but i trembled in the Face of what someone said...."that there are women who are SO lonely and alone that the only way that they
CAN be touched is by a good RAPE!"
I do not say that, above...please do not "flame me"....this comment, by someone i once read/heard....just shows to me just how alonely
some people are!

==============
I once had this experience. i just got off the bus in san francisco 1967. discharged from the air force. got a room for a week in the Ymca, then it was about 7 pm on a dark november day so i went across the street to a cafe and ordered my very very first civilian meal *as* a civlilian....clam chowder soup. i wanted to be alone to savor my first meal and i chose clam chowder as this WAS san francisco! i sat in a sea of empty tables. i ordered; it soon came, a steaming bowl of chowder. i salted and peppered and stirred. as i looked up to begin to eat, i saw this 60 year old man coming over to my table withcoffecup in hand and he sat down immediately
and instantly he looked deeply deeply into my eyes and he said..

"I CAN COPE WITH LONELYNESS"!

---he immediately then began to tell me his life sory, demanding that i pay utter attention....in a real sense, folks, i did NOT eat that soup: HE did! i eventually broke away...he could have gone on for hours and hours, and, funny, he did not tell me any summerizations or insights about his life, he just spewed it out in litteral detail, like of a video tape or film! He had NO ability to think about his life, as his life-road approaches the Tombstone...No ability to figure anything out or to attach a meaning to his life, so i guess other people are asked to do that FOR him!
....later, after a few days at the "Y", i discovered that this whole
ten square-plus blocks were where the family-less old people retired too, each city block had DOZENS of cafes where there was an old person at *each* table with coffee cup, nursing that
coffee cup for
hours and hours and hours, all night long

ALONE.

ALONE.
=========================

so i said nothing more to this girl and finished my coffee and walked out.

utterly judged by society for being Single and alone!

---good thing that i do not hold the values of our contemprary cultures *as* self-defining!!