Wednesday, January 15, 2003

my autism did me in again!

yes, i can play console games. I had one that i bought last week, for my playstation 1. called "persona 2". a very very good game but oh so so so complicated, a rpg, with stats, monsters, special attacks, etc...etc.
it became obvious very soon that i needed to keep track of about ten things at once and the list of things is about 80 long for *each* of these ten things!! 800 things. or i die *real* quick, using the wrong kind of magic on the monster, say!
brings to my attention YET again that i can only think, or do, one thing at a time. If i think of a red apple, i cannot also thing of an
orange: apparently most people can do this, i utterly cannot!
Once, while "losing it" in grade school, the teacher telling me "to concentrate, freestone, on what i am doing"....i ended up utterly lost as i was CONCENTRATING, which has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with what one concentrates on, so that now i was not aware of anything but "concentrating"!

I now know what the "autistic's dream kitchen" is....
only SHELVES...no drawers...no cupboards. everything must be in view at once, as once the item is behind the shut cupboard door...

IT IS GONE.

i have often bought a jar of....... i put it in the cupboard and shut the door and then next week buy another jar as i do NOT have a jar of it in front of me: i put it in the cupboard and discover that i have one already. next week i buy another jar........

oh, in social situations...if i "am suppossed to keep a secret' about something, i feel paralyzed in conversations as i *must* concentrate only on not telling, as just when i focus on OTHER than this 'secret", the inhabition is gone, of course, and i will blab it out right away. also if the person i talk to is depressed, say, i can *only* talk to this person about the depression as this depression "IS", and it fills every one of my brain cells so that it is the only thing to talk about until the other person is not depressed anymore!

oh my writings!
i have to choose between "proper punctuation....capital letters...spellings"

OR

communicating my thoughts and feelings....but not both at once!
thus i have to let go all the "capital "i" s......for instance.
at five word per minute, it is a wonder that even i can type at all....*this8 is why my writings are a "english teacher's nightmare"!
must be.

ice cream.
in the Baskin Robbins, i once noted that two people were looking at the 150 kinds of ice cream menu board, to choose. all, each flavor, was WRITTEN, not PRINTED!!!!!!!! i cannot read print unless i have an hour to spend per page! too, i would have to spend 20 minutes PER flavor, to choose....
what do i do?
i go up to the boxes of ice cream in the freezer and LOOK at the ice creams and order by looks alone. do not even consider the name to be real or important, i even order by pointing or..."that one"!
thus i eat ice cream that is fresh. the other people eat words! their ice cream...."strawberry" word...might be from the last dregs in the bottom of the box and all freezer-stale.

I know utterly....that the word is NOT the object!