Tuesday, July 09, 2002

Interesting dream last night.

In this dream i went to a large open field where there was the reuinion of my high school class. They all were standing around with drinks in their hands: like of a party where groups of two or four stand and talk.
[my1960 graduatiing class only had about 30 people in it]
Yes, they all were there and i was apparently the last to come.

Only thing was....no one seemed to be overjoyed at my appearence there! I got deviously "negative' glances and outright sneers from some, if they did not outright ignore me!
There was a lady there, "nancy". she was, in my 1960 class, the Lady That I had A Crush On! Oh, she paid to me no attention whatsoever, back then, but from then on, whenever she appears in my dreams she *is* the symbol of a "spiritual Mother Confessor"...or of a "Wise Woman"!
I walked over to her and tried to get her opinion as to why i am getting this poor welcome to my class reunion! we talked for the rest of the reunion-party, for the rest of the dream. It was about my
AUTISM
and to why no one there seemed to find me likeable. I did not Count, in their eyes, and in their lives.
"high level functioning autistic"...would be a label that a counselor could put upon me!
My high school class, the Guidance counselor proudly told us all...near graduation, in sputnik era 1960, that "we all had the highest level of acheivements, the greatest number of college-bound kids, in all of the history of Interlaken central School"!
yes, folks, they nearly all, the boys at least, they all went off to become Executives and stress filled jobs and very very lttle of the "hippie" way of life ever reached them.

even back in 1960, i was *at* the very bottom of their pecking order! utterly Gawkey, useless in sports.
talked "funny", and did funny things with my hands, in a Autistic way.

thus "Nancy" and i talked of this, my autism. how i think only in picture images..
[.why only today
i mentioned at the coffee 8am cafe how "ted turner", the 400 hitter, had the funeral problems...with someone. my aquantance sternly corrected me: "ted Williams, freestone"!
of COURSE! names and words have nothing to do with reality, and i always lose lose lose, as i mix up names and mis-spell and make many many social gaffes per day!]

I wonder how i will meet all these classmates when we all arrive in the afterlife?! I will have nothing to say to them that they might consider to be real, at FIRST! they do not consider an autistic person to have anything of value for them, here on earth.

funny....
i find that on the bus, i gravatate to sitting with the homeless, the crazy, the outcasts....more than with some seemingly "intelligent" person. maybe it is that these people are more "REAL" seeming, to me!
they are Living, while many others are so so caught up in illusions of $$$$ and materialness and Power/influences! these "inteeligent" people think that they have life all figured out, i guess, and they all have decided, like my classmates, that some people Do Not Count, as well as many ideas also do not Exist as being "real"!
I will take my autism, thank you!