Friday, February 22, 2002

Now that the sun has gone into a water sign, I feel ever the more unable to articulate, to people!

I tok a long walk yesterday, in the somewhat balmy air of 70 degrees tallahassee, trying to get a feel
for my condition and how it affects my life.
i suppose a clinical psychologist might diagnose me as..."somewhat autistic, ---high level functioning---
---6 out of 10, on a rating scale".

Tis interrtrestingh [see how huge huge fingers press two keys at once: oh i feel the pain of those poor souls who have those TINY keyboard calandar appoinment pads!!---"clumseyness' is a trait of Aspers/Autism, i read]
tis interesting how Normal people can talk back and forth at a hugely fast rate. i can not. in fact most of what i say is really just other people's "building blocks" of what is said. i can repeat back to some one my thoughts on, say, Race or politics...and they will not be mine: thus i am kinda LIVING A LIE!
not counsciously a lie....but what i say to people is mostly thoughts that i pick up from others...to echo back to them their own feelings!
and MY feelings?!
huh!!
would take hours and hours of some REALLY introvoluted metaphors, just to get my feelings out into words, any feelings, and they, these feelings, will often be so so "out of sync" with the accepted norm, that most of what i DO get out, will offend everyone DEEPLY!!

mostly, i see, i am about 13 years old....and will stay that way until i die of death...and then on into heaven that way too.
i am NOT being "self-put down" here, i see great great advantages as to being 13!!

EXAMPLE
if self-note, that as i eat my dinner, in the caferteria, i never do "proper table manners" and always act sorta out of it, i touch my food and spill it all over my shirt, takes me an hour to eat anything, i will eat three lemon slices and cut up each HUGE vegie hunk into bite size sections....

too...even if i am 60, i see that i treat any man over 35 *as* my father...as if i were the only Enlisted man in a room full of high-brass Officers, in the Army! after all, most men over 35
HAVE GROWN UP! I have not! even my great interest in computer games is a kind of "high tech"
13 year old playing childhood games.

but
as my sister said to me a couple of years ago before she died, as I was living with her in her beautifull mountain home in the Asheville mountains and she was carriying a huge stressfull debt load and was all stress out over her committments to work and 43 other things...she tells me one day at supper: "freestone, you are the only one who enjoys the mountains and you enjoy them FOR me as i have no time for that"!!
yes, being 13 has great gifts: i am not part of that treadmill ever-faster-going rat race!