Friday, January 11, 2002

I come up to yet another small Confrontation!

another small "tripping stone" on the path of life: something that i have to confront and it is a bit painfull!

[Sai baba....once he healed a deaf and dumb boy. the next day, as he and a writer were getting up, from their morning beds, on the second story of a hotel, in the city they were visiting...the city where He healed the boy in....as they both peered out of the window, there were over ONE THOUSAND deaf and dumb kids with parents, clogging the street below: Baba did a 'back door exit" to a waiting car!!]

---that old man who comes to my caferteria every day!
I love to eat there, at 3pm it is nice and quiet and the background music is actually very very good, the food too. i do a lot of my meditations there, eating slowly and enjoying my food. just as i leave, i have got to know an old man who comes in every day as i leave: that is his time to come, i guess...i have been coming for months, myself. i come at 2...he comes at 3pm.
[ah, the thing of it is...about living alone, and cooking and all of that!]

I grit my teeth, over getting to know him!!
his clothes color is grey, his face is grey and his VIBES is grey and he talks "grey"...in a depressed monotone. like it was 38 degrees farenheit and cloudy and windy-raw.....his Tone of soul!
He is about 80. he grew up in a Time when, at the great 1930s depression, people put family, job, country ahead of their own wants and dreams so that "they come last", in their own life!
he is lonely and he seeks sympathy...and he has a LOT of pains to seek sympathy over.
why in the last week alone, he near-weepedly tells me that he needs someone to give to him an emena
prior to the colonoscopy. he cannot sleep well, his eyes bother him...and his furnace broke down.
yesterday, he met me at the door and he tells me that the furnace man's assisitant beat him up and stole money from him...the police say he has four warrents out on him already!

worse!
he cannot hear very well so that the ONLY way i can talk to him is to SCREAM! a full voiced 120 decibal shout....
[ i tried to give to him advice about the enema-giving, last week! I showed to him the yellow pages where there were about 20 listings for "home health care", where there could be a nurse to 'rent' just for a day...or if that failed, to have him talk to his doctor and or the hospital social worker. i showed to him the phone book and i wrote down the yellow-page-subject..."home health care" and gave it to him.
two days later i saw him yet again, there, and he asked me plaintively that "could i give to him again the topic of the yellow pages as he lost my paper and he did not remember that name of it"!!!
giving advice to him is like datestamping a bucket of water by stamping the water: the impression does not take!]

I see it now...what i "need" to do is to arrange to be there an hour later and sit and eat with him each and every day for months and years as he pours pours pours pours pours pours pours out his pain pain pain pain onto me as i eat.....the pain of lonelyness and of all the 281 pains of "an old old car full of creaks and duct-taped systems"...and old man with so so many small ailments.
actually...he "needs" someone to do everything FOR him: maybe i should come-right-now and live with him permanently...and give to him that enema and be There For Him until he dies!

NO!
all my "caregiving gears" have their teeth stripped by this! like someone with a stick transmission and they go into reverse at 50 miles an hour [going forwards!] and strip the transmission gears so that now they have five "neutrals" in the shifts!!

---and there are millions of these people out there, in the unitied states! lonely old people sitting at a table alone, nusing a cup of coffee for hours, islands of humanity, awaiting the finial circling around the drain; the sun to set!!

I have to confront that i have to give up! i cannot sit there ruining my meals, i would rather quit eating there at all...rather than a year of soaking up his weepy sympathyneeds! ---and: there is nothing that i can say back TO him, the hard of hearingness is a major issue: imagine listening to my shouting at full voice, in a crowded caferteria!

too too bad our culture, in the West, does not properly prepare an old person
HOW TO PROPERLY DIE!
as it seems to be, with this old man, what everyone in the caferteria "ought" to do, is to collectively, and individually, put their own meals aside and go interact with this man and spend most of their free time helping him!!
no!
I cannot do this anymore. my counseling days are over with. no wonder social workers burn out: i told this "caferteria man tale" to my next door neighbor and 25 year friend, yesterday, and he told me in return about when HE was director/social worker of the Tallahassee Senior center. he told me that often
he helped and gave advice and it was not followed! why there was one man who needed 'everything' and this counselor set up a nice apt right next to the senior center: months later this old man left it to be near-homeless yet again...my friend says to me yesterday that.."some people can not handle success: they self-defeat any goodness that comes to them"!

So i am going to be "the bad boy"! keep my distance, do not get sucked into a "pity-party" with this man.
I suppose what he really needs, is to sell his house and move to asisited living or even a nursing home.
he needs other people, at his age, to be "father"...
ah the "BIGGIE"...becoming De-pendant, in one's old age, becoming like a child, depending upon everyone for EVERYTHING...and the black hole of death is right there in front!

would my accounts of my visions of heaven help him?? i do not know: i would have to shout them out to him as if he were 100 feet across the room, if i did!

what i am spending SO much time, today, on this entry is...I am having to confront the issue of...
"there comes a time when something is beyond help...is that SO?!! seems that there is really nothing i can do FOR him, except just soak up his sorrows and make them Mine, for his ego-sakes! "

even for an apple: there IS a time when even a knife cannot cut out the good apple from the rot spots, on an old refrigerator-stored apple, that is sitting there getting ever the more rotted! there comes a time when that apple should be pitched, or else it will just stink up everything else in the fridge.
---letting "I feel sympathy for a sick old man" give to me 300+ consecutive meals of hearing of his s-u-f-f-e-r-i-n-g-s, near daily, is NOT good for my own "soul-refrigerator contents"...i must admit to myself
that my ignorance of this guy could kill him! i must admit that i cannot "care" anymore, for some people!!