Monday, October 08, 2001

letter to someone who i do not know very well, about his Bad Divorce!
He asked my for feedback as to why things were not working: i hardly know him, but he asked for my opinion....here is part of my answer to him!
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Yes.
my parents had some of this, this conflict. i am going to "third person" this, as I know NOTHING about you from 1200 miles away.
ok.
many men in our American culture have been raised up to be "damaged". no one's fault: tis just how many men are raised, especially in the NE part of the country.
they are not taught how to FEEL! thus they end up marrying a woman that corresponds to someone that is there for them to have her do the feeling FOR him!
thus he loops his needs for to have himself accept his own feelings through her as he cannot accept for himself that he feels or even how to feel.
NOW...the wife has feelings of her own, her soul has a whole different feel quality to it, thus she, when faced with his feelings, she will have different takes on what he throws out. she has her own feelings about what he says.
shock!
he finds that she is not him!! he wanted a perfect loop: that she is 100% with him in everything of feelings. yes, to find out that the wife you marry is not a mirror: that she has an independant existance....that must be a primal shock!
Say, for example, that he feels a certain way about being on a boat out on the water, he may have trouble acknowledging this back to himself so he uses his wife to loop: he wants HER to feel in exactly the utterly very same way!
aha! she does not! she feels, perhaps, great soul feelings for the open spaces of the land, the fields, and has a whole different feel-judgement for waterboating! oh he is SO HURT! primal shock occurs:
he finds that she is not him, not ONE in soul! he reacts...gets angry! his need is denied! lashes out at her.
this is the Person that often latches onto a "friend" and talks and unburdens himself to this friend for hours and hours each and every day till this friend shuts the door on him as he now is a pest, even taking out the phone as this guy calls ten times a day now!
the Person blames it all on the friend, naturally!
blames the friend for not "being sensitive to my needs!" but this person only uses this friend to loop his own feelings through, and oh boy...there sure are a LOT of feelings that needs every single bit of this friends time, even to the point where this Person needs to move in with the friend to be one with him each and every moment of the day and he really really gets angry if even this freind has a .0005% difference of feeling than this Person!! cannot understand that this friend actually has a life of his own: five minutes of his friend's time for him to brush his teeth, equals..."rejection and denial" as "teeth brushing" is a kind of ignoring the NEEDS of that needyperson!

Look at the owner's manual...the Bible!
"many mansions are there in heaven"
"i Build you a house in heaven a place in heaven"
---a house, not a COMMUNE! Individuality holds in heaven...that "heavenly Choir" would sure be dull if everyone sang only the very same note!

basicly, then, this Person has problems handling the
idea that we each is an individual. he might say..."I would belive in Miricles if only YOU would believe in miricles"! I, myself, can Imagine that Primal shock: that the other person is not him!!

so, i may suggest that you try to deal with that childhood Programming where you were not taught how to accept your own feelings and your own self! maybe she cannot really help you as perhaps you were attracted to her to marry her as she DOES feel the same as you, with many things: ah, but not in ALL things! THAT is where the fights and problems begin! may be hard to accept that she has a individual soul, a need to not "be you"!
in things that she is "different' on, there may be a tendency to blame her for the differences of this oneness of soul, to blame her if she has contrary feelings to something that you hold precious.
YOU may love to hunt and kill Deer: but she feels motherly towards deer, in the hunting season...you blame her for not loving to hunt as you really cannot accept you love for hunting unless SHE DOES!!
there.
my "five cents of advice"!
i would imagine, too, IF this observation holds for you, if i am a little right in my observations...i would make a guess: that you have, in the past, been called a "pest", by some of your friends as you would
go see them a LOT and dump all of your Pains out onto them...endlessly, for hours and hours and for days and days!!
RX...for healing?!
you say you are saved in Jesus. there.
that is it, use HIM as your loop! have Jesus as you best friend, counselor, and soul-mate!
accept that one can only be of spiritual use for the Wine of the Holy Spirit, if your CUP is in good repair!
takes a cup to hold that wine! the cup of ego, of self, of soul, of Individuality.
how can ya love someone else unless you first love yourself? so accept that only you can feel your feels: no one else can ever ever really sit in your chair except the One that is in your heart...your soul and
Jesus!