Saturday, September 22, 2001

Yesterday i suffered the Small Wounds of "being Autistic" yet again!

Once in a while i go to a barber shop for my haircut, i try to let my hair get faily long before i have it cut as i do not like to go. I have learned over the years that i am much much more confortable having a woman cut my hair, even to the point of going to a hair salon!
well yesterday i was Reminded as to WHY i prefer this!
I went to one of these old style barbers shops that still line the streets of small towns and are found on the side streets of cities. read: "1960"!
here i sit waiting while four or five middle aged Southern men came and went, i listened to the talk between barbers and customers...
read: "middle aged middle class/upperclass Southern male Bonding taking place"
Then I sat down to have my hair cut. I tried to talk, i tried to "bond", to "say the right words"!
---i failed miserably!!

[i have a very old washing machine in my trailer. the gearteeth are worn, on the drivegear that turns the agitator. several teeth are missing, thus the motor often just sits there and "whirs" while the agitator is not engaged due to the gear teeth being broken, in some spots...sometimes it just jerks.]

the talk was like that! never quite engaging, like a Japanese trying to enter a good ole boy discussion as IF he were "one of the boys"!
I have always been like that: i end up treating ALL grwonup men as if "they were the Army major and i were the Private"! -----and they treat me like that in return, like of a CEO excecutive being forced to sit on the trainseat next to a "IQ 70" person, and being forced by this low-functioning person to engage in conversation. "talking down"...it is called! sounds a lot like a father trying to "straighten out" a misbehaving neighbor's kid of 8 years old....."PATRONIZING"...i think is the word i am looking for!!
Yes, that is the word..."patronizing". I cannot think fast enough or talk out fast enough: i do not know instinctively all of the Language non-verbal...thus when i enter these groups of men, or even with just one...It is if i were to learn a foreign language at 60 years old!

I left that barber shop somewhat dismayed, i realized that all of my life i wanted to be accepted by the Group, to Bond, to not be the oddball out, to not be the class clown, constantly picked on.
I saw how i wanted, often, to just buy a house in a small town and have a family and join the church and Do Good in and for the community! No....not to be!

I wonder how i will be accepted in heaven when i arrive there? i will fit nowhere at all, not know the language, social, of any group...probably that is why my dream of last december, where i experienced my
preview of my first bit of heaven, just as i arrive there, why i was to have a cabin on the EDGE of heaven, right near the gateway to earth! i may not be able to relate with most of the men there!

actually, over the years, like in a Craft show or art market...it is the WOMEN that i can relate to: often their husbands are utterly unapproachable...sports??...lenght, breadth, height??
women are of the Moon, the subcounscious, the dream, the mystery, the visions and soul....
probably i will spend all of my "time" in heaven with the women!