Saturday, September 01, 2001

yes, saturday.....over 1000 people have been here now!

very interesting experience I had just now at the Barnes and Noble coffee shop!
I go there before coming here. same thing always happens and it tickles me, pervesely!

I finish up a cup of their starbucks coffee and i use a lot of sugar and there is always a lot of sugar at the bottom of the cup as the swizzlesticks just do not stir it well.
I take my finger and rub it in the sugar at the bottom and lick my finger and then do it again several times. There is ALWAYS a group of about the same four people who come in with me. they are "intelligent business types" who come in and talk about their lives and business. they look charismic and intelligent, sometimes their wives come too. retired. they look to be retired high ranking officers in the armed forces, in Inteligence or accounting and financing. maybe NOW they teach at FSU, professors...

what tickles me pervesely is just how the TONE of the one man who usually talks, at this gathering, how his tone of voice QUIVERS ever ever so slightly as he sees me licking that sugar off of my index finger after rubbing it into the bottom of my cup!! always quivers, every day that i do that in his sight: no doubt my "stock" is about "2" in his level-assessment, of me....one level above "the unwashed, crazy, homeless"!
thus we have little in common, i lick my fingers and have seen heaven and he probably prefers to read the "wall street journal" above all else!


these people are actually very good souls! some of the problem is with ME!
AUTISM!
this is what autism is like...makes a IQ of 140 person come across to one and all to be about 75!!
or less! here i am, wearing the same clothes everyday and talk so so slow and associative...and these four men who are the retired businessmen/officers can rattle off the words even faster than i can pick my nose! bang bang...50 words about policies and business and the arts..movies they have seen, with actors and supporting casts....I am speechless in their presence and can only mutter about some complaint about the weather, as the emotionalness wins out:
[some old souls actually come across to others as Just Like a very very young soul!]

just like ya see a man walking far offf on a country road and ya see his legs a-pumping but you can not tell if he is walking TO you or FROM you: the supersane and the insane look just alike and are almost just alike! both are off of the middle, both ends of the bell curve. takes a spiritual master to tell them apart!

I feel: i do not think!
there is not a bit of life in thinkings! thus i would rather complain to an old soul, dumping out my emotional unfilledneeds...as "complaining" is Bonding...does not even matter what i complain about!. otherwise, i think only in picture-images, like of Temple grandin"---of images only: i failed MISERABLY in my college in all of that phsyics and math!
no pictures in a math formula!!
i cannot eat coffee with a fork: i must see a picture in order to think it!

this is my small "curse"! to act and talk like the sterotyped homeless emotionalkid! that One in need of Therepy! dysfuntional!
"but i have seen heaven with my own eyes"....i might whisper to them.

useless.
they have utterly not a shred of use for what i infer. Nor should they!! they are living their lives OK!
they are learning what they need to learn, why to talk about death and dying to them is like yelling "fire" in a crowded high school classroom! all it would do is to ruin the teachings for the day...the kids run outdoors in the firedrill, no more lessons learned for that day's class!
talking about "death" is like ruining the picnic, turning out the lights at the beginning of the party...
talking something "down" to deflate a group of people's git-to-gather, as they gather at a table to say hello to each other, wilting their flowers of happytalk!